


A Walk to Remember

by myapatheticnature



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Happy Ending, a walk to remember au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-29 08:16:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 57,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7676959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myapatheticnature/pseuds/myapatheticnature
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Please?" she begged, desperate now.</p><p>"Okay, one condition though, Karnstein." Laura said after a moment of thought.</p><p>"What's that?" Carmilla asked, trying her best not to roll her eyes.</p><p>"You have to promise you won't fall in love with me." Laura said, and Carmilla chuckled but was confused at the lack of humour in the blonde's voice.</p><p>"That's really not going to be a problem." Carmilla stated, confidently.</p><p>'A Walk to Remember' AU but with a happy ending. Not the original one that makes me cry myself to sleep...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Initiation

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this IS another AU by me...
> 
> Like my Moulin Rouge AU, I'll be making the odd small (and one big) change and adding to the story, but all the best scenes from the movie will still be in there!
> 
> I've also read the novel and original screenplay for this movie, and have added some plot points and scenes in from those. 
> 
> Anywho, enjoy! Feel free to chat to me about the story, or anything..

Carmilla hated small towns, and the one she grew up in was no exception. Beaufort, North Carolina: a town full to the brim with fishermen and sailors. It just _screamed_ small town. 

The salty breeze was almost constant. It was definitely familiar. Just like the churches.

The town had _eighteen_ churches within its limits. _Eighteen_. Why the hell would a place as small as this need that many churches? And you’d have thought a town as religious as this would have been friendly and free of judgement. It wasn’t. Money, education and family background still mattered, even here, and to everyone. Carmilla was yet to find a person who was an exception to that.

Cold, night air hit her as she walked out of the open doors of Beaufort High Gym. It was the November dance and ‘Born In The USA’ was blaring in the background. Carmilla stood against the building and lit a cigarette. Just another wild, small town Saturday night.

Her girlfriend Ell soon followed through the doors, searching for her, and smiled wickedly when she saw her. Ell sauntered over and kissed Carmilla on the lips, then moved to stand beside her against the wall.

Carmilla watched as all walks of life filtered in and out of the gym: Richies, jocks, geeks, punks, goths and whoever else. Everyone was together, but at the same time not together. Some of them were sober, most of them not. She hated dances.

A group of boys were on the grass, breakdancing to a boom box. Yep, Carmilla thought, just your average small town school dance, something straight out of Footloose.

She finished her smoke and put it out against the wall, then checked her watch. Time to go.

When she reached the parking lot, Ell in tow, she couldn’t help the smile on her face when she saw her: her red, 1978 Camaro - aka Baby.

She really was beautiful, the best eighteenth birthday present she could have asked for. Which she did, ask for, a million times. Her mother was eventually convinced, on the condition that Carmilla allowed her father to contribute to the present.

Begrudgingly, Carmilla had accepted. As much as she’d grown to dislike him since he’d left her and her mother for the city and another woman, she’d _really_ wanted this car.

***

Ell had forced Carmilla to take a pit stop at the local cemetery, claiming the need to pee, which was an apparent lie because as soon as they’d arrived at the locked cemetery gate, Ell had straddled Carmilla and put her tongue down her throat.

Carmilla hadn’t even had chance to turn her headlights off, and they shone through the locked metal structure.

They kissed for a good few minutes then Ell pulled away. “I do really need to pee, babe.” She giggled at Carmilla’s groan and climbed out of the car. 

Carmilla was busy looking out at the night when Ell returned, and so lost in thought that she didn’t even notice. She did notice, however, a different girl jumping down off of the cemetery gate, caught in the headlights of the Camaro. Her long, blonde hair hid her face but Carmilla would recognise those clothes anywhere. It was the Reverend's daughter. 

“Laura Hollis.” She said aloud, and Ell followed her gaze and snorted. 

“Ahh, it’s the bible freak.” Ell said loud enough for Laura to hear, and Carmilla smirked.

Hearing the comment, Laura seemed to gather herself and walked across the gravel to Carmilla’s window. She crossed her brown, (probably) self-made cardigan across her chest and stooped a little. 

“Hey. Hi. Your lights. Any chance you could turn them off?” Laura said, awkwardly but politely.

Before Carmilla could reply, Ell placed a hand on her thigh and leaned over so Laura could see her. “God give you this road?”

“No-“ Laura replied, honestly.

“Then I think the lights will be staying on.” Ell leaned back in her seat, uninterested in anything more Laura had to say.

 “If you want the lights off, cupcake, I’ll turn them off.” Carmilla said to Laura, softly, seeming nice. Then she did and the night washed over them.

“Thank you. Thank you very much!” Laura said gratefully, backing away from the car.

“I cannot see a thing.” Ell’s voice came from the darkness. Carmilla switched on the dome lights for her girlfriend, earning her an imitation of Laura’s thank you. But Carmilla was still watching Laura.

She was scaling back over the gate, clearly practiced in the art. Carmilla waited until she was at the top and then flicked on the high beams, much to Ell’s amusement. Laura paused, squinting in the direction of Carmilla, who was surprised at the look of determination and dare she say it, _humour_ on the blonde’s face. She had expected her to look at least a little bullied, but Laura just jumped down on the far side and disappeared into the night.

Ell was still laughing; Carmilla just smiled. She turned to Ell and kissed her deeply, picking up where they left off, and then suddenly a blinding white light shone into Carmilla and Ell’s faces. 

“What the-?” Carmilla cried and clambered out of the car. She looked up at the fence to see Laura Hollis, once again, sitting atop it now holding a large mirror, reflecting the light from the beams back into the car. The two stared at each other and Carmilla’s annoyance faded into mild respect.

She held her hands up in surrender and got back into her car. She started the engine and flicked the beams off, pulling out of the cemetery and leaving Laura to continue with, well, whatever she was doing.

***

The Camaro pulled into the car park of the towns cement factory and Carmilla beeped as she saw Will’s truck and Mattie’s jeep already there. Will had Sarah-Jane pressed up against the truck’s side, evidently sucking her face off and Mattie sat on the hood of her jeep, talking to Elsie.

Carmilla watched Ell’s body language change as soon as they pulled up and sighed, when was this girl going to stop being so possessive? She’d only slept with Elsie that _one_ time, yet it still drove Ell insane.

She cut the engine but left the headlights on and got out. “Okay. Anyone got any beer?” Carmilla drawled, already sounding bored.

 “Nope, we finished them all at school. Besides, you’ve had enough.” SJ said, taking a break from macking on Will. Carmilla gave a sickeningly sweet smile to the two lovebirds as she passed them, not before fist-bumping Will on the way.

Will was a dick sometimes. Well, most of the time, but she’d known him since forever and she wasn’t perfect either, so the two had some sort of unspoken agreement that they would be dicks together.

As soon as Carmilla turned from Will and SJ, Elsie was stood in front of her with that smug, seductive smile on her face.

“I’ve got one.”

Carmilla didn't dare say anything and moved to lean against Mattie’s jeep, but Elsie continued and Carmilla was sure Ell was about to combust.

“It’s not cold, but it’s yours if you want it.” Elsie said with a wink.

At this Mattie jumped off the hood of her truck and wrapped an arm around Carmilla’s neck.  

“Yeah, sis, all you’ve got to do is sit up, beg, roll over and shake that ass in Elsie’s direction.” Mattie teased, all while keeping Carmilla in the headlock. The group erupted into laughter with the exception of a seething Ell.

Mattie wasn’t Carmilla’s actual sister but she was as good as. She’d been a rock after her father had left. She was more intimidating than Will and herself put together, but she was always soft and protective when it came to Carmilla.

“Thanks a lot for that, _Matska_.” Ell shot back, wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s waist, pulling her out of Mattie's grip and sending Elsie a warning look.

“Anytime, anywhere, Hun.” Mattie said, unaffected, then looked at her watch impatiently. Carmilla lit another cigarette, took a drag then passed it to Ell.

“Tonight is gonna be good.” Elsie said, hopping up onto the hood next to Mattie.

Will broke away from SJ, smiling. “I’m glad I thought of it.”

At that, SJ pushed him away, scoffing. “You guys are animals, just ‘cause he’s new!”

“Hey, what is up with you, SJ? You’ve been talking crap the whole time we’ve been here! Why don’t you just be quiet?” Will quickly got annoyed and Carmilla stood up straight. When Will shoved SJ away from him Carmilla went over and stood between them.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey.” She put her arm around Will’s shoulders and steered him away from the group.

“What’s the matter with you?” SJ called over to him.

Carmilla returned to the rest of them. “You know how it is, SJ, nobody’s forcing the puppy to show up.” She looked at her watch. “And at this rate, he isn’t going to.”

“Yeah well if he doesn’t I wanna go back to the dance.” Ell said, looking hopefully at Carmilla.

“Hey, you know I don’t dance, babe.” Carmilla stated, walking back over to her Camaro where Will was now stood.

“It’s true,” Mattie piped up, “I’ve seen the girl attempt to bust a move and it’s just not pretty, at all. But I wouldn’t be opposed to a little waltzing, Ell, what do you say?”

Ell rolled her eyes at Mattie’s wink and looked expectantly at Carmilla, who wasn’t phased by the conversation at all, to Ell’s disappointment.

The group was interrupted by the sound of a car pulling into the factory grounds. They looked over and Will started clapping, excitedly.

“Well, would you check out the Safari Joe truck?” Elsie sneered and the other’s laughed. 

“Oh, I can’t wait to see you fly.” Mattie said as the jeep was parked and Wilson Kirsch got out. He gave everybody a goofy wave and a cheerful ‘hi’.

Such a puppy dog, Carmilla thought.

Everyone except Will returned the greeting, he instead was shaking his head and tapping his watch. “You’re late, goofball. I thought I said be here at ten? Did I stutter?”

Will moved closer into Kirsch’s personal space, and Carmilla rolled her eyes. Kirsch was twice the size of Will.

“But you know, when I say ‘be here at ten’, be here, okay? You think you can remember that next time?”

Kirsch just gave him a disregarding look and Carmilla bit her lip to stop from laughing. Will’s intimidation techniques needed serious work. Will walked away toward their new destination, beckoning for the others to follow. Elsie and Mattie gave Kirsch a curt nod as they walked by him to follow Will, while SJ followed slowly behind, sulkily.

Kirsch looked at Carmilla and raised his eyebrows. “Is he always like that?”

Carmilla laughed a little and patted his bicep as they started walking. “Always, beefcake. So how about it? Ready to fly?” Kirsch’s silence was a good enough answer.

They were walking beside a small body of water that had a raised platform built over it, way more than several feet above the water. Kirsch was eyeing the water dubiously. Once they all reached the bottom of the platform, Will stepped forward. 

“Okay, here’s the deal: You’re gonna jump from up there,” he pointed above them to the very top of the platform, “into here.” He pointed to the water just below their feet.

Carmilla started removing her leather jacket, threw it over Ell, and then gave Kirsch a mischievous look.

Will continued, “That’s it. Then you’re one of us. Got it?”

Kirsch nodded. 

“You ready?”

“Yeah.” 

“All right then.” Will grabbed Kirsch by his shoulders, shaking them. “Let’s do this, okay?”

Kirsch still looked uneasy when Will walked away from him. Carmilla bumped her shoulder into his arm. “Hey, it’s a piece of cake. Hell, I’m jumping with you.”

He looked up to the platform again. “Now, how- how deep is this, dude?”

“I don’t really know, buddy. Let’s go find out, huh?” Carmilla grinned. Will laughed.

Kirsch took off his jacket then let Carmilla lead the way up the platform ladder while the rest of them watched from below.

“Whoo!” Will shouted as they reached the top. They both looked down at the water.

“Uh, have you done this?” Kirsch asked Carmilla.

“Yeah, sure. We’ve all done this.”

They were interrupted by Will’s voice. “Hey, you guys gonna do this sometime tonight or…?”

“Okay, on three. One. Two. Three!” Kirsch went lumbering forward while Carmilla stayed put on the platform, smiling. Everyone was cheering and laughing below. Kirsch landed in the water and a huge splash followed. Will was clapping like a giddied up child, hyped up on sugar.

A moment passed and the noise subsided. An awful silence replaced the cheers, then Kirsch’s body floated to the surface, face down.

“Oh my god.” SJ shouted. 

It was followed by “Oh shit,” from Elsie.

“He’s hurt! Carmilla! He’s hurt!” Ell yelled, worriedly.

“What happened? Is he okay?” SJ said as she ran to the other side of the platform to get a closer look.

“Carmilla, get down here.”

“What the hell?” Carmilla stood momentarily frozen at the top of the platform, troubled by how the situation had unfolded. Instinct soon kicked in, however, and she hurtled back down the platform and into the water.

“Come on, sis!” Mattie shouted to Carmilla, who was now swimming across to Kirsch who was still lifeless in the water. “Get him out of there!”

Carmilla struggled to swim herself and Kirsch back to the shore, but her cry for help fell on deaf, panicked ears. She then felt something hard scratching against her leg and reached to down to grab it. “Shit. There’s a lead pipe in here. He must- he must have hit it.”

“Come on, get him out of there!” Mattie’s voice cracked, an unusual sound. As Carmilla reached the shore, Mattie and Will started to help lug Kirsch out of the water.

“Watch his head, watch it!” Will warned, as they continued to struggle to lift Kirsch.

A flashlight shone in Carmilla’s face and then a security guard was running toward them from the other side of the water. “Hey, who’s down there?”

Hearing him calling for back up, Will shot up and grabbed SJ by the hand, abandoning Kirsch and everyone else. Carmilla put all her strength into holding him up, and ignored the shouts from Will telling her to forget about him.

Then Elsie was pulling a reluctant Ell away and the two of them ran back to the cars.

Mattie was the only one still helping Carmilla and eventually they managed to pull him out. She placed her hands on either side of the injured teens head. “Hey, you’re okay, you’re okay…” His eyes were open but he was bleeding from multiple places.

“It’s all right. We got him. Help’s on the way but we have to leave, Carmilla.” Mattie helped her up then was running to her jeep. Carmilla knelt down beside Kirsch who was now moaning in pain and coughing.

“Hey, hey. Calm down. Shh. Shh.” Carmilla spoke softly, trying to soothe him. She heard the screech of car tires and looked up to see Will’s truck disappearing. Then the lights of Mattie’s jeep came on and she saw Ell, stood at the hood and looking back at Carmilla, clearly conflicted, before turning and getting into the vehicle, sadly. Mattie sent a few warning revs for Carmilla to hear and then drove off.

Kirsch had stopped coughing and Carmilla looked down at him, horrified. She held her head in her hands as she looked at him. He had a nasty gash on his forehead and a bloody nose but she knew that could be the least of his injuries. She stared at him anxiously before bolting, grabbing her shoes and leather jacket and racing to her Camaro. She tossed her things inside then threw herself in.

“Dammit!” She said agonisingly, before starting the car and screeching away. Cop cars began entering the car park and she circled round in an attempt to evade them, but almost collided with one instead. The car braked hard and turned to follow her, along with two others.

“Shit.” Was all Carmilla had to say when she realised she had nowhere to turn. She glanced behind her to see a car right on her tail, coming up alongside her. Soon, they were level beside each other and the two of them exchanged a look. The cop then pulled up in front of the Camaro in an attempt to cut Carmilla off, causing her to make a sharp turn and crash into a water barrel.

There was an explosion of water as the now badly damaged car hit the barrel then came to a halt. Carmilla coughed and moved around painfully. The cop approached her and shone a light right in her face, _rude_ , Carmilla thought.

“Keep your hands on the wheel.” The cop commanded and Carmilla eyed him wearily as she felt blood drip down from a stinging area on her forehead. She turned away from the light, closed her eyes and placed her hands on the steering wheel.


	2. Consequence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla faces the consequences of the group's actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm already really happy with the reaction to this fic, so thank you all! I don't have an update schedule but I do already have a couple of future chapters written, so the time between updates shouldn't be too long!

Carmilla limped into the kitchen of her one story house the morning after, with a brace on her leg and a bandage covering her forehead. Her mother, weary looking, rose from the table as she entered, giving her daughter a look before turning to the sink. Carmilla sighed and sat at the table, picking up a fork and twirling it between her fingers.

“You know, mother, my leg really hurts today. I don’t think I can go anywhere.”

Miss Karnstein span around from the sink with a huff. “Maybe I should call your father.”

“No.” Carmilla said firmly, earning a disapproving look from her mother. “I’m not talking to him, there’s no way.”

“This needs to stop between you and him. You can’t do that. You should have a father.” 

Carmilla just continued to concentrate on the movement of the fork in her hand, like it was the answer to all of her problems.

“What if they expel you?” Miss K said, changing the subject.

“Kelly wouldn’t do that.” Carmilla answered, confidently. 

“Why not?” 

“Because nothing happened at school.” Carmilla gave her mother a genuine, reassuring smile, to which her mother rolled her eyes.

“Don’t you smile at me, it’s not going to get you of this."

“Why not, it always has before.” Carmilla said with an angelic look on her face.

***

Carmilla sat beside her mother on the pew, watching Reverend Hollis deliver his speech from the podium at the front of the church. They always sat in the middle pews, so Carmilla was under the impression that she went unnoticed, today however, that was not the case.

“Let’s be thankful today that a young life was saved by our Lord. And let us pray for the lives of the others involved who are clearly not on the path of righteousness.” The Reverend said, then looked to each of the teenagers who had been involved in last night’s incident; Ell, Mattie, Elsie, SJ, Will and then Carmilla. Every one of them shifted uncomfortably in their seat under the knowing, judging gaze of the Reverend. So much for being inconspicuous, Carmilla thought, scratching her forehead.

The Reverend nodded to the choir at the right of him, who stood and began singing from their booklets. Carmilla looked over at Ell, who was watching the choir, thoughtfully. They were yet to speak after last night, but Carmilla wasn’t eager to, she couldn’t ignore the small part of her than felt slightly abandoned by Ell. In truth, she felt the same way about most of the others, too. 

Carmilla was desperate to get out of there. She moved in her seat and her eyes finally landed on the choir. Her eyes instantly connected with hazel ones, hazel eyes that had already been on her, hazel eyes that belonged to Laura Hollis. 

The brown sweater was nowhere to be seen and she wore a white gown along with the rest of the choir. Nice change, Hollis. Laura was still looking at Carmilla, which surprised her but intrigued her at the same time. The Reverend’s daughter exuded a confidence that baffled the brunette. Laura was definitely her father’s daughter. She broke the staring competition they had going and looked at her hands.

Then the choir stopped and it was just Laura, singing alone. Carmilla looked back up at the other girl, who was still staring at her. Carmilla would have been a lot more irritated at the attention had it been anyone else, but Laura’s voice was kind of nice, if you like that sort of music. Carmilla ignored a foreign feeling in her chest when Laura looked away for a few moments, though she kept her own eyes fixated on the singing girl.

In her peripheral, she could make out the outline of Ell’s silhouette, turning right round to look at Carmilla in her seat. Carmilla was about to look over to Ell, but then Laura’s eyes were on hers again and she ignored her girlfriend, who eventually turned back to face the front. 

***

It was Monday morning and, despite her best efforts to avoid it, Carmilla was back at school. She sat on a rock on the front lawn surrounded by the group. She was watching the world go by when a tall brunette, who she recognised from gym class, greeted her with a flirty smile as she walked past. From the rock Carmilla returned the grin, prompting a fake cough from Ell, who sat beside her on the rock, holding Carmilla’s crutches for her. Elsie, SJ, Will and Mattie all stood around the rock.

“So, how’s the leg, sis?” Mattie asked.

“It’s uh, it’s good.” Carmilla shrugged.

“I can’t believe you were in jail.” Said SJ, applying some foundation.

Again, Carmilla shrugged.

“So what did you tell them, you little monster?” Mattie enquired.

Carmilla noticed Will just swigging his can of Coke, clearly uninterested in what Carmilla had been through.

“Oh, I just said it was a nice night for a drive and we ended up hanging out at the cement factory, found Kirsch, you know, tried to give him some help, got a little spooked, then I figured I ought to leave before someone thought I had anything to do with it, so I split.”

“I have to hand it to you, sis, you’re a Jedi Master of bullshit.” Mattie said, shaking her head in disbelief. Everyone laughed and Carmilla looked smug. Ell was watching her with an adoring smile, but Carmilla couldn’t bring herself to return it.

“Daamn, that Laura Hollis sure has style.” SJ announced, sarcasm dripping in her voice.

The whole group turned to look at Laura, who had just stepped onto the lawn from the parking lot, walking toward the school and minding her own business. She was carrying a box filled to the brim with stuff, and Carmilla had to say she was impressed at the smaller girl’s ability to carry something that was almost the same size as her.

“Yeah, I wore that dress in the fourth grade.” Ell added. 

“It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for, I’d put money on that little poptart having quite a naughty side to her.” Mattie said suggestively, making everyone crack up, except Ell who seemed personally offended by the comment, for some reason. 

Mattie continued, “A little maintenance, she might not look too bad, you know.”

Laura was now passing right by them, and as soon as she was in earshot Ell perked up.

“Nice sweater.” She said to the smaller blonde, a false sweetness oozing from her voice. 

Laura stopped walking; clearly surprised someone was speaking to her.

“Thank you.” She said with a small smile. The sweetness in her voice, Carmilla noted, actually sounded genuine. It made Carmilla look up at her, and Laura looked back. Carmilla heard Mattie trying her best to suppress laughs, and then Laura was walking away from them. As soon as she was gone, they all burst into laughter, apart from Ell who was still watching Laura, curiously. 

***

Carmilla paced outside the Principal’s office, her crutches connecting loudly with the polished floor. Miss Tarbox, Kelly’s receptionist, had huffed so many times at Carmilla’s noisiness she thought she might pass out at any moment.

“Who’s he in there with, anyway?” She asked Miss Tarbox, irritated.

“He’ll be with you when he’s available.” The receptionist said, politely but also with a look of her own irritation.

Then the door to Kelly’s office opened and out walked no other than Laura Hollis, with her father in tow, the tall, stern Reverend Hollis. Carmilla wasn’t surprised to see her, as she was appearing round every corner these days it seemed, she was just surprised to see her in the Principal’s office. Laura Hollis was never in trouble.

Laura eyed Carmilla as they passed.

“You expelled, too?” Carmilla joked. Not even Laura laughed. Tough crowd, Carmilla thought.

“Karnstein, I’ll be back in a moment, go on in and make yourself comfortable.” Kelly instructed.

*** 

Carmilla span her key ring around her fingers loudly and her uninjured leg was bouncing up and down. Something about sitting in the Principal’s office always made her antsy, and she also had better things to do. 

Principal Kelly walked in from seeing Laura and the Reverend out and sat at his desk, opposite her. He took Carmilla’s file out and placed it on top of what Carmilla saw as Laura’s. Why would he need her file? Also why did Carmilla care? She told herself to get a grip.

He then proceeded to set four empty beer bottles on his desk and Carmilla glanced from them back to Kelly, who leaned back in his chair, eyeing Carmilla accusingly. 

“A student claims you were drinking and smoking on school property on Saturday night. Lucky for you, Wilson Kirsch isn’t talking. The owners of the factory aren’t pressing charges. Yet. But I promised them I’d arrange appropriate punishment.”

“What, you gonna expel me?” Carmilla asked, undeniably bored.

“Would it matter? You’re never really here anyway, even in the classes you _do_ decide to attend.”

Suddenly slightly worried, Carmilla frowned. “I- I want to graduate.” She mumbled.

Kelly studied Carmilla for a moment, clearly making some kind of decision.

“That’s what I thought. I’ll allow you to continue to grace my hallowed halls Karnstein, if, moving forward, you make an honest effort to be part of the school community-”

“-I’d do that.” Carmilla said eagerly, too eagerly. She cringed.

“Good. So, besides attending _all_ of your regular classes, you will help our janitorial staff after school.” Kelly began.

“For pay.” Carmilla said, seriously.

Kelly smiled smugly. “For the inner satisfaction it brings.” He corrected.

Carmilla’s face fell further and she started to regret agreeing to anything, and the look on Kelly’s face told her it was going to get worse.

“On Saturday mornings, you will tutor disadvantaged students at our sister school. And finally, you will participate in the drama club’s final event.”

“Soo, when do I get time for me?” Carmilla questioned and Kelly looked at her and just blinked, slowly.

“You don’t, that’s the point.” He put bluntly. “It’s time for you to start experiencing other things. Start spending time with different kinds of people. Don’t blow it, Karnstein.”

Carmilla sighed as she stood and limped towards the door, but Kelly wasn’t finished.

“Carmilla, none of this faculty sees you the way you see yourself.” He spoke softly now, obviously trying to reach Carmilla. “Some of us remember how your father--“ 

“Then you remember more than I do.” Carmilla said, not bothering to even turn round as she left the office.

***

Carmilla leaned on a crutch for support as she swept the floor of the gym, which had been turned into a small, indoor fair for Star Club. There were different stalls dotted around the room, each with a group of nerds gathered around them. Carmilla changed the song on her Walkman over, trying not to pay attention to the geek fest she was drowning in.

Then, as she swept some gum wrappers under a radiator, she caught sight of a familiar brown sweater and there she was, Laura Hollis, an instructor at this aforementioned geek fest. She was running the astronomy exhibit and was currently demonstrating something to a rather large group of fellow nerds.

Carmilla’s headphones just happened to slide down to hang around her neck, and she found herself sweeping in the direction of Laura’s table.

“—Saturn’s 15 degrees to the right of red Antares and much brighter.” Laura cheerfully answered someone’s question; Carmilla rolled her eyes at her enthusiasm.

She watched carefully as Laura then picked up a small contraption made from a wire coat hanger.

“This is a very simple device made from a coat hanger, plastic wrap and typewriter correction fluid. Does anyone know what it is?”

Laura’s question was met with silence. Were these even real nerds? Carmilla asked herself.

“It’s a star frame.” Carmilla said, like it was the most obvious thing in the universe.

Laura and Carmilla gazed at each other. The blonde had a slightly surprised look on her face, which soon turned into a blush as she stared at Carmilla for a little too long. 

Carmilla smirked as Laura cleared her throat and tried to recover.

“Yes, th-this is a star frame. It helps you to locate stars and planets with the naked eye.” The smaller girl explained as Mattie, Will and Elsie entered the gym, checking on Carmilla, who smiled when she spotted them.

“Mercury and Jupiter can be seen just over the West and South-western horizon after sunset.” Laura continued to explain, unaware of Will now standing behind her.

“Bet you could see angels up there flying around.” Will commented. Laura stopped her lecture to turn round and look at him. Mattie and Elsie walked over to Carmilla and greeted her, while Will stayed put near Laura.

“In fact, there _are_ some things that could be called miraculous.” Laura told him. “Einstein said the more he studied the universe, the more he believed in a higher power.

Will nodded, pretending to give a crap. “Is that so? Well, if there _is_ a higher power, then—why is it he can't get you a new cardigan?” Elsie burst into laughter and Laura just smiled sweetly.

“He’s too busy looking for your brain.” The blonde stated. Mattie and Carmilla couldn’t hold back their laughter and Will flipped them off as he trudged over, clearly not having seen the funny side. 

“Hey, _laugh_. It’s a joke, William.” Carmilla said to her friend, glancing back at Laura who had already continued with her lecture.

“Okay, come on, Kitty. Let’s get out of here.” Will said, grabbing Carmilla’s other crutch. She gave up on sweeping and leaned against the risers. 

“I can’t, I have to stay.”

“Kelly’s gone, sis, let’s make a move.” Mattie said, giving her a nudge.

Before Carmilla could retort, Will started hobbling out of the building with her other crutch.

“C’mon Carmmm.” He shouted back, teasing. He knew how much Carmilla hated that nickname. She scowled.

Mattie nudged her shoulder then followed Will out of the gym. Elsie hovered for a second, looking Carmilla up and down.

“I don’t know, the custodian thing kind of suits you, you know. I think Ell might be put off by it, but I quite like it.” She winked at Carmilla and then went to join the other two.

“Oh. Well, thanks _buddy_ , thank you.” Carmilla said bitterly, but amused as ever by Elsie’s boldness. She looked over to Laura who was watching the interaction. The blonde looked down as soon as their eyes met, then Carmilla looked away and limped off.


	3. Judgement

Carmilla pulled up outside Ell’s house in her mother’s station wagon. It was nothing like driving her Baby, but she was glad to finally have the brace on her leg off and to be sitting at the wheel again. She couldn’t bear the thought of having to spend Friday night at home while everyone else was out.

“Okay, so I’ll see you at school on Monday?” Carmilla said.

Ell bit her lip, looking nervous and slightly awkward. As a group thing, tonight had been fun, but the air between Carmilla and Ell was still icy, and didn’t show any signs of thawing.

“Well, er, my parent’s aren’t home if you wanna come inside…” The blonde said playfully, her confidence seeming to have returned.

Carmilla sighed. “Not tonight, Ell. I have tutoring in the morning.” Yeah, that was _totally_ the reason. Apparently Ell didn’t think it good enough either. She leaned forward and latched her lips onto Carmilla’s earlobe.

“I know,” She whispered between sucks, “I just thought that…” 

Carmilla didn’t let her finish and pushed her away gently. “Goodnight, Ell.”

Ell huffed, offended and disappointed. “Yeah, whatever.” She mumbled as she climbed out. Carmilla closed her eyes as the car door slammed shut. She then watched Ell walk sulkily back to her house and waited for her to go inside.

“Ooo..kayy.” She said to herself as she drove away. 

***

“Good morning, Carmilla.”

That was the first indication that something was amiss because good and morning should never be said in the same sentence, especially not on a Saturday. 

“Carmilla.” Her mother's voice returned, more sternly this time. The teenager squinted but her eyes remained closed. “Wake up. Come on. Up, up, up, up!” Miss Karnstein said, her voice extra loud and she’d even begun clapping, to Carmilla’s dismay. Carmilla groaned and opened her eyes slightly.

“It’s Saturday, no school.” She said with a pout, starting to get comfy again.

“Tutoring.” Her mother said simply, and Carmilla’s eyes opened fully now, the sulk already on her face.

***

Carmilla sat at the back of the bus by the window with her Walkman in her lap. She was looking out, glumly, watching nothing but deserted road and pine trees go by.

She was surrounded by all the do-gooders in town, who were probably, no, _definitely_ here by choice. That included Laura Hollis, who was sitting in an aisle seat in the middle area of the bus, reading. Not that Carmilla was looking for her or anything. 

Carmilla stretched out in her seat as some sort of civilisation came into view.

Jefferson High was a sorry looking one-story building; bars on every window, a chain-link fence around the parameter and very, very little grass. Carmilla was surprised there was even a yard and a basketball court.

She exhaled as the bus came to a stop and the passengers began filing off. 

***

Carmilla and her partnered student, a freshman named Luis, sat side by side at a table, hunched over a geometry textbook. The scene was the same all around the room; pairs of mentors and mentees all huddled over books and notebooks.

Laura sat on a table just behind Carmilla with her partner. She, apparently, was having more luck with hers.

“Okay, Luis, lets try this again.” Carmilla said, jaded but patiently, attempting to play tutor. Luis looked equally if not more bored. He looked over as Carmilla pulled the textbook closer to him. “Which of these are similar triangles? This one or that one, huh?”

Luis stayed silent. Tapping his pencil on the table, looking a little lost. He was clearly trying to seem disinterested, but Carmilla knew that game all too well. 

“What do you think, kid?” She said, softer this time. That seemed to have the opposite effect, as Luis stood from his seat and griped, throwing his pencil down on the table. 

“I think this is bullshit!” He shouted and stormed out of the classroom. Carmilla turned around to watch him ago, aware that Laura had stopped what she was doing and was now watching her, again.

“Me too, kid, me too.” Carmilla said to herself, not in the mood for another stare-off with tutor-of-the-year over there.

***

Glad to be back on the bus, Carmilla kicked her feet out and rested them on the seat in front of her, her Walkman in her lap and headphones blaring out the loudest music she owned. She stared through the window at nothing, brooding.

A few minutes later, she felt somebody sit down next to her and she snapped her head round to look at her unwanted visitor. Laura Hollis sat beside her, grinning.

“Hey.”

Carmilla looked at her blankly then looked back out of the window. She slowly felt her thumb turning down the music on her Walkman though, after all, who wants to go deaf at eighteen?

“Do you wanna buy some raffle tickets? I’m trying to raise money so we can buy Jefferson some new computers and books.” Laura asked. Carmilla felt a slight pang in her chest; even she had noticed the lack of resources the kids at Jefferson had.

“No.” she said anyway, feeling only slightly guilty. She awaited a lecture from Laura, who dropped it and changed the subject.  

“So, I saw you in there with Luis, and I know it can be really difficult, but maybe you should try backing into it from somewhere else.” Laura said, waiting for a response to her advice but Carmilla remained quiet. “Are you gonna go visit Wilson Kirsch?”

Jesus, this girl just didn’t quit. Carmilla refused to give in to her rambling/probing. 

“That would be a ‘no’. You do know they moved him from the hospital to that rehab place on Oak Street? I met him the first week he came to church, he could’ve died--”

Carmilla had had enough. She tore off her headphones and sat up a little straighter, leaning into Laura’s personal space. “Is this your idea of small talk, cupcake? Because if it is, your social skills need some work, okay? No one _forced_ him to jump.”

“It’s called peer pressure.” Laura said. Carmilla was becoming more and more irked and she was soon on the defensive.

“And how do _you_ know about that? You read it in your precious book, cutie?”

Laura looked down at the Bible in her lap then closed her eyes. “Please don’t pretend like you know me, okay?”

Carmilla laughed, ironically. “Ohhh but I do, cupcake, I do. We’ve had all the same classes in the same school since kindergarten. Why, you’re Laura Hollis…” Carmilla smiled a mean smile and continued. “You sit at lunch table seven, which isn’t exactly the reject table, but it’s definitely in self-exile territory. You have exactly one cardigan. You like to look at your feet when you walk. Oh, and yeah, for fun you like to tutor on the weekends and hang out with the cool kids from Star Club. Am I close?”

Laura nodded, though unaffected by Carmilla’s words. “Thoroughly predictable, nothing I haven’t heard before.”

Carmilla stared at her, looking right into her eyes. “You don’t care what people think about you?” She asked, quietly.

“No. I have other things to worry about.” Laura shrugged. 

“Like what? The moons of Jupiter?” Carmilla questioned, her snark returning. 

“Can’t you have a normal conversation?” Laura asked, a little exasperated now.

“I don’t want to have _any_ conversation.”

“Good, because talking to you is like trying to explain red to a blind person!” Laura shot back, her faced all bunched up in annoyance. She got up and returned to her seat without another word. Carmilla watched her go and put her headphones back on. An angry Laura was a cute Laura, she thought. 

A few stops later and she stepped off the bus, putting the stack of raffle tickets she’d just bought safely into her pocket. She could feel Laura Hollis’ smug eyes on her.

“Hey, babe.” Ell’s voice startled her. Carmilla’s mother was supposed to pick her up from the stop.

“Er-hey. Where’s my mother?” She asked, feeling awkward and putting her hands into her pockets as Ell stepped forward and pulled her closer by the lapels of her leather jacket.

“Well I called her and offered to pick you up from tutoring. I didn’t want to wait until Monday to see you.” Then she kissed Carmilla before she could say anything else. The bus behind them pulled away from the stop and Carmilla’s hand clenched around the raffle tickets in her pocket.

***

“Thanks for the ride, Mattie.” Carmilla said grumpily. This may possibly be one of the worst ways to spend a Tuesday evening.

“Not a problem, darling.”

The two sat in Mattie’s jeep, parked outside the entrance of the school auditorium. A sign announcing ‘Auditions’ hung over the doorway. Carmilla groaned.

“Hey, I don’t know what your problem is, sis. Miss Garber isn’t the worst looking drama teacher I’ve ever seen.”

“Do you ever think of anything else?” Carmilla said, already knowing the answer.

“Of course, I think about poetry and love and-“ Mattie started, but Carmilla had heard enough. 

“-Bullshit.” She interjected and Mattie laughed. “Just be back in an hour okay, don’t meet a girl in that amount of time and flake on me, _again_.” Carmilla warned, getting out of the jeep and making her way over to the building.

Mattie rolled down her window and leaned out of it. “Maria! Maria!” She announced dramatically.

Carmilla flipped her off and strolled through the entrance, smiling.

She peered in through a side door of the theatre to see the drama club already congregated together. She looked at the faces of the group. Nerd. Nerd. Not a clue who that is. Nerd. And so on, until a familiar shade of brown caught Carmilla’s attention and she knew, she just _knew_ whom the cardigan on the back of the empty chair belonged to.

“Hey!” A loud voice came from behind her and Carmilla jumped out of her skin, losing her cool completely. Behind her, trying her very hardest not to laugh, was Laura. Her composure soon broke at Carmilla’s unchanging look of surprise and she burst into giggles. 

“You did that on purpose.” Carmilla grumbled, getting her breath back.

“Laugh, _Carm_ , it’s a joke…” Laura said, walking past Carmilla to join the group. Miss Garber looked up at a seething Carmilla, who hadn’t missed the nickname Laura had given her. 

“We’re waiting, Miss Karnstein.” 

Carmilla slid in a row behind everyone else. She recognised LaFontaine in front of her, who she actually found tolerable, particularly when they were helping out with chemistry homework. She leaned forward and prodded them.

“What’s the play, ginge?”

They rolled their eyes and handed Carmilla a photocopied script. “Wrote it myself.” They said, proudly. Carmilla took it with her eyebrows raised, impressed.

“This year’s spring musical is a story of burning passions and blazing tommy guns, written by our very own LaFontaine.” Miss Garber said, and everyone looked down the row at LaF, who then smiled. “With words and music by Laura Hollis. It follows the rise and fall of Tommy ‘the gun’ Thornton in prohibitionary New York.”

This has LaFontaine written all over it, Carmilla said to herself.

“Now then. Let’s see. Laura Hollis will be our Alicia, the mysterious club singer.”

Carmilla glanced over to the blonde who sat a few seats down from LaFontaine. She seemed very happy about getting the part. Carmilla, becoming bored, rested her head on the back of her seat and closed her eyes.

“Lola Perry will be playing Caroline.”

Carmilla heard Laura whisper congratulations to ginge number two: Lola Perry.

“Carmilla Karnstein will read Tommy Thornton.”

Carmilla didn’t register what had been said at first. She opened one eye and looked to see the whole club looking at her. She opened her other eye and sat up straight. 

“Wha-?” She chuckled at the hilarity of it. “No. No. See, I—I didn’t plan on acting or anything…”

***

The drama club, plus a very cranky Carmilla, were sat on chairs in a circle on the stage of the auditorium. She drummed her fingers on her play booklet as Perry read.

“When did you know, Tommy?” Perry said, as Caroline. Carmilla, looking exceptionally grumpy, turned to her. 

“Know what?” She said, blankly.

“That we were in love?” Perry replied, getting really into it.

Carmilla sighed, looking down at her booklet.

“Love? Uh..baby, believe me, you don’t wanna go falling in love with a guy like me.”

Carmilla was suddenly very aware of Laura’s eyes on her. 

“It’s too late, Tommy. I’m crazy about you. I’m breathing it, drinking it all in. Aren’t you?” Perry continued.

Carmilla laughed slightly as she cringed, earning a look from LaFontaine.

“Yeah, I---I don’t know what I’m drinking, doll face, but if this is love, pour me another glass?” Carmilla chuckled again. LaFontaine was red in the face with anger.

“Miss Karnstein,” Miss Garber intervened, “Are you _trying_ to be bad at this?”

“Oh, no. It just comes naturally.” She said with a charming grin. Everyone laughed.

“Alright everyone, lets go to the end.”

Laura finally stopped staring at Carmilla, looking down at her script, shaking her head and smiling.

***

Later that evening, the group filed out of the auditorium and into the rain, Carmilla trailing behind everyone else. Unable to see Mattie or her jeep anywhere, she moved to stand under the overhang of the building and lit a cigarette. She should have known Mattie would be late, and could feel herself getting angrier by the second. 

Then Laura was next to her. Fantastic.

“You’re like this fly, buzzing around everywhere-“ Carmilla said, not even looking at the blonde.

“-This play means a lot to me.” Laura seemed to blurt out, her emotions taking over.

Carmilla snorted. “ _This_ play?”

“I know you don’t suck at acting,” Laura said, ignoring the comment. “So, would it kill you to try?”

“Yup. And I’m too young to die, cutie.”

Laura sighed at that. “It’s okay I get it. You have to make a big joke out of this because only dorks and dweebs like doing theatre-“

“-What are you talking about?” Carmilla asked.

Laura paused for a moment. “I can judge too.”

Carmilla exhaled the smoke from her cigarette, eyeing her, daring her. So Laura dared.

“You don’t care about classes or graduating. But you like school because you’re popular and you know you’ll never be on top again.”

“That’s deep, cutie.”

“Your act only works with an audience, Carm." 

“My act?!” Carmilla asked, her voice more high pitched than usual. The cheek of this girl.

Laura just walked off toward her car, the last in the parking lot. Carmilla checked her watch and looked around. Still no Mattie. She finished her cigarette, throwing the end of it on the floor and stepping on it to extinguish it.

Moments later she was stood in front of Laura’s car, just as the girl revved the engine. For a split second, Carmilla believed she saw a glint in Laura’s eye that said ‘I wouldn’t mind running you over right now’. Touché, Carmilla thought, she was well aware that she’d been nothing but a dick to Laura.

She took the fact that she was still standing as a good sign so walked over to the driver’s side and Laura rolled down her window. 

“Feeling Christian, cutie?” Carmilla gave her best puppy dog eyes. She was now soaked, desperate and willing to beg. “We can talk about you helping me with my lines.” She said with a wink.

“Seatbelt.” Laura commanded after Carmilla had climbed in, who sighed but complied with the request still. Laura smiled, satisfied, and turned the radio on. A song by Someone Carmilla Would Never Listen To came on and she changed the station.                                                                               

Laura switched it back, her nose bunching up in annoyance. So Carmilla changed the station once more, with smiley eyes as she realised Laura may have let her win. She covered her mouth with her hand to hide her smile.

“I forfeit.” Laura surrendered, watching the road. 

“Thank you.” Carmilla said, more than pleased with herself. “You’re so predictable, cupcake.”

At that, Laura jerked the car across the centre lane. Driving on the other side of the road. Carmilla gripped the dash, looking over at her in shock. “What the-?" 

“So you’ll try? With the play?” Laura said eyes trained to the road.

Carmilla looked from Laura to out of the windshield. Headlights were looming and there was an incoming car.

“YES!” The brunette shouted and Laura swung the car back into the right lane, smiling.

“Really?” She asked, converting back to the sweet Laura Hollis she was thirty seconds ago.

Carmilla dropped her attitude and thought about it, playing with her key ring awkwardly. “Yeah, Kelly will make me leave school if I screw up the play anyways. Or at all.”

“28 and 42.” Laura said, to herself.

Carmilla tried to act like she didn’t hear or care, but who was she kidding?

“What’s with the numbers?” 

“28 is do something illegal. 42 is befriend an enemy. It’s like a to-do list for my life. If you can’t imagine the future, you won't have one.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes at the small dig. “What else have you got on there? Anything along the lines of getting a new personality?”

Laura mumbled something under her breath, which Carmilla couldn’t make out. It made her smile. “Are you asking me to mock me or do you really want to know?”

“Maybe a little of both.” The passenger answered, honestly, and they both smiled.

“Mm. Spend a year in the peace corp. Make a medical discovery.” 

“Ambitious.” Carmilla observed.

“Be in two places at once. Get a tattoo.”

Carmilla raised an intrigued eyebrow at the last one. Maybe what Mattie had said about the quiet ones having a naughty side was right.

“What’s number one?”

“I’d tell you Carm, but then I’d have to kill you.” Laura said, mischievously and Carmilla found herself genuinely laughing. She looked out of the window and spotted  in the parking lot of a burger place, illuminated through the rain by the joints neon sign. Despite the smallest chance of Carmilla being spotted, it was still enough for her to lean forward to avoid being seen.

Laura looked through Carmilla’s window and then at the brunette, smirking at her silliness.

***

Carmilla sat on her porch with Mattie, who’d come over to help her rehearse as a way of apologising for ditching her after the auditions.

“I’ve come to see if you’re ready.” Mattie read, flatly.

“Take a good look, lady, ‘cause the only thing I’m ready for is a dirt nap.” Carmilla read, there was a definite improvement from the first time.

It continued like that for a while, and Mattie actually managed to stay serious for longer than she’d anticipated, but all good things come to an end.

Mattie soon started making every line in the play an innuendo, and it became impossible for Carmilla to focus.

“Come on, Mattie! Do you know I’ve only got three weeks to memorise this stuff?!” 

“Sis, you couldn’t pull this off if you had three _months_. DeNiro couldn’t make this crap work.” 

“Look, I didn’t write it okay. It’s a school play.” 

“No, but you’re the one who’s gonna make a fool out of herself in front of the whole town, the school, your friends.” Mattie teased. 

“Look, I don’t have a choice. So, would you just help me out, please?” Carmilla said, a little deflated.

Mattie stood up and placed a hand on her shoulder. “You know I’m just teasing you, right? I’m going to be there, opening night, front row, and you can count on it. With tomatoes.” 

Mattie laughed and Carmilla smiled, fondly. Despite the joke, she knew Mattie would always have her back.

“Thanks, Mattie.”


	4. Compassion

Carmilla emerged from a classroom and into the corridor. She spotted Laura and looked around, checking the coast was clear, and approached the smaller girl as she emptied her locker.

“Laura,”

Laura hesitated slightly before glancing behind her and sighing when she realised whom the voice belonged to, then turned back to her locker.

“What do you want, Karnstein? I’ve known you for years and you’ve never been the first one to come up and say hello.” Laura asked, smiling. 

“I need help with my lines.”

Laura shut her locker and faced Carmilla, her arms full of books. “Carmilla Karnstein is asking me for help?” There was genuine surprise in the blonde’s voice.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I’ll pray for you.” Laura said before strolling off, closely followed by Carmilla.

“No, Laura, look. I really-“

“-You’ve obviously never asked anybody for help before, right?”

“No,” Carmilla quietly admitted.

“Hey, Carmilla.” A random girl who Carmilla _possibly_ recognised waved as she walked past, prompting an eye roll from Laura. Carmilla, however, didn’t pay attention to the stranger.

“A request like yours requires flattery and grovelling. It can’t be all about you. It has to be for the common good.” Laura explained, enjoying this far too much.

“It _is_ for the common good. LaFontaine deserves the best.” Carmilla was pulling out all the stops but Laura said nothing. She sighed.

“Please?” she begged, desperate now. 

"Okay, one condition though, Karnstein." Laura said after a moment of thought.

"What's that?" Carmilla asked, trying her best not to roll her eyes.

"You have to promise you won't fall in love with me." Laura said, and Carmilla chuckled but was confused at the lack of humour in the blonde's voice.

"That's really not going to be a problem." Carmilla stated, confidently.

“Okay. I’ll see you this afternoon after school.” Laura said chirpily and walked away, as if she wasn’t a freaking crazy person.

“Okay!” Carmilla said to no one, in mocking enthusiasm.

***

Carmilla stood on the porch of the Hollis house, slightly sweaty from having to cycle over. Her bike now stood on its kickstand on the front lawn.

She wasn’t nervous. She had no reason to be. Sure, Reverend Hollis was tall and intimidating but father’s _loved_ her. Other’s people’s father’s anyway.

The door of the house swung open and the Reverend stood in the doorway. Carmilla gave a cheery wave, slightly sweatier now than she had been a moment ago.

“Hey. Carmilla Karnstein.” She offered her hand. The Reverend took it half-heartedly, looking her up and down. Carmilla was suddenly very aware of her poor outfit choice, for the first time meeting of a Reverend, that is. She was wearing her army boots, torn jeans, an old band t-shirt and a plaid shirt wrapped around her waist. Small town rebel look.  _Check_.

“ _You’re_ in the play?” Mr Hollis asked, clearly surprised to find Carmilla stood on his front porch.                                          

“Yes, sir. Lead man. Well, woman.” Carmilla said with a wink and instantly regretted it. 

Thankfully, at that moment, Laura slid out of the door from behind her father. Carmilla couldn’t help notice how good she looked in jeans and a white t-shirt. Almost normal. Then a crash behind Carmilla had them all turning their attention to the front lawn.

Carmilla’s bike had fallen to the floor and she bounded down the porch steps. She then began to struggle with the kickstand as Laura and her father watched.

“Er, Miss Karnstein, I just need a word with Laura inside while you deal with that.” The Reverend called over.

“Sure, yeah, I’ll just fix this then wait on the porch.” Carmilla said, not looking up from her stupid bike, which she eventually ended up leaving stood against a neatly trimmed bush. It probably wasn’t the most ideal place but the time for first impressions was long gone.

She went back to the porch and sat on a white, porch swing. She heard Laura’s father’s voice coming from inside.

“Carmilla Karnstein, here? The girl’s dangerous. She’s careless. The worst kind of bully.”

Ouch, Carmilla thought.

“Daddy, what about forgiveness? You know, I—I thought we had discussed that I was gonna be able to decide how I wanted to spend my time in my life.” Laura’s voice spoke, as sweet as ever.

“Well, it’s her I don’t trust, not you.”

Carmilla blocked out the rest of the conversation, not understanding why it had hit her so hard. Her head was hung low when Laura returned. 

“Uh, hey.” Laura smiled. 

“Hi.”

“So, you gonna sit out here all afternoon or what? Come on in.” Laura waited for Carmilla to stand and bumped her arm as the two entered the house.

“My script’s just in my room, I’ll be right down.” She started up the stairs. “Make yourself at home.”

Carmilla walked into the living room, looking at the pictures on the mantelpiece. “That’s..not likely.” She mumbled under her breath.

“I suppose a congratulations are in order on your lead part, Miss Karnstein.” Mr Hollis entered the room and the brunette stiffened.

“Listen, thanks for letting come over and read lines with Laura.” Carmilla said, feeling awkward after overhearing the Reverend’s thoughts on her.

“I didn’t let you.” 

“Oh.” Figures.

“It’s a school night,” Mr Hollis explained. “Let’s get one thing straight Miss Karnstein. You think that on Sundays, I don’t see you from where I stand.” His eyes locked with her own and Carmilla became increasingly uncomfortable. “But I see you. I know what you’re about.” He began walking into his office. “I’ll just be right here.” The warning was clear.

Laura came bounding down the stairs. “Ready?” She asked.

“Yes, _please_.” Carmilla answered, walking quickly over to Laura, who was eyeing her curiously. 

***

Carmilla walked over to her posse casually, and Will spotted her first.

“Kitty! Where’ve you been?” He questioned.

“Nowhere, really.”

“Hey, come here, listen.” He put an arm around Carmilla. “Are we good?”

“Yeah, sure” Carmilla nodded. _No, not really_.

Will seemed happy enough with the answer though, then the bell rang and the two walked off to class. 

***

She missed her Baby. Her late night drives by herself weren’t the same in her mother’s clunky station wagon, but they were still essential, especially at this point in her life. She felt like everything was wrong all of a sudden, and it made her angry.

Driving round Beaufort at night was probably her favourite thing about living in a small town. It was almost a ghost town after nine o’clock.

She was driving past the cemetery and thought of the last time she was here with Ell, and then how Laura had appeared, climbing over the gate. That whole night was still vivid in her memory. She could almost see Laura right now, walking by the cemetery. Wait, she _could_ see Laura walking by the cemetery.

Carmilla slowed the car as she watched the blonde walk over to the locked rear gate and climb over it. What the hell? Who _was_ this girl?

She cut the ignition and climbed out. When she reached the fence she took a run at it but her right foot slipped from the first reachable bar and she landed on the gravel with a thud. Smooth, Karnstein. She wiped the dry dirt off her behind and tried again. Slower, this time.

Once she was inside she looked through the dark for Laura. Seeing her not far up the path she jogged a little to reach her. “Hey!” She whispered, but loudly.

Laura yelped a little and spun round, Carmilla laughed heartily. Revenge was sweet. Laura just stared at her, breathless and annoyed.

“It’s a joke, cutie, _laugh_.” Carmilla said, smugly, and walked past a still frozen Laura further into the cemetery. “What are you even doing here, cupcake?”

“I should ask you the same question.” Laura had now caught up to Carmilla and was walking beside her.

“Well, do you normally walk by yourself in the cemetery all night?”

“Maybe.” Laura shrugged, speeding up a little as she turned on a flashlight. 

“Where are you going?” Carmilla called after her.

The blonde spun round and shone the flashlight into the other girls face. “Come and see.”

Laura led her to a storage shed that was situated by a plot of grass, surrounded by flowerbeds. Carmilla waited as the other girl went inside. She returned a moment later carrying several pieces of an unfamiliar looking device.

“What is that?”

“ _That_ is my telescope.” Laura set it down on a clear patch of grass nearby. A couple of tombstones were dotted about. “I built it when I was twelve.”

Carmilla didn’t hide that she was impressed. Encouraged by that, Laura beckoned towards it when she’d assembled it, telling Carmilla to look through it. 

A beautiful golden planet with a flat ring system came into view, and Carmilla couldn’t help but gasp.

“Saturn. Beautiful.” She whispered.

“Before Voyager we expected maybe a dozen rings-“ Laura began.

“-But there are thousands of them, made of floating ice...” Carmilla finished, looking a little embarrassed; it was Laura’s turn to be impressed. “I’m not smart. Just a sponge.”

Laura smiled wider, but disagreeing, then looked through the telescope to change its view. “Sometimes I just come here and scan the heavens.”

“Looking for intelligent life?” Carmilla joked, uncomfortable at the nice moment they’d shared.

“Looking for something, someone…” Laura said quietly.

“Why the cemetery? Why do you come here?”

“My mother’s buried near here.” Laura explained, a slight sorrow in her voice. “It’s dark and quiet and you can see into another world.”

Carmilla now understood what Laura had meant when she said she was looking for someone. “Do you believe you’ll see her again? Your mother?”

“I hope so. I think maybe she sees me now.” Laura stood away from the telescope and their eyes met. Carmilla thought Laura’s eyes were shinier than before, but then the blonde looked away and changed the subject. “I’m planning on building a larger one to see the comet Hyakutake. It comes this spring, but nobody knows when it’s coming back.”

“Ah. Nature’s miracles.” Carmilla said, her voice contained more sarcasm than she’d intended it to, and Laura looked down, hurt.

“Hey, I get it.” Carmilla said, moving a step closer to Laura.

“Get what?”

Carmilla motioned to the telescope. “That you’re into all this stuff.” Great as ever with your words, Karnstein.

Laura frowned a little. “This… _stuff_? I have my beliefs, I have faith, but don’t you?”

“No.” Carmilla said, not having to think about it. “There’s too much bad shit in this world.”

“Without suffering there’d be no compassion." 

“Yeah, well, tell that to those who suffer.” Laura sighed a little and shook her head, but said nothing.

***

At some point, Carmilla had gone back to her car to retrieve her script for the play, and her and Laura were now sat in the cemetery against a tombstone, rehearsing lines. Carmilla was okay with the fact that their shoulders were touching. 

“People think I’m strange, don’t they?” Laura asked, and Carmilla was confused for a moment, not recalling that being in the script. She looked to the girl at the side of her.

“Yes.” Carmilla smiled, kindly.

“Because I try to be nice to people?”

Carmilla thought for a second. “Yeah. Maybe. I dunno.”

“Do _you_ think I’m strange?” Laura bumped her shoulder against Carmilla’s, who was caught a little off guard by Laura’s bluntness.

“Yeah I do, but that can be good.”

Laura smiled gratefully and leaned her head back against the tombstone. Carmilla picked at the corners of her script and bit her lip. 

“Your father doesn’t like me.” It was barely audible, but Laura heard it and opened her eyes to look at Carmilla.

“He doesn’t trust you.” The blonde countered, but gently.

Carmilla nodded. “Sometimes _I_ don’t even trust me.” 

A moment passed as Carmilla looked up at the stars, and Laura looked at Carmilla. Then the smaller girl took the script out of Carmilla’s hand and flipped to the next scene. “I’m not afraid of you.” She whispered before reading the page.

“Likewise, cupcake.” 

***

Later that night Carmilla lay in bed and flipped through the TV channels. She settled on some British nature documentary then searched for a pen and paper and titled it. She wasn’t sure how long she lay there staring at the page, but eventually she must’ve fallen asleep, the paper still on her chest, with ‘Life List’ written at the top of it.

***

“Why is Laura Hollis staring at us?”

The group stood around Carmilla’s locker, messing around before class. They all looked towards Laura who was still looking and laughed.

“That little Virgin Mary definitely wants to jump Carmilla’s bones.” Mattie said, curious.

“That is _so_ pitiful.” Ell said, failing to hide the insecurity in her voice.

Carmilla could see Mattie looking between her and Laura and she started to feel nervous. When it came to Mattie, the brunette was an open book; there was no hiding anything from her.

“She’s very confused.” Carmilla sniped, hoping to throw Mattie and the rest of them off.

“She’s coming over here…” Ell pointed out and Carmilla’s heart was in her stomach as she braced herself.

“Hi,” Laura said, only to Carmilla, who didn’t respond. Carmilla attempted to shut out the confused look on the blonde’s face and the way she shifted from foot to foot, looking awkward. “So…I’ll see you after school?”

Will, Mattie, Ell, Elsie, SJ; the whole group waited for Carmilla’s response.

“In your dreams.” She said with a smirk. Laura just looked at her, not angry or hurt, just like she’d kind of expected it. Carmilla wasn’t sure what was worse.

Laura gave a small nod and then walked away. Carmilla’s face fell as the rest of the group snickered. The brunette watched the other girl disappear into the crowd, a better person than Carmilla would ever be, and she knew it.

***

The station wagon pulled up outside the Hollis residence with an unhappy Carmilla at the wheel. She looked toward the house and sighed.

She walked along the path and swallowed hard, trying to remember a time when she’d been this nervous.

The brunette stood on the porch and rang the doorbell. An eternity passed and there was still no answer so Carmilla rang again, then the door opened and Laura stood there. Carmilla looked at her, ashamed, but before she could work up the courage to speak the door was shut in her face.

Carmilla leaned forward and put her hands on either side of the doorframe, letting her head fall in disappointment, and maybe a little shame. Or a lot of it.

“Come on, Laura. Open the door. Please.” She said softly and knocked a few times.

The door re-opened and Laura was coming towards her so she backed up and the blonde joined her on the porch.

“What do you want?” Laura asked; arms crossed protectively over her chest. So much for her not being scared of you, Karnstein.

“You’re not in a good mood.”

“You don’t miss a thing.” Laura said, an unfamiliar bite to her voice. 

“Listen, Laura, I was hoping we could run lines together.”

Laura nodded. “Okay, but just so nobody knows, right?”

“Well, Ell’s a very jealous person. And I figured we could surprise everybody with how good I get.”

“That _would_ be the reason.” Laura scoffed. “So it’s like you want to be secret friends?” Laura smiled.

“Exactly! It’s like you’re reading my mind!” Carmilla said as Laura continued to smile.

“Great. Um. Maybe you could read mine.” Laura’s smile was replaced by a blank expression and Carmilla’s face fell as the smaller girl turned to go back inside.

“Laura. Laura, I can’t just be your friend.” She called out, exasperated.

Laura stopped before closing the door. “Carmilla, look, I thought I saw something in you. Something good. But I was very wrong.”

The door shut and Carmilla sighed, walking down the porch steps.

“DAMMIT, LAURA!” She couldn’t stop the outburst.

The door swung open and suddenly Reverend Hollis walked through it, furious and threatening.

“Sorry.” Carmilla mumbled, ashamed, and walked back to her car.

***

Carmilla stormed into her bedroom when she got home and started pacing. She couldn’t deny she felt awful. Her eyes landed on her yearbook on the dresser, she grabbed it and went to lie on her bed. She flipped through until she found Laura’s photo and smiled when she saw it.

She looked down to read the caption:

**Laura Hollis**

_Red Cross; Star Club; Drama Club_

**Ambition** _: To witness a miracle._

***

“Come on, kid. I know you know this.” Carmilla sat by Luis, the geometry textbook open on the same page as usual. The boy just twirled his basketball and shrugged, sadly. Carmilla stood and ran a hand through her hair.

Her eyes wandered round the room. Everyone else was getting stuck in with his or her partners, except Laura who’d stopped to watch Carmilla. The brunette avoided eye contact with the other girl and her eyes wandered through the window to the basketball court.

***

“Okay, it’s you, me, and the basket. We form the three corners of a triangle. Now, take a step towards the basket.”

Carmilla and Luis stood a few feet apart on the basketball court and several feet away from the basket. Luis followed her instructions and they both stepped forward.

“Now am I at the same angle to you and the basket as before?”

“Yeah,” Luis said, his basketball still in hand.

“Are you?”

“Yeah.”

“So what did we just make?” Carmilla asked, already pleased with Luis’s progress.

“Uh, a similar triangle?”

Carmilla grinned. “Yes.” Luis grinned back.

“Okay, make me an isosceles.” She instructed and he took a huge step to the left. Carmilla spotted Laura watching them through the classroom window.

“You got it, kid. Two sides the same.” Luis smiled wider.

“Okay, enough of this. Let’s play.” And she lifted her hands for Luis to throw her the ball. 

***

A week passed and the silence between Laura and Carmilla hadn’t let up. In that time, Carmilla had found her own behaviour noticeably different.

Without the help of Laura to recite her lines, she was at home more than usual, in her room or in the garden, rehearsing the script.

Laura and Carmilla communicated in rehearsals, but only when necessary. There were moments when Carmilla would mess up and do something goofy, accidentally, and she’d find Laura laughing at her. The goofs happened more often then, sometimes purposely.

She would also find herself watching Laura whenever she could. For some reason she’d now notice that she had her hair different, or that she had a new top. Things she wouldn’t care to look for before. 

At one point, she’d even found herself in the local bookstore, ending up in the spiritual/religion section. She’d chosen a book and sat in a corner, wondering why it’d taken her so long to do this. 

It was those events plus a certain blonde, she thought, that lead her to the rehab place on Oak Street. The TV was on as she stood in the doorway of the room. It was playing some black and white film and Kirsch was watching it, but not really caring what was going on.

Carmilla hung her head in shame and stepped in. Kirsch turned his head to acknowledge her presence but then looked back to the TV.

“I er, I came to say I’m sorry." 

Kirsch just shrugged. “Feel better?”

“No. I feel like shit.”

“You know what? I- I actually thought I wanted to be your friend.” He smiled bitterly and shook his head. “Now I have no idea why. No idea.”

_Me neither, buddy._

“I made that jump once. Thought I was a badass. I remember actually saying that I- I _meant_ to belly flop.” 

“Did it hurt?”

“Like hell.” Carmilla answered honestly.

“Good.” Kirsch said, it was cold but he then smiled slightly, and Carmilla returned it.

“So, I guess I’ll see you at school then?” Kirsch gave an acknowledging nod but said nothing.


	5. Realization

“Go ahead and run your booze!” Lola Perry, as Caroline, shouted towards Carmilla who, as Tommy, set her drink down on the ‘bar’ and ignored her.

Perry walked back over to her and shoved her roughly. “You big dope! I hope you drown in it!”

There were a few gasps in the audience as they watched LaFontaine’s story unravel on the stage. It was a full house in Beaufort High's auditorium and so far, opening night was a success.

Perry went to storm off stage when a hooded stranger stood in her way. Perry, still in character, looked her up and down.

“So, you must be the new girl he’s hired. The singer?” Perry glanced at Carmilla then back to the stranger. “You want some free advice about that one? Stay far, far away.” She gave Carmilla one final, bitter look then left the stage.

A few scenes later, Carmilla was sat at a table on stage, as an injured Tommy. Laura, as Alicia, stood at the ‘bar’, still hooded.

“I ain't askin’ for forgiveness.” Carmilla said, addressing the audience but speaking to Laura, who dropped her hood. She was wearing makeup and her hair was waved like a mermaids. Carmilla sighed when she saw her. “I just did what I had to do.” 

Then Laura removed her cloak completely. She was wearing a light blue dress that clung to her body in all the right places. A collective gasp from the audience told Carmilla that she wasn’t the only one in the room taken aback by Laura’s appearance. 

Carmilla was aware there was a line she was supposed to deliver but she couldn’t take her attention off of Laura. She was momentarily tongue-tied.

“Wh- when you walked out of the rain and into my club,” Carmilla thankfully found her voice, and Laura went to sit opposite her at the table. “That wasn’t just coincidence was it?”

Laura shook her head ‘no’. “Nothing’s coincidence.” She was definitely perfect for the part. Perfect.

“Your face…you looked so familiar. Like this dame I knew once, only, it wasn’t real. It was a dream.” Carmilla continued. Her eyes hadn’t left Laura’s.

“Tell me about this dream girl.” Laura said. Carmilla gazed at her for a moment. The ability to speak had apparently evaded her yet again and she looked down, praying to remember.

“Well, I don’t…remember.” She said shakily. She knew Miss Garber and LaFontaine would be having a heart attack right now. Laura was just watching her thoughtfully and patiently. “All I know…is you’re beautiful.”

The improvised line visibly stunned Laura, but it had just come out. It had needed to be said. It also hadn’t fixed Carmilla’s problem with remembering her lines. Then she heard Miss Garber’s voice from offstage whisper ‘The song!’ and everything clicked back into place.

“The dream…” She leaned forward and spoke gently to Laura. “Help me to remember.” 

Laura, still stunned, eyed Carmilla nervously. Carmilla placed a hand on Laura’s elbow and stroked it with her thumb. “Will you sing for me?”

The music started and Carmilla breathed with relief. Laura began singing, sometimes looking at Carmilla then sometimes into the audience. Carmilla watched her pensively, enraptured by this girl who was moving around the stage and singing like an angel.

Everytime Laura sang while looking into her eyes Carmilla had to swallow hard, overwhelmed by emotion. Everything about this girl was beautiful. Every single thing. Why had it taken so long for her to realise it? 

The song was coming to an end and Laura sat back down at the table. Carmilla became more anxious as she finished it. Everything about Laura in this moment was clouding her judgement. Mostly it was her shining, radiant eyes and the way they looked at Carmilla as if she was the sun. The song ended and Carmilla looked down at the blonde's lips. Her lips. _God_. Her lips.

That was all it took for Carmilla to lean in and kiss Laura, softly. It was quick and gentle, not as fleeting as a peck, but nowhere near long enough. She pulled back as the curtain fell and audience cheered, her own eyes filled with want and love. She looked at Laura as she opened her eyes and noticed that they were filled with tears; eyes that were now trained to the floor and refusing to return Carmilla’s gaze.

***

Carmilla ran out from backstage, glad to be in her usual attire. Her mother was there to meet her and enveloped her in a hug immediately.

“Honey, I couldn’t believe it. What a transformation.” Carmilla pulled back and chuckled at the pride in her mother’s eyes, a little embarrassed too.

“Thank you, but please stop.”

Miss Karnstein relented. “Don’t be home too late.”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Carmilla gave her another smile then turned to look through the crowd. Laura and the Reverend were walking toward the exit of the building, talking to a very happy looking Miss Garber. Laura’s hair was tied up in a loose ponytail; makeup gone and the dungarees had replaced the blue dress – old Laura was back but Carmilla’s heart still leapt.

Suddenly the Reverend was giving her a warning look, as if to say ‘Don’t.’ but that was never going to stop the brunette. She started toward them but then the multi-talented ginger was in front of her.

“Interesting re-write you did out there tonight, Karnstein.” LaFontaine said. Laura and her father were almost gone.

“Well, I do my best.” She replied, impatiently.

“And uh, you’re acting didn’t suck too bad, either.” LaF added, then bid her goodnight.

Carmilla made another attempt to move forward but Miss Garber had reached her now.

“Carmilla. You were marvellous,” The teacher looked at Carmilla with such adoration and the brunette hoped Mattie wasn’t stood somewhere watching because she would _never_ live it down.

“Thank you.” Carmilla smiled but left before she could get caught up another conversation, joining the rest of the exiting crowd. She tried to peer over and through them but Laura was nowhere in sight.

“Carmilla?” No. It couldn’t be. Carmilla spun round on the spot to see her father stood there. “That was a great performance, kid.”

Carmilla’s fists clenched. “What are you doing here?” She asked through gritted teeth.

“Your mother told me about it. I thought we might get a bite after the show.” Her father took a step forward to her and Carmilla couldn’t help but see so much of herself in him. It hurt. 

“I’m not hungry.” She said, turning her back to him and starting to leave.

“Carmilla, don’t walk away.” He called after her.

“You taught me how.” She replied without stopping.

She walked through the parking lot allowing the cool air to wash over her. She was that lost in thought she almost didn’t notice Ell, leant against her mother’s car. She’d waited.

Her face was cold, hard. There was a look of betrayal in her eyes and Carmilla just froze a few feet away. The two stared at one another and Carmilla knew she should have said something, anything, but the words wouldn’t come. Ell just shook her head and walked away to her own car. 

“Ell!” Carmilla called out. The other girl stopped with her door on the handle and turned to face the brunette.

“What?!” Ell waited. 

Carmilla still struggled with what to say. Her mouth opened but nothing came out.

Ell nodded, tears forming in her eyes. “That’s what I thought.” She got into her car and drove away.

Carmilla’s shaking hands fumbled with the keys to the station wagon. She’d gone from such a high to such a low in the space of thirty minutes. She’d kissed Laura. Laura Hollis. In front of the school, her friends, her family. _The Reverend_. And it was amazing. Kissing Laura was amazing. 

Then she’d seen Laura’s face afterwards. Then her father had shown up. Then Ell had, well, broken up with her?

It was all too much to cope with. She considered just going home or calling Mattie, or Will, but ultimately settled on a drive around town. She went about her usual route, however, she’d found herself driving past the cemetery more times than usual that night.

***

Carmilla drove to school early the next day and waited by Laura’s locker, but she was a no show. She considered writing a note and slipping it inside of the locker then convinced herself that was too cliché, and decided she’d probably just catch her at lunch.

Lunch came and Carmilla walked along the line, paying no attention to anyone or anything around her. Her eyes flitted between table seven and the entrance to the canteen. No Laura. 

Carmilla searched through the stacks of books in the library. She looked around every study station and table. Still nothing. Ell was there with SJ though, and as soon as Carmilla walked by Ell turned her head, avoiding eye contact. Carmilla let it be and left the library.

***

The brunette was in her garage that evening, hammering out the final dents in her Baby. Mattie and Will sat inside the car drinking a few beers. She’d needed something to occupy her mind to stop her from making a probably unwanted visit to the Hollis residence.

“So, Kitty. Ell mentioned you were in the library today. She reckons you were looking for a certain Puritan.” Will said, scornfully. Carmilla banged out a dent particularly hard at his words.

“She isn’t like that, William. She’s got her own ideas.”

“Ha. Mutant ideas.” Will scoffed. Mattie watched Carmilla silently.

“Maybe to you.” The brunette said harshly.

Will, shocked, looked to Mattie for support but she was still regarding Carmilla as if she were an alien.

“You know, sis. Ell’s been telling everyone that that kiss at the show was real.” Mattie said, a little suggestive in her tone. Carmilla didn’t care. The kiss was now back at the forefront of her mind and she smiled. The thought of it just had that automatic effect. She decided she wasn’t going to lie about something that brought her such happiness.

“That’s because it was.” She said, simply. She could sense the look of disbelief on Mattie and Will’s faces.

“Kitty are you scamming on Laura Hollis?!” Will asked, sitting out of the car window to look Carmilla.

“Scamming’s a strong word, Will. Now get your ass off of my Baby.” She said sternly and carried on working on the car.

***

Yet again, Carmilla drove to school early and waited by Laura’s locker. She sighed in relief a little when the smaller girl approached from around the corner. Her hair was all pulled back in a ponytail and she looked fresh. Simple. _Good_.

“You weren’t in school yesterday.” Carmilla said, stepping out of the way for Laura but staying as close as possible.

“I went to the doctor with my father.” Laura replied without even looking at Carmilla.

“He okay?”

“Healthy as can be.”

There was a pause as Carmilla stared, a little confused. Laura just gave her a tight-lipped smile and got what she needed.

“You er, you were great the other night.” Carmilla spoke affectionately and moved a little closer to Laura.

“Thank you. So were you.” The blonde shut her locker and leaned her shoulder against it so she was facing Carmilla.

They gazed at each other for a moment. Carmilla lifted a hand hesitantly and moved a stray hair from Laura’s face. The girl froze and tried a delayed duck away from Carmilla’s touch, who dropped her hand immediately.

“I haven’t been nice to you.” The brunette said to the floor. 

“You’re hardly nice to anyone.” Laura corrected. Her voice small and disappointed.

“I’m sorry.”

Carmilla was sincere, but Laura began walking away. “I wish I could believe you.”

***

Carmilla walked into the cafeteria and saw Laura sitting at her usual table, reading alone. She walked over and sat beside the blonde, closer than she would have ever dared to before in a room full of people.

It wasn’t until she was sat there, so close to her, breathing her in that she realised just how much she wanted this to be how it always was, so it hurt a little bit when the smaller girl just glanced at her before returning to her book.

Carmilla’s head dipped slightly as she thought of what to say. Then Laura spoke up.

“People can see.” She stated. 

“And that would ruin your reputation how?” Carmilla teased. She nodded to the book. “What’s that?”

Laura didn’t stop reading, but held the spine toward the brunette so she could read it. To Kill A Mockingbird.

“I’m reading all the books on Mr Rothman’s list of contemporary author’s.” The blonde explained.

“How many are there?”

Laura huffed in annoyance. “A hundred. Then there’s his classic and European list.”

Carmilla nodded in understanding. “So, this is on your list? To read all these books?”

Laura ignored the question and just slurped on her juice box.

“Laura, I’m trying here, okay? Maybe…” The words caught in Carmilla’s throat but she knew they needed to be said. She leaned into Laura and spoke gently. “Maybe I miss spending time with you. Maybe you inspire me.”

Laura shut her book angrily and frowned. “Sounds like bull.”

“Huh? Which part?”

“All of it.” She looked right at Carmilla, who was slightly irked at the accusation.

“Well it’s not.” She claimed, desperately.

Laura shoved her book into her backpack and threw it over her shoulder. She moved a little closer to Carmilla, still looking her in the eye. “Prove it.” She said, icily, then stood from the table and stormed out.

Carmilla looked up to the ceiling and breathed in. Then her brow furrowed and she jumped up from the table to follow Laura.

She caught up to her at the school steps.

“Laura-“

Laura spun round and Carmilla had to stop quickly to not run into her. “You lack honour, compassion, honesty, _humanity_. You don’t know the first thing about being someone’s friend.” Laura shouted, breathless now. She turned and made for the parking lot. Carmilla carried on after her.

“I don’t wanna just be your friend Laura!”

“You don’t know _what_ you want.” The blonde called back.

“Neither do you. Maybe you’re just too scared that someone might actually want to be with you…”

Laura stopped and turned around again. “And why would what that scare me?”

"Because you wouldn’t be able to hide behind your books or your frickin’ telescope-- or your faith.” Carmilla was breathless too now. Laura just shook her head and walked away. Again.

“No. No.” Carmilla said firmly and grabbed Laura’s arm to spin her back round. “You know the real reason why you’re scared? Is because maybe you wanna be with me too.” 

The truth was written all over Laura’s face, she didn’t need to say anything. Carmilla had clearly made her realise something but still, she yanked her arm from the taller girl’s and speed-walked toward her car. Carmilla let her go, throwing her hands in the air in frustration.

She turned back toward the steps to see Mattie, Will and SJ at the top of them, guffawing at the spectacle Carmilla had caused. She’d had enough.

“You know, if you guys were really my friends, you’d be helping me, not running me down.”

“The only one running you down is you, sis.”

Carmilla just shoved her way through them and walked back into the school.

***

The bridge over the waterway was beautiful at night. Calm. Carmilla sat there alone in an abandoned car, a Yugo, she believed. It had been there years and Carmilla had always told herself she’d come one day and fix it up. Of course, like everything else her younger self aspired to do, it had never happened.

“Thought I’d find you out here.” Mattie walked over to the window where she sat, then joined her in the car.

Carmilla gave her a half-hearted smile then looked back out into the night.

“What’s with you, sis? It’s like you don’t even have time for your real friends anymore.” Mattie asked with a sigh.

“I don’t know, Mattie. I really don’t. I’m just sick and tired of doing the same old shit all the time.”

“That girl’s changed you and you don’t even know it.” Mattie observed.

Carmilla laughed a little. “Ell says that too?" 

“No. I do.”

Carmilla looked down. She knew Mattie was right.

***

Carmilla loved winter and December was her second favourite month after November. It was a Saturday and she’d finally finished fixing up her car. Her Baby pulled into the parking lot of Jefferson High, all buffed up and shiny again.

A Christmas party was being thrown for the tutors and tutored. Carmilla walked into the library taking off her leather jacket. She was wearing leather pants, a white shirt and black tie. She twisted her jacket awkwardly in her hands and looked around the room.

Across from her was Laura, laughing with her student, Isobel. She wore a floaty, royal blue dress. Her hair was down in curls. She was beautiful. Carmilla wished she could go over to her but Laura looked happy and she didn’t want to ruin that.

Then she heard a cough to the side of her and Luis was there, smiling up at her. Before she could greet him Principal Adam’s voice sounded throughout the room. She looked over and there he was with a microphone, stood by Principal Kelly at the centre of the room. Laura was just to the side of them.

“Everyone? Everyone. Can I have your attention please? As you all know, we’re here to celebrate the holidays, all of your hard work and to also raise a little bit of money for the library. The raffle drive is being led by Beaufort High’s Laura Hollis.” Adam’s said. There was applause from the room, including Carmilla. She looked over at Laura who was smiling as she stepped to the microphone.

“Thank you to anyone who bought tickets. Last night is the last chance to buy them so if you’ve not already please do so,” She paused and looked at Carmilla, “Or I suppose even if you have…we’ve raised two hundred and eighty-five dollars so far.” There was more applause as she stepped down.

“About enough to buy maybe five volumes in a set of encyclopaedia’s.” Carmilla commented so Luis could hear, who just smiled and rolled his eyes.

“It’s a start.” Laura said from the other side of her, apparently having overheard. Carmilla stood up straight to look at her.

“Sure, cupcake, with a finish in about a decade.” She teased. Laura smiled. “So, you’re talking to me now?”

“When I have something to say.” Laura said, matter-of-factly and Carmilla grinned. The blonde excused herself to get a drink and Carmilla watched her go. She _may_ have checked her out. Luis was staring at her and she looked at him.

“What?”

“ _Cupcake_?” He mimicked Carmilla, a look of disgust on his face. 

“Shut up, kid.” She ruffled his hair then looked around for Laura again. She was stood at a windowsill, writing a raffle ticket buyers name down in a notebook. She smiled at them as she left and Carmilla snuck up behind her.

“Two raffle tickets please.” Carmilla said but Laura continued to write in her notebook.

“I believe you’ve already bought some off of me, Karnstein.” 

“Well, maybe I don’t fancy my chances with the ones I have. Maybe I really want those movie tickets.” Carmilla moved to lean against the windowsill and stood side-on from Laura.

“Maybe you should try having a little faith?” Laura was being playful and Carmilla’s heart felt hopeful.

“What’s number one on your list?” Carmilla asked, inquisitively.

Laura just shook her head.

“Okay, my number one would be getting out of Beaufort.” The brunette shared. Laura looked up at her.

“Getting out won’t be your problem. It’ll be figuring out what you want when you get somewhere.” The blonde walked away and left Carmilla at the window.

“What does that mean?!” She called after Laura, not sure whether she’d just been insulted or the opposite.

Laura turned back, “It means you can do anything, Carmilla.” Carmilla smiled, unsure why after everything, Laura still believed in her.

***

Christmas Day came round fast and Carmilla sat on the couch in the evening with her mother. She wore a sweater her mother had made for her and ‘Gone With The Wind’ had just finished. 

“What’s next honey? ‘It’s a Wonderful Life?’” Miss Karnstein asked. 

“I need to go out for a bit, momma.” Carmilla explained. “I won’t be long, we can watch the movie when I get back.”

“Sure, honey. I’ll warm up some leftovers and have a hot cider waiting for you.”

Carmilla shouted a thanks before leaving.

The Hollis house came into view and Carmilla squinted through the falling snow. A warm glow emitted from the downstairs windows and the even the bright porch light added to the magic.

She got out of her Camaro and threw her backpack over her shoulder. She trudged through the snow onto the porch and was about to knock on the front door when she heard Laura’s voice.

“You.” Laura was sat on her porch swing, wrapped up in about three thick blankets and a book in hand. Her nose was a little red from the cold. It was the most adorable thing Carmilla had seen.

“Me.” She answered with an apologetic smile. She slid her backpack off her shoulder and pulled out a gift bag, which she held out for Laura to take. “It’s just a present, cutie. Take it.” She said kindly when Laura hesitated.

Laura dropped her book and took the bag, opened it and pulled out a beautiful blue sweater. Carmilla felt her heart swell at the overwhelmed look the blonde had on her face. 

“Thank you.”

“Merry Christmas, Laura.” Carmilla said with a happy smile then left the porch.


	6. Humiliation

“Eight hundred.” 

“It’s got a new V-6 and transmission. Alloy wheels. Twelve hundred.” Carmilla countered.

The salesman looked from her to the Camaro, dubiously. “Nine-fifty.”

“New paint. Extra chrome. Interior’s reconditioned. Be a collector’s someday. Twelve.”

“Kid, you can’t expect me to pay for your attachment to the car.”

“I’m not, I expect you to pay me for _yours_.” Carmilla said, confidently.

The salesman looked again from Carmilla to the car then pulled a wad of cash from his pocket. He counted out twelve bills and Carmilla took them, put her hand on the hood of her Baby, and then walked away.

***

Being at the school in holidays was weird. Carmilla rode into the parking lot and was relieved to see Principal Kelly’s car in its reserved space. 

She walked into Kelly’s office and he looked up from his paperwork. He almost paled when he saw it was Carmilla stood in front of him.

“Carmilla?”

She dropped a folded wad of hundreds on his desk. “For Jefferson High. For books.”

Kelly looked up from the money and eyed her suspiciously. “Where did you get-?”

“It’s mine to give. I didn’t steal it.” Carmilla bit back, angry at being hurt by the implication.

“I didn’t say you did.” Kelly said, but looking guilty. Carmilla had heard enough though. She stormed out of the school and left on her old pedal bike.

***

Carmilla stood in her driveway with her arms folded as the tow truck lowered the abandoned Yugo. She paid the tow man then walked around the car, excited to get started on it.

She turned round when she heard footsteps on the sidewalk behind her and found Laura standing there. “Hey,” She said, surprised.

“I heard what you did. Thank you.” The blonde shifted from foot to foot, like she wanted to say more. When she didn’t Carmilla decided to change the subject.

“She great or what?” She asked, nodding to the Yugo.

“Why are you doing all this Carmilla? To impress me?”

“No. But _are_ you?” She asked, quirking an eyebrow.

Laura just gave Carmilla a look that said ‘don’t push it’, so she didn’t. She just watched as Laura walked back to her car.

*** 

Once school started again Carmilla found herself getting stuck into her studies. She hadn’t really made any progress with Laura, the two made small talk and exchanged the odd smile in the hallway, but the blonde would never entertain Carmilla beyond that.

With the exception of Mattie, her friends hadn’t been around much lately either. Not since the show. There was, however, a silver lining to all the downtime as it had allowed her to finish working on the Yugo, which was now driveable. 

She’d become used to being whispered about by passers-by too, but she wasn’t ever going to be bothered by those people.

Today though, walking through the hallways, Carmilla was either noticing the looks more often or there were just _more_ people looking at her. She tried to ignore it and carried on to the cafeteria. As she reached the start of the corridor she could of sworn she’d seen Laura following Ell into the lunchroom. She stopped in her tracks and blinked but they’d disappeared. That was when someone handed her a sheet of paper and Carmilla noticed that almost every other student was holding the same thing.

She looked down at the flier and the bile rose in her throat. It was a Photoshopped image of a woman’s bikini-clad body with the caption: VIRGIN MARY. A photo from the show of Laura’s face was pasted over the original model’s head. It was obviously fake but Carmilla knew it was never trying to be convincing; the flier did its job and it did it well.

Carmilla crushed the flier in her hand and sprinted towards the cafeteria. Laura was stood with her back to her in the centre of a crowd of people, all holding fliers and laughing. People were shouting ‘Nice bod’ and other things that made Carmilla want to throttle every last one of them. Ell and Will were stood closest to Laura and Ell smiled viciously when she saw Carmilla enter. 

Laura turned to bolt but Carmilla was there and caught her in her arms, holding her close. The blonde held on tight as she squeezed the material of Carmilla’s jacket and buried her head into the taller girl’s shoulder.

“Whoa whoa. I’ve got you.” Carmilla’s voice shook along with her body. She saw Will looking over at her in what could only be described as disgust. She pulled back slightly and so did Laura, the girl looked utterly broken and humiliated. The tears in her eyes brought tears to Carmilla’s own. “This is about me, okay?” She cupped Laura’s cheeks gently. “This is not you.” 

Laura nodded and Carmilla set her bag down. “Stay here.” She told Laura gently then walked over to Will, angrily snatching a flier from Ell as she went.

“Hey, Kitty…” Will said calmly, arrogantly. Carmilla handed him the flier and he took it. “No wonder you’ve been keeping her locked up. I mean I had no idea that _this_ was underneath all _that_. Be sure to share her round when you’re done.”

There was a loud smack as Carmilla’s fist connected with Will’s jaw, sending him hurtling to the floor. She turned on her heel and didn’t look back. She just focused on Laura, her expression reverting back to concern. She cupped Laura’s face again so gently, as if she might break. “Are you okay?” Laura nodded. “Let’s get out of here then.”

The brunette picked her bag from the floor and put a protective arm around Laura’s shoulders. 

Carmilla lead her down the school steps then they stopped. She pushed the hair out of Laura’s face with one hand and wiped her tears away with the other.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so so sorry. They’re animals.” Laura just shut her eyes tight and more tears fell. “You want me to take you home?”

Laura nodded and pulled Carmilla closer as they walked towards her car. 

***

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Carmilla asked for the millionth time as they arrived outside Laura’s house.

“Mmhmm.” Laura just responded with a hum, but her eyes did look a little brighter again. “I’m fine. But thank you, for everything.”

Carmilla nodded but frowned, knowing that she didn’t really deserve anything from Laura, let alone a thank you. She reached a hand up to Laura’s face, slowly, so she’d have time to duck if she wanted to. She didn’t want to push her luck but her fingers itched to touch Laura. When she’d done it at school earlier the blonde had closed her eyes and leaned into it every time, and Carmilla wanted to do that forever. To see that kind of peace on Laura’s face.

Laura went to open the car door but Carmilla placed a hand lightly on her arm. “Hey, I, er, wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay,”

Carmilla look at her hopefully. “Will you go to dinner with me on Saturday night?”

Laura looked down. “Um. Sorry. I cant do that.” Carmilla’s attempt to hide her dejected look failed.

“Oh, okay. Do you have something going on or?" 

Laura shook her head. “No, no it’s not that.”

“Then what is it?” Carmilla said gently.

“I’m not allowed to date.” The blonde looked genuinely sad to say it.

***

Carmilla cleared her throat loudly and the Reverend looked up from his place at the podium.

“Can I help you?” He asked, taking a sip of water.

“I’m sorry to bother you while you're practising, Mr Hollis but, er, I’d – well I’d like to ask your daughter to dinner on Saturday night.” Carmilla said as she approached the podium cautiously.

“That’s not possible.” Mr Hollis fired back quickly.

“Well, with all due respect sir, I ask you to reconsider.” Carmilla remained polite.

“Well, with all due respect, Miss Karnstein, I’ve made my decision.” Carmilla remained stood there, resilient. “You can, uh, exit the way you entered.” The Reverend returned to his passage. 

Carmilla was silent for a moment. Then, “Look, I am so sorry I haven’t treated Laura the way I should’ve. She deserves more than that. She deserves everything. I am just asking you for the same thing you teach us every day in church. And that’s faith.” 

The Reverend finally looked up.

“I care for her, sir.”

“I don't want to see her hurt.”

“I wouldn't do that--”

“This week.”

“Ever again.” Carmilla finished, firmly.

The Reverend looked out of the window, considering his options. “Have her home by one. And drive carefully.”


	7. Clichés

Carmilla sat across from Laura at the table. She’d brought her date to a seafront restaurant that her and her mother always ate at on New Year’s Eve. It was quaint, nothing fancy but a favourite with the locals. 

There were more tables outside than in and there was also a small platform where a live band would play at the weekends and customers could dance if they wished. There was a canopy around the edge of the restaurant, which was decorated with fairy lights.

The light from them illuminated Laura’s golden skin and Carmilla knew she was falling in love with this girl. She was wearing a low-cut white top and the blue cardigan Carmilla got her for Christmas. Laura tucked some hair behind her ear bashfully when she noticed the other girl staring.

“I can’t believe you asked my father’s permission.”

“It was no big deal, he was cool about it anyway…” Carmilla shrugged it off like it hadn’t been the fourth scariest moment of her life.

A waiter approached them and asked for drink orders. Laura ordered a grape soda and Carmilla did the same. The waiter left and Carmilla watched him go, and then Laura was the one to get caught staring. It was the most cliché first date she’d ever been on.

The two browsed the menu and at one point Carmilla reached over to hold Laura’s free hand. She had to hide her smile behind her menu when the blonde stroked her hand with her thumb every now and again. 

“Carm, this restaurant’s really nice. Are you sure this is okay?” 

“Don’t even worry about it. Choose whatever you want.”

Laura nodded and smiled.

“So what’ll it be cupcake?”

***

Laura finished off her chocolate cookie dough and Carmilla stared at her own almost still full plate. When she looked back up she saw that Laura had some chocolate just underneath her bottom lip. She reached a hand up and wiped it away with her thumb, letting it linger there for a few moments. It made her think of their first kiss, and how much she wanted to repeat that moment. 

The waiter returned and cleared their plates, asking if everything was okay. Laura nodded and thanked him but Carmilla was too busy staring at her date to give him an answer. A nudge from Laura under the table brought her back to reality.

“Yeah me too, thanks, thank you.”

Carmilla exhaled slowly as Laura watched the dancing couples up on the platform. She knew what was coming.

“Carmmm?” A playful Laura drawled out.

“No.” Carmilla replied bluntly.

“Come on! This is a date there _has_ to be dancing.”

“There is. Right over there. You have a front row seat.” Laura crossed her arms in a huff and Carmilla tried not to smile. “Cupcake,” She said softly. “I don’t- I don’t dance.”

“Well, me neither! I mean, not usually in front of anybody. And even then I’m always-“

Carmilla shook her head. “No I mean, I don’t- I _can’t_ dance. I don’t because I can’t.” Carmilla smiled shyly. She was never ever like this, but Laura just brought it out in her. 

“Everybody can dance. Come on, Carm, you can’t be _that_ bad.” Laura tried and Carmilla attempted to give her a warning look. “Pleaase. For me?” Laura brought out the puppy eyes and Carmilla caved eventually.

Well I’m here now, she thought. She stood from the table and held her hand out for Laura, who took it eagerly. She was momentarily confident until they reached the dance floor, then she started to panic a little. Laura must have sensed it because she took charge, placing Carmilla’s hand on her waist and latching her own hand to Carmilla’s shoulder. Then the two of them held hands.

They both stepped forward at the same time and Carmilla let out an ‘Oof’ as they bumped into each other. 

“Sorry. I told you I was bad at this.” The brunette said, taking a deep breath.

“But in all fairness, you did warn me, right?”

“That’s right, cutie.” The taller girl kissed Laura on the forehead. 

They ‘danced’ for a while.

“What’s number one on your list?” Carmilla smiled mischievously. 

Laura shook her head as if to say, ‘Nope, not telling.’

She was too cute sometimes. 

***

The Yugo came to a stop and Laura looked around, confused. “Where are we?”

“Hold on, you’ll see.” Carmilla replied then got out of the car and walked round to Laura’s side who was already getting out. She grabbed her hand. “Come on, come on. Let’s go.” She started running for a few metres then stopped them at an invisible place, to Laura anyway. To her it was just an empty road at this point.

“Okay, okay. Stand right there, cutie.” 

“All right.”

“Okay, one foot there.” Carmilla instructed as she pointed to the left side of a chalky line on the road.

“Okay.”

“And one foot there.”

“Okay.” 

“There you go.” Carmilla said, pleased with herself.

“You’re acting like a crazy person. What’s going on Carm?” Laura was smiling but the creases in her forehead gave away her confusion. 

Carmilla grinned. “You’re straddling the state line, baby. You’re in two places at once.”

The taller girl watched gleefully as realisation hit Laura’s face. The blonde beamed widely then flung her arms around Carmilla’s neck, who picked her up then spun her round as they laughed.

***

They sat in the car and Carmilla pulled out a few sheets of temporary tattoos from her glove box. Laura leaned over and looked at them.

“Okay, I’ve narrowed them down, cupcake. Butterfly, rosebud, or star?” Carmilla asked.

“You choose.”

Carmilla contemplated for a moment. She was about to pick the star, she thought it’d be perfect for Laura, but then the actual tattoo seemed too simple to rest upon Laura’s skin. She deserved more than just one star. She deserved constellations.

“Butterfly.” 

“Good choice.” Laura seemed happy with that.

“Where would you like it?” Carmilla watched as Laura thought for a second.

The smaller girl pointed to the shoulder that was closest to Carmilla. “Right here.” 

Carmilla watched as she pulled her shirt down slightly so that her shoulder was exposed. She swallowed hard, want was building inside her. She felt bad for having such thoughts but Laura was right _there_ , with her neck and shoulder exposed. Smelling gorgeous. Looking beautiful. Carmilla would be foolish not to want her. 

Laura pointed to the spot where she wanted the tattoo and Carmilla pulled off the cellophane from the sheets with slightly shaky hands, and began applying the butterfly to the other girl’s shoulder. She could feel Laura’s eyes on her the whole time and she loved it, so she took her time.

After a minute or so, Carmilla peeled back the tattoo to reveal the tiny, black butterfly, which now stood out beautifully on Laura’s skin. They looked at each other and smiled, and then Carmilla leaned down to blow softly on Laura’s shoulder, not breaking eye contact with her. When it was dry she pressed her lips to the tattoo and her stomach flipped at the sound of the blonde inhaling sharply.

***

“Last stop before home, cutie.” Carmilla announced as she pulled up by the river. Laura’s face fell a little.

“My curfews not till one, Carm. It’s only eleven.” The pout on her face was too real and Carmilla fought the urge to kiss it away.

“Exactly.” The brunette said with a laugh. “Your dad says one so I get you home by twelve. 

“Carm that’s-“

“-That’s what I’m doing. It’s not for you it’s for him. We both know he’ll be sat up right now, waiting and worrying because his beautiful daughter is on date with Carmilla Karnstein. Now let’s go.” 

The two of them strolled by the docks along the river hand in hand. The moon was big and bright in the sky and the light made the silver water shimmer.

“How can you see places like this, and have moments like this and not believe?” Laura asked, stepping onto a dock and dropping Carmilla’s hand.

“You’re lucky to be so sure.” 

Laura turned away to face the breeze. “It’s like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.” 

“What do you feel?” Carmilla looked at Laura with amazement in her eyes.

“I feel wonder and beauty.” Laura smiled. “Joy…” There was a pause. “Love.” She turned to face Carmilla who stood close to her again now.

“Love?” Carmilla asked quietly, her voice shaky. 

Laura nodded. “It’s the centre of everything.” She’s right, Carmilla thought.

“I might kiss you.” The brunette spoke softly and quietly. Holding Laura by her arms.

Laura looked kind of worried at that. “I might be bad at it.”

Carmilla let out a small chuckle then her face turned serious again and she shook her head. “That’s…not possible.”

Then she leaned in and connected their lips, bringing a hand up to Laura’s cheek. It was a tender, soft kiss. Unlike any other Carmilla had ever had. The one at the show had been fleeting and over too soon. This was slow and so intimate. Just theirs. The hand on Laura’s cheek moved down to her neck as the kiss deepened.

Carmilla pulled away to see how Laura was doing. Her cheeks were flushed and she still had her eyes closed. When she opened them she looked…confused?

“I don’t understand.” She whispered.

Carmilla frowned. “Huh?”

“Why you want me.” The smaller girl explained and Carmilla’s heart wrenched. She moved even closer to Laura and took one of her hands. Then she placed it on her heart. It was beating fast and loud.

“That’s what you do to me, Laura Hollis. No one has ever made it beat like you do. Don’t ever doubt that I want you. And maybe you’re not supposed to understand why. I have no idea why you believe in me the way that you do, but you do." 

A few tears fell from Laura’s eyes. A few tears fell from Carmilla’s.

“I love you, Laura.”

There. She said it. The old her never would have. She’d never have risked looking foolish or being rejected. Laura looked away, her face unreadable. 

“Now’s when you say something.” Carmilla spoke softly and Laura looked up at her. She was pained and Carmilla didn’t know why.

“I can’t. I can’t explain.” Laura said, clearly overwhelmed. She looked into Carmilla’s eyes, and then the brunette felt a hand on her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into the touch. “You make me feel…” Laura started but couldn’t finish it.

“Loved?...” Carmilla tried, hopefully.

Laura smiled. “That. And less strange.” She was crying again and Carmilla decided there’d been enough of that tonight, whether they were happy tears or not. She wiped all the tears away and rubbed her nose against Laura’s.

*** 

They snuck up to Laura’s porch just before twelve. There was a dim light coming from the living room window. Seeing this, Laura turned to Carmilla made a ‘shh’ gesture. Carmilla feigned seriousness with a nod whilst pulling Laura toward her. The smaller girl leaned up to kiss Carmilla and wrapped her arms around her neck. Carmilla moaned slightly as Laura’s tongue found its way into her mouth and Laura pulled away immediately.

“Be very quiet.” She whispered and Carmilla was about to follow those orders and continue but then the front door opened. 

“Hello, Carmilla.” The Reverend stood at the doorway.

The two looked up at him awkwardly but even his intimidating stance couldn’t deter Carmilla’s good mood. She smiled at Mr Hollis then kissed Laura on the cheek.

“Happy first date, Miss Hollis.”


	8. Ambitions

Carmilla stood against her car in the parking lot; waiting for Laura’s to pull in. She could see Mattie and the rest of the group sat on ‘their’ rock on the front lawn.

She’d heard nothing from any of them since that day in the canteen, and she hoped that was because they were all regretful of what they’d done, but something told her they just didn’t care.

She hadn’t really had room in her mind for anything other than Laura though; the blonde had increasingly been at the forefront of it, as of late. Carmilla had been waiting for the humiliation to set in after her confession of love by the river, but it hadn’t come. It didn’t matter that Laura hadn’t said it back; all that mattered to her was that Laura _felt_ loved.

“Where’d you go?” That sweet, sweet voice brought Carmilla back and she smiled as Laura walked over to her.

“I was back at the river.” Carmilla replied, holding her arms out for the smaller girl to walk into.

“Really? I’ve been there a lot lately too.” Laura said, nuzzling into Carmilla’s neck, sighing contentedly.

“You doing okay?” Carmilla asked, remembering that this was the first day back for Laura since the incident. Laura’s hold stiffened around the taller girl’s waist a little and Carmilla kissed the top of her head.

“Not really, but I have you here don’t I? My own personal badass.” Laura joked, keeping the tone light.

Carmilla pushed them both off of the car and interlocked her fingers with Laura’s.

“Yeah, well, I charge hourly cupcake.” Carmilla winked and pulled them both toward the school.

As the couple walked past the group on the rock Carmilla looked each of them in the eye, staring them down. Laura kept her eyes on Carmilla and a firm grip on her hand, accompanied by soft strokes from her thumb.

They walked into school hand in hand; onlookers gawped and snickered. Laura’s locker was the first stop and as they reached the corridor Carmilla knew something was up. The sneers increased but then there were some sheepish looking people who were wearing almost pitiful looks. Carmilla, still holding Laura’s hand, quickened her pace and pushed through the crowd.

Her whole body tensed as they reached Laura’s locker. The door had been kicked off of its hinges and some of the locker’s contents scattered on the floor in front of it.

“Carm, hey, it’s okay. It’s happened before.” Laura said quietly, trying desperately to get through to a frozen Carmilla, who only seemed to tense more at the words. 

“How many times?” She asked, her voice low and dark.

“It’s like twice a year. It’s fine.” Laura tugged on a lapel of Carmilla’s jacket but she remained unmoving.

Carmilla looked down and saw Laura’s astronomy book and a thank you card from Isobel, her mentee. Her anger spiked and she dropped Laura’s hand, bending down to pick up all of the blonde’s things, ignoring Laura’s objections. She put them into her own backpack then walked over to the locker at the beginning of Laura’s row. 

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. There were seven more of those then Carmilla turned back to Laura, who looked a little startled. All of the anger faded from Carmilla’s face and she smiled.

“There. Now they all match." 

***

Carmilla pulled up in her Yugo just as Laura was getting out of her own. She leaned against the cemetery gate and before getting out, Carmilla flicked on her high beams, making a now annoyed Laura throw a hand over her eyes. 

The brunette smirked as she cut the engine and stepped out. “Just getting you back for that mirror stunt you pulled cutie.” She walked over to her girlfriend with a smirk on her face. 

“Well, hello to you too, sunshine…” Laura said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Hey, baby.” Carmilla said then leaned in to kiss Laura but the smaller girl ducked and then started to climb the gate. Carmilla raised her eyebrows and watched Laura ascend. “You know, cutie, I’ve got a pretty great view from down here…” 

Laura reached the top and looked back down. “Keep it in your pants, Karnstein.” Then she was gone down the other side of the gate. 

A few minutes later, Laura was assembling her telescope as Carmilla looked on. 

“What did you tell your dad?”

“The truth.” Laura replied. “I just left you out of it. Can you help me with this?”

Carmilla moved to hold the stand whilst Laura attached the telescope. When that was done Laura looked through it for a second, then looked to Carmilla.

“So what do you wanna see, babe?”

“Um…” Carmilla rocked back and forth on her feet. “Pluto.”

Laura raised an eyebrow. “Pluto only rises a few minutes before the sun. It’s not even midnight yet.” 

Carmilla pretended to be surprised at the news. “Rightttt.” She drawled out, grabbing her backpack. “Then I suppose it’s a good thing I brought this then.” 

She then proceeded to take out a thermos full of hot chocolate, another of hot coffee, two pairs of thermal socks and finally, a blanket. She smiled innocently as she lay it out on a patch of grass and sat down.

“You planned this.” Laura said, accusingly. 

“Oh, I hoped for it.” Carmilla was being smug.

“Are you trying to seduce me?”

“No. Why, are you seducible?” Carmilla tried but Laura smiled then shook her head ‘no’. “That’s what I thought. Ergo, a _second_ blanket. One for you, and one for me.” She took the other blanket out of the bag and spread it out next to her own.

Laura smiled, appreciatively. “Thank you.” She looked back into the telescope. 

Carmilla watched her. Then she grabbed a folded piece of paper out of her backpack and put it into her pocket, before standing up and walking over to Laura. She stood side-on to her and placed a hand on the small of her back, then kissed her shoulder.

“Tell me cupcake, what’s the best thing I can see tonight?” Carmilla asked and Laura pulled away from the telescope. 

“Me.” Laura answered, quickly, a cheeky smile on her face. Carmilla drew her closer and kissed her, letting Laura know she agreed. The blonde pulled away shyly and returned to the telescope. “The second best thing right now is probably Jupiter.”

Laura fixed the contraption up so it was pointing to the planet and stepped aside so Carmilla could see.

“You were right, it’s only second best to you.” Carmilla grabbed the flashlight that hung from the telescope stand and took the paper out of her pocket. She unfolded it on shone the light onto a diagram. “Hey, can you find this star for me?” She pointed out the right one to Laura.

“Sure.” She studied the diagram for a second then looked into the eyepiece and adjusted the scope. “So, why am I looking for this star?”

“Because I had it named for you.” Laura looked at her stunned so she waved a second, ribbon-tied roll of paper at her. “It’s official. The International Star Registry says so.” She grinned and unrolled the paper, then handed it to Laura.

The smaller girl stared at it with her mouth open slightly and watery eyes.

“Carm,” She managed to choke out. She reached for Carmilla’s hand. “This is wonderful.”

Laura stared at the paper a little longer before rolling it up and placing it on the blanket by her feet.

“C’mere.” She reached for Carmilla who was there instantly. Laura cupped her face and brought their foreheads together. “I love you.” She breathed out.

Carmilla pulled back, overcome with emotion. She drew Laura into her arms and kissed her, kissed her with everything she had. It became increasingly passionate and Carmilla’s breath quickened and her heart rate increased. She felt her cheeks flush as her tongue met Laura’s and they both moaned at the contact.

Then Carmilla could feel Laura starting to hesitate and she pulled away immediately, respecting her boundaries.

“Sorry. Sorry. I’m stopping.” Carmilla said but kept her face close to Laura’s. She then kissed her nose as their breathing went back to normal. When things were calmer, the brunette went to sit on her blanket. Laura, instead of sitting on her own blanket, moved to sit in between Carmilla’s legs, with her back pressed to Carmilla’s front.

Carmilla sighed into Laura’s hair then rested her chin on her shoulder. Laura then rubbed her cheek against Carmilla’s.

“Laura?”

“Hmm?”

“What’s number one?” Laura was silent for a moment but Carmilla waited patiently. 

“To marry in the church where my mother grew up. It’s where my parents married.”

Carmilla just smiled and kissed Laura’s cheek.

***

Early next morning Carmilla sat her bag from the cemetery down on the porch seat. Just as she was about to enter the house she spotted her mother sat at the table in the garden.

“Hey,” Carmilla took a sat opposite her.

“Did you just get in?!” Miss Karnstein questioned, seeing Carmilla’s weary state. The brunette nodded. “Were you with Laura?” She nodded again.

Carmilla’s mother eyed her, sternly. 

“Please don’t look at me like that, mother.” Carmilla rolled her eyes.

“Be. Careful. She’s the Reverend’s daughter.”

Carmilla exhaled, annoyed, and leaned forward with her elbows on the table. “It’s different with her, mom.” She explained, keeping her face serious.

“Oh, it’s different with her, is it?” Her mother asked, unconvinced. Carmilla just remained silent and sincere, and eventually her mother relented. “It better be.”

Carmilla just shook her head and smiled. She was getting lost in memories of the night before when her mother pulled a piece of paper from her pocket. Carmilla knew instantly what it was and felt her cheeks flush. 

“I was doing laundry the other day, and I found this.” Her mother unfolded the paper and began to read. “Examine a moon rock. Scuba dive. Go to college. Get into medical school.” Her mother’s voice was gentle but a little discouraging.

Carmilla looked up at her, becoming upset and somewhat angry.

“Honey, these are really great ambitions but…you’re going to have to work _really_ hard-”

“I can do that.” Carmilla cut her mother off, her voice wavered only a little. Her face was determined and it made her mother smile.

“I know you can.” The older woman agreed. 

“Laura has faith in me, you know? She makes we want to do better. _Be_ better.” Carmilla sat back in her seat and her mother went back to reading her book. She let the breeze caress her face and thought of Laura.


	9. Ruin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys..
> 
> Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who leaves Kudos and Comments, as a fic writer nothing makes my day more than your validation ;D
> 
> Secondly, just a little word about this chapter and the future of the story, particularly for people who haven't seen the film... This story depicts serious illness. This story gets sad and heavy in some scenes. It's an illness that hits close to home for me as I'm sure it does for many of you in some form. I promise to keep the sadness to a minimum but it is part of their story, but it's not why I chose to do this AU. I find love stories and journeys like this beautiful (I'm a sucker for them), and I wanted to apply it to Hollstein because I saw similarities between the characters and I thought that with a happier ending, it would be something people would enjoy reading and I'd enjoy writing. So I'm sorry in advance if this is triggering/upsetting for anyone and I promise I'm not ignorant to that. Try to keep in mind that there will be a different ending and it will have more happy moments than sad! Feel free to comment and chat if you need to, I always reply!

Laura and Carmilla walked out of the movie theatre hand in hand, but the brunette knew something was wrong. Laura had been quiet throughout the film when normally they wouldn’t have been able to keep their hands off of one another.

Laura was staring ahead blankly as they strolled down the street and Carmilla squeezed her hand to get her attention. 

“I still think you rigged it, cutie.” She nudged Laura’s shoulder, playfully.

“Hmm? Rigged what?” Laura asked but was still elsewhere.

“The raffle. I mean, I don’t believe for a second that it was just coincidence that I won the movie tickets. I think someone _wanted_ me to get them.”

When Laura just smiled and shook her head Carmilla felt a little disheartened. Then, as if to make things worse, Ell and Elsie walked out of a diner they’d been passing. They were laughing as they exited but their faces dropped when they saw the couple.

The two blondes stared at Laura and Carmilla until they passed. Carmilla sighed and just shrugged at Laura. “Citizen High to Citizen Low.” She joked, lightheartedly. Laura remained emotionless. Carmilla decided it was time to confront her.

She stopped walking and her hand pulled on Laura’s as she continued to walk. The tug made Laura look round and right into Carmilla’s eyes. Carmilla saw so much worry in Laura’s hazel ones and she felt bad for not having seen it earlier.

“What’s wrong? Are you worried about college applications?”

Laura plastered a fake smile onto her face and shook her head, but it wasn’t convincing. Then the smaller girl dropped Carmilla’s hand and walked into an alleyway. Carmilla was trying her best to stay calm but she could feel Laura pulling away. There was nothing she wouldn’t share with Laura but in that moment it felt as though that wasn’t mutual.

Laura stopped walking when they were in the alley and turned around to face Carmilla. Her arms were folded and she was shaking. The taller girl immediately removed her leather jacket and placed it over Laura’s shoulders.

Carmilla was about to step forward to hold Laura but the blonde placed a hand softly against her chest, silently asking her to keep her distance, so Carmilla acquiesced.

“I’m-I’m not applying for college.” Laura admitted, avoiding eye contact.

“I thought you said-“

“No- you assumed.” Laura’s reply was short and Carmilla didn’t miss the trace of annoyance in it.

“So, what then? You’re doing a year in the Peace Corps?”

“No,” Laura said softly, but exasperated.

Carmilla, a little bewildered, ran a hand through her hair. “Then, what are you gonna do?”

Laura was quiet for what felt like forever.

“Carm, I’m- I’m sick.” Water pooled at the bottom of Laura’s eyes and she pulled Carmilla’s jacket around her tighter.

Carmilla linked her pinkie with Laura’s and tried to pull her closer. “I’ll take you home then, you’ll be better tomorrow.” Carmilla made to walk forward but Laura shook her head.

“No. I’m _sick_.” Laura choked over the words and Carmilla’s head span. What was Laura talking about? Why was she so upset? She looked helplessly at her girlfriend, searching for answers.

“I have Leukaemia, Carmilla.” The tears in Laura’s eyes streamed down her face but Carmilla didn’t even see them. Because this was a joke. A sick joke that made the blood in her veins run white-hot.

Carmilla smiled and let out the smallest of laughs, shaking her head. “No, no. You’re eighteen, you’re perfect. You’re..” The end of the sentence was lost in space as the breath left Carmilla’s lungs and the numbness set in. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing, so verbally, she rejected it. Physically, she rejected it. But unfortunately, her eyes still worked and they could see the truth in Laura’s eyes, the look on her face.

“I found out last winter. I’m not responding to my treatment. There are other options but I’m- I’m running out of time.” Laura stopped to take a deep breath in. “Odds are against me.”

And that was the moment. The moment Carmilla Karnstein’s heart shattered into a million pieces. Her face crumpled with pain and anguish and heartbreak. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Her voice was laced with torment.

“I was trying to live my life as normal as possible. I didn’t want anyone being weird around me!” More tears fell.

Carmilla’s brow furrowed. “Including me?!” The anger was apparent in her voice.

“ _Especially_ you!” Laura retorted, becoming angry now. “You know, I was getting along with everything fine. I accepted that I might not survive, that the worst could happen…I _accepted_ it.” Laura let out a sob then looked away from Carmilla, as if it hurt. “And then _you_ happened.”

She shoved Carmilla weakly in frustration; it wasn’t even enough to move her. She collapsed into Carmilla for a second but then pushed away from her.

“ _You_ came along and now I _need_ to survive. Now I’m angry because I probably won’t. Because just having my past is no longer enough. I didn’t need a reason to be angry, but now I have one.” Then she turned and ran away from Carmilla who was still frozen in agony.

She wanted to follow Laura, but as she watched the girl leave her she fell to her knees and broke down crying.

***

She was in her Yugo, driving along the highway. Her grip was so tight on the steering wheel that her knuckles were white. It was late and the road was quiet so only the odd car passed by.

It was nearing three in the morning when Carmilla made it to the city outskirts. She drove through a suburban area made up of huge lawns and big mansions. A far cry from her small town. She slowed as she reached a stop sign and leaned forward to read the street name beside it. Her face was tear-streaked as she took a left turn.

She cut the engine outside one of the nicest houses on the row then got out and slammed the door of her Yugo. When she got to the door she rang the doorbell, waited all of two seconds for an answer, then rang again and again. When that didn’t work, she knocked and shouted.

“Dr Karnstein! Dad! Open the door! PLEASE!” Carmilla tried the doorbell a few more times then gave up, turning round and walking down the path.

She got halfway, then, “Carmilla?” She spun round and her father was stood in the doorway wearing a nightgown and rubbing his eyes. “Are you okay, what is it?”

Carmilla walked to him quickly. “My girlfriend, Laura. She-she’s sick, she has cancer and you have to come see her, right now.”

“Carmilla, it’s the middle of the night-“ Her father tried to diffuse the situation but that’s not what Carmilla wanted.

“I don’t give a fuck what time it is! _She’s_ running out of time!” Carmilla clenched both fists in her hair.

“Sweetheart, I’m a cardiologist, not an oncologist.” He spoke softly, apologetically.

“You’re a doctor, aren’t you?! Or are you gonna walk away from being another thing I need now, too?” Carmilla didn’t give him chance to answer, having heard enough. She just waved him off and went back to her car.

“I’ll look into it, Carmilla!” She heard him shout after her, but she needed to leave. She’d already been away from home for too long, and she had a long drive ahead of her.

Home being Laura.

She didn’t know how this was happening. This morning she’d woken up in love and happy. She’d had plans for the future, plans that included Laura. Plans that she had _because_ of Laura. Laura had given Carmilla a future – or at least a plan and a belief in one- and now Laura might not even be in it.

Carmilla didn’t put the stereo on once on her drive. There’d have been no point in it anyway. Her mind was filled with hazel eyes and a bright smile. Raffle tickets and star frames. She loved Laura so much and it felt like she was realising that for the first time again. 

And now she might lose her. Not in the way you lose someone in a crowd or after a breakup, but forever. Eternally. Laura may cease to exist and there wouldn’t be any getting her back. Carmilla couldn’t save her this time; there were no lockers to kick in or faces to punch. Well, there were, but none of that could fix this. Fix Laura.

*** 

Carmilla entered her kitchen just after dawn. Her eyes stinging from crying and a lack of sleep. Despite her exhaustion, the last thing she wanted was sleep. Sleep meant forgetting, so waking meant remembering. For Carmilla, there was nothing worse than waking happy from sleep, then your painful reality hitting moments later. However, now all of her past hurtful realities paled in comparison to this one.

She started to make a coffee then her mother walked into the kitchen, visibly relieved that she was home. Carmilla just looked at her, emotionless.

“Your father called me. I’m so sorry honey, I didn’t know.”

“Neither did I.”

***

Carmilla stood at the bottom of her garden, by the water. She’d gone to Laura’s earlier that day, after a coffee and a shower. She’d made it all the way onto the porch, paced outside for a few minutes then left. She had no idea what to say. What to do.

She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to figure it out.

“Hey, sis.” Mattie’s voice came from behind her, and then she moved to stand beside her. “Your mom called me."

Carmilla just nodded.

“Talk to me, Carmilla.”

“What about?”

“About you. About Laura.”

Carmilla glanced at Mattie, sadly, before turning back to the water. “What’s there to say, Mattie? She’s the best person I’ve ever known. And I’m going to lose her."

“You don’t know that.” Mattie tried.

Carmilla shook her head. “You didn’t see her last night. I’ve never seen her so hopeless, Mattie. She just, she had no fight, no faith.”

“Maybe she used all of it up on your sorry ass.”

Carmilla’s eyes widened at Mattie’s comment and she looked at her, head tilted. “Excuse me?”

“I said- maybe the little gidget used everything she had up on you. Maybe she’s too scared or angry to believe. Maybe it’s time for you to step up. Have some faith. Be what she can’t.” 

“What makes you her number one fan?” Carmilla bit out, her anger winning. “Guilt?”

Mattie looked down. “I didn’t understand. I saw it, the two of you. I watched it happen. I just didn’t understand. I’m so sorry, Carmilla.”

“It’s okay, Mattie.” Or it would be, eventually.

***

Carmilla was awoken two mornings later by her curtains being drawn and the light that flooded through them.

She squinted her eyes open to see her mother standing over her bed. “If you don’t want to leave the house that’s fine. But you have to get out of bed.” Carmilla sat up, slowly. “I’ll make you a coffee.”

Carmilla trudged into the kitchen and sat down, accepting the coffee her mother set in front of her. She took a sip and caught sight of herself in the glass of the microwave door. Her hair was unkempt and at its waviest. She had huge bags under her eyes and her face looked gaunt. It almost wasn’t her in the reflection.

“You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to, but I ask that you listen _very_ carefully to what I’m about to say, Carmilla.”

Her mother reached a hand across the table and placed it on Carmilla’s arm.

“Let me be clear. Do not make this about you. This is about her.” Her mother spoke sensitively.

Carmilla was about to retort angrily, but then what her mother had said registered with her. She kind of _was_ making it about her. She hadn’t spoken to Laura since that night. Because _she_ herself didn’t know what to say. Because _she_ was hurting and worried and angry. Meanwhile, her girlfriend was probably sat at home, with a now even bigger weight on her shoulders. Harbouring unnecessary pain that Carmilla was causing.

“I don’t know what to say to her, mom. What if I do the wrong thing? Act the wrong way? More than I already have?”

“I think you’re overthinking it honey. Be yourself. Then there can’t be a wrong thing. Laura will let you know what she needs.” Her mother rubbed her arm gently and smiled.

***

A little later Carmilla was on the Hollis front porch. She’d actually managed to ring the doorbell this time. There was no running away now.

The door opened and Mr Hollis stood there. “Carmilla.”

“Where’s Laura?”

“At school. Where you should be.” He said, not unkindly.

She nodded and turned to leave but he placed a hand on her shoulder. “Sit with me a moment.” He gestured to the porch swing.

Carmilla was anxious to get to Laura but she sat down, regardless.

“I’ve had my doubts about you.”

Carmilla laughed, humorlessly. “You don’t say.”

He ignored the comment. “Since Laura started spending time with you, she’s been angrier about everything- different. But she’s also been the happiest I’ve ever seen her." 

Carmilla smiled. That makes two of them, then.

“But in the last couple of days, she’s been distraught. Heartbroken. As I imagine you have been…”

“I don’t know what to do, Reverend. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anything. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t how to be. She told me and I hurt her.” Carmilla started choking up.

The Reverend seemed to consider Carmilla’s words for a second. 

“Be the Carmilla that my daughter fell in love with. If- if she is run- running out of time, don’t let her spend it being scared or angry. Let her spend it being in love with you. That’s all she wants. If she makes it through this or not, it’s you that she wants.”

***

Carmilla sprinted through the hallways of school, sliding to a stop at every classroom that she might find Laura in. Eventually the bell rang and the corridors began to fill up. Carmilla tried to remember what class was usually next but her mind had blanked and she wasn’t even sure if she knew what the correct day was.

She peered through and over the crowds of students to find Laura, who was nowhere to be found. She made her way to Laura’s locker, hoping to catch her there. As she turned into the hallway Laura appeared at the other end of it.

The blonde froze as her gaze met Carmilla’s. She stood holding her books and Carmilla studied the girl she hadn’t even realised she’d been missing for the past few days. She’d been so wrapped up in her own pain that in a way she’d forgotten just how much she loved being around Laura.

Laura stared back, pale-faced and eyes red. For the first time since knowing her, Carmilla thought Laura actually _looked_ sick. It made her heart break all over again but she promised herself that she would look past it. If she could just get her legs to do their job and walk over to Laura…

She’d almost mustered up the courage then Laura shook her head, her eyes watery. Her expression was etched with disappointment and heartache. She turned back the way she came and Carmilla ran after her, not willing to let her walk away again.

“Laura!” It didn’t take long for her to catch up to the blonde who span round as she heard Carmilla approaching. “I-I’m sorry.” Carmilla said, a little breathless. “I’m a coward.”

“’She’ll call, Dad. I know she’ll call.’ That’s what I told him. And you didn’t. You didn’t call. You _are_ a coward.” Laura said, the anger from the other night still hadn’t left her voice.

Carmilla felt the tears that threatened to fall and reached out to Laura, who just shrank away from her touch. “Laura- I’m- I’m not going anywhere-“

“I have to get to class, Carmilla. I don’t want a scene here. _Please_.” Her voice was softer then, and Laura looked as though she was about to say something else but decided against it. She brushed past Carmilla and walked to her locker.

***

Carmilla climbed out of her Yugo. She’d gone home after seeing Laura at school and worked on the upholstery to pass the time until school finished, so she could go over to the Hollis house to try again. 

She closed the door then a voice behind her made her jump. 

“I should have told you sooner.” Laura stood there, looking awkward.

Carmilla stared at her then moved closer, slowly. “I- I kept you out too late. Made you do too many things.” Her voice was already shaky.

“No. No. Doing that stuff probably keeps me healthy longer, _happy_ , longer. A certain treatment didn’t work for me, that’s all.”

Laura looked at her sadly and Carmilla looked down for a second. “Are you scared?”

“To death?” Laura said, in the worst attempt to lighten the mood anyone has ever tried. Carmilla’s lip trembled and Laura moved closer, resting a hand on Carmilla’s stomach. “It’s a joke, Carm, _laugh_.”

Carmilla’s jaw clenched and she breathed in deeply. “It’s not funny.” She said quietly, her voice laced with despair. A tear fell from her eye and Laura wiped it away with her thumb, leaving her hand on Carmilla’s cheek and stroking it. The two stared at each other and Laura, with her free hand, gripped the collar of Carmilla’s shirt.

Then the blonde’s brow furrowed as her face turned serious. She pulled Carmilla’s forehead to hers and exhaled slowly, as if the touch soothed her. Carmilla knew the feeling.

“I’m scared of not being with you.” Laura confessed, welling up.

Carmilla pulled away to look at her, her eyes filled with compassion and understanding. She cupped Laura’s face. “Baby, that will _never_ happen. You’re gonna get through this, you can fight it.” Laura nodded, leaning into her touch and letting the words sink in.


	10. Nerves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reissuing the standard thank you message out to all of you! <3
> 
> This is kind of a lil filler chapter I guess. Have a good weekend guys!

Carmilla drove Laura home a few hours later then walked into the living room, where her mother was sitting on the couch. She stood by it and picked at the material, nervously.

“Mom?”

“Hm?” Her mother looked up at her.

“Can you- er, do me a favour?”

“Sure honey, what is it?”

“Do we have any waltz music?”

***

A night later, Carmilla knocked on Laura’s bedroom door.

“Come in.”

“Hey, cutie.” The brunette said as she walked in, shutting the door behind her. It was only then that she realised she’d never been in Laura’s room before. It was exactly like she’d expected. Filled with books and stuffed teddies and science posters. It was just _Laura_.

The girl was sat on her bed against the wall, a book in her lap. She was wearing a baggy jumper and some sweats. Her hair was down in waves and she looked beautiful as ever. She patted the space beside her and Carmilla kicked her shoes off and placed her backpack on the floor.

She went to sit beside Laura and mimicked her position, putting an arm around her shoulders, prompting Laura to rest her on Carmilla’s shoulder.

“Good book?” Carmilla asked, and then kissed the top of the blonde’s head.

“It’s pretty good. I find you more interesting though.” Laura said, and closed the book to prove it, then tossed it aside. Carmilla took the opportunity to kiss Laura. Kisses were different now. They were cherished and passionate.

Laura placed a hand on Carmilla’s thigh as she leaned in deeper to the kiss. Carmilla tried to ignore it but just the placement of it was driving her crazy. Getting carried away with herself, she gently latched her teeth onto Laura’s bottom lip, which roused a moan from her. Laura’s hand moved ever so slightly higher on her thigh and Carmilla forgot herself for a moment and ran a hand just under the hem of Laura’s t-shirt, her fingers barely caressing the bare skin there.

Carmilla knew she’d pushed the mark as soon as she’d done it and pulled away immediately, preparing for a scolding. But Laura just took the hand from her thigh and smiled shyly, burying her face into the crook of Carmilla’s neck.

“Sorry.” Carmilla said as her breathing slowed, and rested her chin on top of Laura’s head. “I swear I don’t plan it and I definitely don’t mean to cross the line, I promise-”

“Hey,” Laura pulled back to look at Carmilla and rested a hand on her stomach. “I got carried away too. It’s just, you know I can’t yet, right? Because of my beliefs?” The blonde’s cheeks were flushed at what she was implying and Carmilla smiled at the innocence of it.

“Cupcake, it’s fine. I swear. It will always be fine with me.” Carmilla assured her. “But you have no idea what you do to me sometimes.” Her voice was still low from the heated moment and Carmilla could not believe how much being _in_ love changed things. Their moment was so tame compared to what she’d done with other girls. It wasn’t something she’d even have noticed before, with anyone else. But now, every single touch she felt. Her fingers were still tingling from touching Laura’s bare stomach and her thigh still burned where Laura’s hand had been.

The quietest sniffle pulled Carmilla from her thoughts and she looked at her girlfriend, who was looking down, her lip trembling slightly.

“Hey, what is it?” Carmilla asked softly, putting a finger under Laura’s chin so she was looking at her.

“I just keep thinking of all the things I might never be able to give you. Everything I might not get to do with you.”

“Laura you can’t think like that. The doctors will think of something, they’ll find something.”

Laura’s frown grew. “Carm, I- I have like a five per cent chance of making it through this year. I- I can’t even promise you a future-“ Laura’s voice shook as the tears threatened to fall.

“I’m not asking you to. If a five per cent chance is what we have then we’ll put everything into that. Okay? I mean, this time last year I bet there was a zero per cent chance of either us falling in love, now look at us.” That got a smile out of Laura and Carmilla started rubbing small circles on her lower back.

“Don’t give up, _please_.” Carmilla whispered, pleading.

Laura held out her pinkie after a moment of thought. “Promise.” The hint of a smile reached her face.

Carmilla rolled her eyes, not even able to recall the last time she made a pinkie promise. She hooked her own with Laura’s. “Promise.”

Carmilla wiped a tear from own cheek as she stood from the bed. “Okay, now we’ve talked that out, I can do what I actually came here to do.”

Laura looked up at her, puzzled. “What do you mean? I thought you just came to do me?” The blonde’s eyes widened as she realised what she’d said. Her cheeks turned a bright, beetroot colour. “ _See_ me. See. Me.” She swallowed hard and looked at the ceiling.

Carmilla just cleared her throat loudly, trying her absolute hardest not to laugh or make some sort of remark.

“Well, cutie. I did come here to _see_ you, yes, but I also had something else in mind. Do you have a CD player?”

Laura eyed Carmilla suspiciously then pointed behind her. Carmilla turned to look for it then picked it up. She then moved over to her backpack on the floor, took a CD out of it then loaded it into the player. 

She then walked over to the French doors in Laura’s room, which lead out onto a small balcony, and opened them. 

“It’s pretty chilly tonight, cupcake, I’d put a jacket on or something. I’ll meet you outside.” She winked at a bewildered Laura then walked through the doors, CD player in hand.

She set it down on a white, wooden chair on the balcony then rubbed her now sweaty palms on her jeans.

“What are you up to, Karnstein?” Laura stepped out wearing Carmilla’s leather jacket, which she’d given to her that night at the cinema. The brunette raised an eyebrow and Laura just smiled sweetly, putting her hands in the pockets.

“Nice jacket.” Carmilla smirked, stepping forward and resting her arms on Laura’s shoulders.

Laura tilted her head to the side and shrugged, cockily. “Thanks. It’s my girlfriend’s actually.”

Carmilla nodded, playing along. “She sounds kinda hot…”

“Oh yeah, she is. And she’s also a teeny bit full of herself.” Carmilla’s smug look turned into a pout and Laura laughed. “She also likes to make me stand out on balconies for no apparent reason…"

“Ah but there _is_ a reason, cupcake.” She bopped Laura on the nose then turned to press play on the player. She then turned back, placing her left hand behind her back and standing up straight. Then her right hand, she offered out to Laura with a small bow.

“My lady?”

Laura burst out laughing and Carmilla tried to not to be insulted. But- _rude_.

Seeing the slightly crestfallen look on her girlfriend’s face, Laura explained, “I’m sorry! I don’t mean to laugh but, who are you and what have you done with Carmilla?"

Carmilla’s expression turned blank and she lost all her previous composure. “If you must know, Laura, I was trying to ask you to waltz. Now I just like to call it ‘humiliating myself’.”

“ _Wait_. Carmilla Karnstein, who I had to practically _drag_ to the dance floor on our first date, is asking me to waltz?”                  

“’Was’ being the correct word.” Carmilla mumbled, grumpily.

“So, what, you were going to fake it, or?” Laura continued her interrogation, fully aware that she was pushing Carmilla’s buttons.

Carmilla shuffled from foot to foot self-consciously, and said something that was purposefully incoherent. When Laura turned her head so that her ear was faced toward Carmilla, she knew there was no dropping this.

“I got my mom to give me lessons, okay!” Carmilla blurted out and Laura just grinned, not seeming the slightest but surprised. “Oh my god. You _knew_!”

Laura was belly laughing now and Carmilla was livid. Okay, more like embarrassed but livid wouldn’t hurt her reputation as much. 

“Your mom called me earlier to invite me round for dinner tomorrow. She also may have advised me to wear toe-protecting shoes tonight and the truth just kind of unravelled from there.”

Carmilla didn’t even know how to respond to that. Her mother had sold her out to her girlfriend. Sold her down the river. They were teaming up already.

“Don’t look so angry, Carm. Come on.” Laura restarted the music then tried to grab Carmilla’s arms to initiate some movement but Carmilla just looked at her, unamused. “Oh. You don’t want to? And here’s me thinking that my girlfriend is hot _and_ able to waltz…suppose you can’t have everything…” Laura drawled out as she moved to go back inside.

Carmilla followed behind her and wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist, pulling her close. She rested her chin on Laura’s shoulder and whispered in her ear, “You can have anything you want, cutie.”

Then she span Laura back out onto the balcony. They stumbled about, laughing and sharing the odd kiss.

Carmilla attempted to get Laura to take it seriously for at least an hour, but failed miserably.

***

“Do I look okay?” Laura was messing with her hair constantly as Carmilla drove them both over to her house for dinner. Carmilla glanced over and raised her eyebrows.

“Are you _nervous_?”

“Are you seriously not going to answer my question?” Her girlfriend was becoming more and more flustered.

“Sorry cutie, but you and my mother were partners in crime the last time I checked. Why the nerves?”

When there was no answer from Laura, Carmilla looked over to see the blonde just staring out of the window and frowning. Carmilla found somewhere to pull over and cut the engine.

“Baby,” Carmilla scooted in her seat so she was facing Laura. She reached over and placed her hand on the back of Laura’s head and stroked her hair. The other girl seemed to relax at the touch. “Talk to me.”

“It’s your _mom_ , Carm. Like, I’m about to meet my girlfriend’s mom. What if she doesn’t like me?” Laura worried her lip between her teeth and Carmilla thought it might be the most adorable thing she’d seen. The blonde was clearly embarrassed by her own insecurity though, as she refused to meet Carmilla’s gaze.

“Will you look at me, please?” Laura turned to look at her girlfriend, her blush fading a little. “Firstly, my mother isn’t _half_ as scary as I am. And second, you look _more_ than okay. You look beautiful. Every mother in laws dream. Ravishing. Stun-“ 

“Okay Casanova, I get it, I get it.” Laura rolled her eyes at Carmilla’s exaggeration, but leaned over and kissed her in appreciation.

Carmilla smiled and then started the car again. When they arrived in her driveway she gave Laura’s thigh a reassuring squeeze and they walked over to the house.

Miss Karnstein opened the door before the two reached it with a huge smile on her face. Carmilla rolled her eyes because her mother had been far too excited for this. She’d probably end up scaring the blonde away with her enthusiasm.

“Hi girls,”

“Hey, mom.” Carmilla placed a hand on the small of Laura’s back in case she was thinking of bolting.

Her mother held her arms out, “Laura, it’s good to finally meet you, honey.” Laura accepted the hug and Carmilla just observed, awkwardly.

“You too Miss Karnstein, thanks for having me over.” Laura said, pulling back and allowing the woman to steer her inside.

“Not at all, come on in! The baby photos are already all laid out.”

Carmilla’s eyes widened as she waited for her mother to declare that she only joking. It never came.

***

Dinner had gone great, as Carmilla knew it would. Her mother and Laura had gotten on like a house on fire – another thing Carmilla was right about. Not that she was keeping track or anything...

She led the way into her bedroom as Laura trailed behind, looking at the picture frames that hung in the hallway as she passed (as if she hadn’t already seen enough). Carmilla flopped down on her bed, lying on her stomach and beginning to feel the effects from her mother’s dinner.

The last thing she was expecting was her girlfriend to lie down on top of her. She groaned as the weight pushed down on her very full stomach. It was like Laura was hugging her from behind, but they were doing it lay down and at any other time that would have been cute as hell. 

“Did someone eat too much?” Laura spoke into Carmilla’s ear, who just nodded with her face buried in a pillow. Another groan.

“I will throw up and I will do it on you, Laura Hollis.” Laura giggled and Carmilla felt her roll off of her back to lie next to her. The brunette lifted her head up and moved it slightly so she was facing Laura. Although she still wasn’t willing to open her eyes.

She sighed when the smaller girl started rubbing circles across her back.

“Better?”

“I will be if you keep that up, cutie. I may even fall asleep.” Carmilla joked.

“I’m pretty tired too, actually. A nap sounds good.” It was only then that Carmilla noticed the exhaustion in her girlfriend’s voice. She opened her eyes to see that Laura had become slightly paler since dinner. She propped herself up on her elbows.

“You feeling okay, baby?” She felt Laura’s cheek with her hand, then her forehead. She didn’t seem too hot or cold, but still.

“I’m fine, Carm. I just get tired easier these days, is all.” Carmilla’s chest tightened with dread and she was still unconvinced. Laura must have seen it in her face because she took hold of the hand Carmilla had on her head and kissed it. “Carm, I promise I’d tell you if something felt wrong.”

Carmilla was still tense but she nodded, trusting her girlfriend. “Do you want me to take you home-?”

“-No, please. I’d just nap there and I’d rather do it with you next to me.” Carmilla felt a tug in her stomach, because _ditto_.

She moved to mirror Laura’s position, so now they were both lay on their sides facing one another. Carmilla hooked an arm under Laura’s and pulled her closer. They looked into each other’s eyes, their faces only inches apart.

“I might kiss you.” Carmilla whispered, the corner of her mouth turned up slightly into a smirk.

Laura, clearly appreciating the reference to one of their moments, returned the small smile. “You better.”


	11. Valentine's

Carmilla dragged herself out of bed and got herself ready to go over to Laura’s. She sighed as she looked at the newest addition to her dresser. It was a framed Polaroid of the two of them that Laura had given her a few days ago. Mr Hollis had taken it – they were sat on the porch swing at Laura’s, looking at each other and not the camera. It was adorable.

It was also an apology of sorts from Laura. Just after that photo she’d become tired, and snapped at Carmilla. So the memory of it was bittersweet, because for the brunette, as things stood, it served as a reminder of when pretending everything was okay was easy.

For a while, it was easy to pretend. It was easy to remain positive. The two were almost just like any other teenage couple. But Laura _was_ sick. And naturally, the longer she went without treatment, the more ill she became.

There were good days and bad days. At first, bad days were few and far between, and every moment Laura and Carmilla spent together was blissful. Then the time came when for every good day they had, a bad one closely followed.

On the bad days, Laura wasn’t Laura. She was irritable, angry and paranoid. The bouts of paranoia were the worst, Carmilla felt. She knew it was because of the pain. She knew it wasn’t really Laura. But lately, when she was at her worst, the blonde was convinced that Carmilla didn’t really want to be with her, that she just felt sorry for her. So Carmilla would argue back, desperate to convince her otherwise. Laura always came to her senses eventually, when the pain weakened, but it always tore the both of them apart, and Carmilla saw it as potentially wasted time.

Today was Valentine’s Day and although they hadn’t actually discussed it at all, Carmilla had made sure to plan something. They spent everyday together anyway, but Carmilla wanted this to be special – romantic. She just prayed that today would be a good day for Laura and that it would be one of those days where she felt like she could run a marathon.

She drove over to the Hollis residence and cut the engine, taking a deep breath as she looked over to the house. She thanked God that the sun was shining, as cold but sunny weather was Laura’s favourite type, as well as her own. Carmilla saw it as an advantage, hoping it would encourage her girlfriend to get out of bed.

“Here goes nothing.”

***

Carmilla entered Laura’s room to find the girl stood there in just shorts and a sports bra, drying her hair. Carmilla felt her cheeks redden immediately and averted her eyes to the floor.

“Oh. Hey.” Laura turned the hair dryer off and smirked, clearly noticing Carmilla’s awkwardness and enjoying it. She then walked over to the brunette and threw her arms around her neck. When Carmilla’s arms remained frozen by her side Laura pouted. “I don’t get a hug from my girlfriend?”

Carmilla tried to ignore the tug in her stomach as she breathed Laura in. There were still drops of water running down her chest and she found herself licking her lips.

Her heart also swelled at Laura’s playfulness, and her hopes of a good day seemed a lot more promising now. She brought her hands up to rest on Laura’s bare waist, wanting to keep the good vibes going, amongst other reasons…

“Hi, beautiful,” She said before leaning down to kiss her girlfriend. She pulled back after a moment and Laura continued to stroke the nape of her neck. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but, you need to get dressed. We’re going out, if you feel up to it?” Carmilla swallowed, a bit nervous for Laura’s answer.

“I really do, this is the best I’ve felt all week and I want to make the most of it, with you.” Laura smiled.

Carmilla grinned back. “Good. Now go get ready, we’re on a tight schedule today.” She said then slapped Laura’s butt playfully, to the blonde’s amusement/horror.

***

They got into the Yugo half an hour later and Carmilla reached into the back of the car. She picked up a love-heart shaped box off the backseat then placed it onto Laura’s lap. She stared down at it confused, then looked at the small, black tag attached to the box.

Inside it, Carmilla had drawn a small diagram in silver pen. She’d sketched out Jupiter and a couple of other planets and constellations, and also the star that she’d named after Laura. Then just underneath she’d written:

_You’re out of this world. Happy Valentine’s Day._

She knew it was corny and unoriginal, but she didn’t want to start the day off too heavy and she thought a member of Star Club would appreciate a space pun. But apparently not, as Laura look up at her, mortified.

“Carm- It’s Valentine’s Day? I didn’t even think about it.” Laura fretted, apologetic.

Carmilla just leaned over and opened the box, inside were planet-shaped chocolates. She took Mars and popped it into her mouth, then winked at Laura. 

“There. You gave me something. Now, buckle up Creampuff.” She grinned and started the engine.

Carmilla drove for about a minute then she heard Laura giggling to herself. Carmilla smiled at the sound and took a glance at Laura. “What are you laughing at?”

“Carmilla Karnstein made a _space_ _pun_!” Carmilla’s face fell as Laura leaned forward in hysterics. “I’ve never loved you more.” Laura said as the laughs subsided, and placed a hand on Carmilla’s thigh, tears streaming down her face. The happy kind.

***

“Why are we here?” 

“You like to read, don’t you babe?” Carmilla stated as she tugged on an unmoving Laura’s hand.

“Well, yeah but- since when do _you_?”

“Since er, since I met you I suppose…” Carmilla admitted, reluctantly.

Laura just looked at her, still not understanding. Carmilla rolled her eyes.

“Look. It was around the time just before the play. You weren’t talking to me. I wasn’t really interested in talking to my friends. I had a lot of downtime. So I used to come here and read, and it turns out I actually kind of love it… Can we go in now so I can start our date?”

Laura seemed to accept the explanation and beckoned toward the bookstore. “After you, mi ‘lady.”

Carmilla shot her a sarcastic ‘thank you’ and walked in. That old bookstore smell filled her nostrils and she smiled. The store had quickly become one of her favourite places, and she was excited to share it with Laura.

“Carm, I love it already.”

Imagine the complexity of a hall of mirrors. Well, the bookstore was just the same, except made out of books. From where they stood, you really couldn’t make out the small passage to the right of the room. Due to the walls being filled with books from ceiling to floor, it appeared that they were in just one room of books.

  
Carmilla had been fooled the first time she’d visited the store and had almost left immediately; when a tall ginger girl had poked her head round through the passage and asked her if she needed anything. That’s when she’d discovered the rest of the store.

“You haven’t seen anything yet, cupcake.” She grabbed Laura’s hand and walked over to the passage, laughing at Laura’s surprised face. The blonde looked at the shelves and shelves of books as Carmilla pulled them along. The deeper into the store they got the more passages that became apparent, leading into unknown places. Carmilla knew exactly where she wanted to go though.

“Danny?” Carmilla shouted and Laura jumped a little, but continued to follow her girlfriend through the labyrinth of books.

“Carmilla? That you?” Her voice called out from just ahead of them. “I’m in the nook, just finishing up for you.”

So Carmilla took a left, then a right and then came to a stop in what was a small alcove. Three of the walls were covered in books. The fourth was covered in, well, a lot of _stuff_ really. Stuck to it was anything from polaroids of various customers, to pieces of paper, to random cut-outs from newspapers and magazines.

Against that wall, was a small bed covered in thin blankets and pillows. Next to the bed was a ladder that disappeared up onto another level that was out of sight. Carmilla was about to look at a very silent Laura then two very long longs began to descend the ladder. Danny turned to the two of them as she stepped off and Carmilla had to hold back a laugh as the tall redhead had to remain slightly stooped to avoid hitting her head on the ceiling.

“Elvira.” Danny nodded toward Carmilla.

“Xena.” Carmilla shot back, quickly.

Danny looked to Laura who was watching the exchange between the two of them carefully. She held out a hand to Laura. “You must be the girl Carmilla was whining about when she first started coming in here.”

“Oh, must I be?” Laura said, returning Danny’s handshake then looking at Carmilla, smugly, who was too busy giving Danny a death glare to notice.

Danny, seeing the look on Carmilla’s face, reached into her back pocket and handed Carmilla some spare keys. “Okay so, everything’s ready for you and you know the drill for locking up.”

Carmilla took the keys. “Thanks Danny, for everything.” Danny waved her off.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll put the closed sign up when I leave. Now, I’ve got my own date to get ready for, so Happy Valentine’s you two. Nice to meet you, Laura.” Then Danny left after a ‘you too’ from Laura.

Carmilla turned to her girlfriend. “Firstly, you’re not claustrophobic are you? Cos this probably won’t work if you are.”

Laura laughed. “Thank you for the consideration, but no, I’m not. This is cosy, not cramped.”

Carmilla smiled and leaned in to give Laura a quick kiss. She couldn’t help herself. She pulled away and gestured to the bed. “Have a seat.”

So Laura did and Carmilla walked over to a certain shelf and ran her finger along the spines of the books. She found the one she was looking for, and then the other.

She sat on the bed next to Laura and handed her a book, which was clearly very used. There were many different coloured scraps of paper and post-its sticking out from it and after Laura had examined the cover she flipped through the pages, before looking back to the cover.

“’Notebooks 1935-1951 by Albert Camus.’” Laura read aloud. “Camus. He’s a French author right?”

Carmilla nodded. “And philosopher, yeah. I read that book the first time I came here. I was here for hours, just flipping through, making notes. Notes for you.”

Laura looked up, realisation hitting her. She smiled wide at Carmilla.

“Right, well I best get started.” Then the blonde kicked off her shoes and propped a pillow behind her back against the wall. Carmilla took her copy of _Dracula_ and then lay her head down in Laura’s lap.

Laura took Carmilla’s free hand and interlocked their fingers, and then placed their hands on Carmilla’s stomach. Carmilla opened her book and started to read, when she could see that Laura hadn’t done the same, she looked at her.

“You’re staring. Why?”

“Because I’m so in love with you.”

Carmilla sat up a little and turned her upper body to the side, so that her face was inches from Laura’s. She brushed her lips against the blonde’s. Laura kissed her back and everything else seemed to fall away. They kissed slowly and softly, their tongues touching and tasting, until Carmilla had to pull away. Laura was too close and smelled too good and looked too great.

If there was ever a day to get you in the mood it was Valentine’s Day, whether you’re a romantic at heart or not.

“That was probably a good idea.” Laura said, her eyes still closed.

“Yeah…” Carmilla let out a breathy laugh and lay her head back in Laura’s lap.

The two of them read silently for a good while. Laura would sometimes read out some of the quotes and their notes, talking with Carmilla about them.

“’ _I would like to be able to breathe- to be able to love her by memory or fidelity. But my heart aches. I love you continuously, intensely._ ’ Carm, you’ve highlighted this but you’ve not commented on it?”

“Hmm, I thought it would be obvious but I guess it’s not because you don’t even know when I highlighted it.” Carmilla answered, continuing to rest her eyes, her book lay open on her chest. “It was after I kissed you at the show and you refused to talk to me. I wanted to leave you alone but- loving you with only the memory of you wasn’t enough for me, Laura. It was suffocating. That quote just put it into words.”

Carmilla opened her eyes and Laura was smiling down at her. “My girlfriend, the philosopher.”

Following that, there were a few occasions where Laura would sniffle and Carmilla would watch her wipe away a tear, then the blonde would lean down and capture Carmilla’s lips with her own.

Carmilla looked at her watch after a couple of hours later. “You doing okay there, cupcake?”

“I’m good, pretty hungry though.” And her stomach gave a concurrent rumble. 

“Well then, it’s time for part deux.” Carmilla jumped up and stood at the foot of the ladders. “Give me two seconds, I’ll call you when it’s ready.” Carmilla knew she was a little too excited for the next activity but she knew Laura would love it and she couldn’t deny that she was a little chuffed with herself for thinking of it.

“Okay baby, you can come up.” She told Laura from the top of the ladder, who started climbing and let Carmilla pull her through the hatch at the top. Laura’s foot must have caught on the top rung of the ladder and she ploughed into Carmilla, causing the brunette to land on her back and Laura to follow on top of her, straddling her.

The two laughed and then Carmilla watched Laura’s face light up when she saw the upper level of the alcove. There were no books up here; the walls were just plain and a magnolia colour, but it was a similar size – small. Then the best addition to this room: a skylight. It was just a simple, rectangular one. Nothing fancy but it gave an amazing view of the stars at night.

Carmilla had come last night and covered the floor with duvets and blankets and pillows. Danny had looked after a cooler filled with food for her, then moved it into the room before they’d arrived. Around the perimeter of the room, where the ceiling met the walls, Carmilla had put up fairy lights all around.

At the back of the room there was a projector shining a plain blue screen onto the opposite far wall, it was like the ones they used at school. 

“Okay so we have food, a movie, and a little champagne. All under the stars. Sound good?” Carmilla croaked out, her organs still being crushed by Laura. 

Laura leaned down and rested her arms by the sides of Carmilla’s head and nestled her face into the crook of her neck.

“I mean you had me at food, but…” Laura’s voice trailed off and she started to place open-mouthed kisses on Carmilla’s neck. As if that wasn’t enough to kill Carmilla off, soft warm hands made their way under her t-shirt and Laura’s fingertips caressed her stomach. The feeling of skin on skin made the brunette’s eyes close and she inhaled sharply, her head hitting the floorboards with a thud.

Then the kisses on her neck stopped and Laura rested her forehead on Carmilla’s, her hands moved to cup Carmilla’s face, stroking her cheeks to calm her down.

“You sure know how to get a girl worked up, cupcake.” Carmilla murmured.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not fair but I just- I’ve never had this before. I want to wait, but I also want you _so_ badly, and I keep thinking what if we never get a chance to-“

Carmilla pushed herself up so that Laura was still straddling her waist but they were both sitting upright now.

“Don’t. ‘If you can’t imagine a future, you wont have one.’ That’s what you told me after rehearsal that time, remember? Everything you want with me, keep on picturing it. Keep on wanting it.”

Laura was about to say something but her stomach growled again and Carmilla just gave her a peck on the lips and dragged her to sit by the cooler.

After they’d eaten an array of delicious food, Carmilla moved to setup the film.

“What is it?” Laura asked.

“’A New Hope’. That okay, cupcake?” Carmilla asked as she started it and moved to lie by Laura.

“It’s perfect, _you’re_ perfect.” She then pulled the blanket over the both of them and placed her head on Carmilla’s chest and stroked her stomach, as the brunette ran fingers through her hair.

Next thing, Carmilla was waking up to the sound of the credits. She had no idea what time it was but she didn’t care. She’d had a perfect day with Laura and if it didn’t have to end then she was fine with that.

Laura was no longer snuggled up to her so she opened her eyes. The blonde was still sat close but her arms were folded, she looked weary now and was looking up through the skylight, pensively.

Carmilla hadn’t said a word to her yet, but she knew that it wasn’t the same Laura anymore. The one she’d spent an amazing Valentine’s Day with was gone. The closed-off, depressed had replaced her.

Carmilla sat up hesitantly and kissed Laura’s shoulder. Laura didn’t give any sign of having noticed that she was awake.

“What are you thinking, baby?” Carmilla spoke softly, cautiously.

“I’m thinking I want you to take me home, please.”

Carmilla tried to hide her disappointment because she understood. However hard this was on her – it was a million times harder for Laura.

“Of course.” She said softly, with a smile. She stood up and held a hand out for Laura, who took it and stood. She paused for a second and looked into Carmilla’s eyes. She remained silent but in her look was an apology and Carmilla’s chest tightened.

So the brunette leaned down and kissed the corner of Laura’s mouth and then helped her down the ladders.

The drive home was quiet; Carmilla could almost hear her girlfriend thinking from the passenger seat.

She didn’t try to speak to her – she didn’t want to start an argument or conversation that might ruin the memory of the day – for either of them.

Carmilla walked Laura up to her porch and puller her into a long hug. She stroked her hair and kissed her head and did anything she could to soothe her.

“I hate leaving you on the porch.” Laura said, her voice was weak and sad.

Carmilla looked around her, “It’s not that bad of a porch, cutie. I’ve been left on worse.”

Laura tried a laugh, half-heartedly. “You know what I mean. I hate falling asleep without you.”

“Me too. But Papa Hollis would _literally_ shoot me if he found me in your bed.”

Laura nodded in agreement. “Today was- I don’t even have words, Carm. Thank you. I wish I could-“

“It’s okay. Today was perfect for me, too.” Carmilla kissed Laura, then the porch light flicked on and off and she took it as her cue to leave. Mr Hollis had waited up. “Time to go, baby. I’ll call you tomorrow?”

Laura was scowling at the porch light and it made Carmilla laugh. Then the blonde turned to her, “Tomorrow. I love you.”

“I love you too.” She gave the blonde’s hand one last squeeze then walked back to her car.

She waited for Laura to go in then drove off. When she got around the corner she stopped the engine.

Thirty minutes later she was climbing through the bushes that surrounded the backyard of Laura’s house. All of the lights were off now, which was a good sign. She looked up to the balcony of Laura’s bedroom and noticed that one of the French doors were slightly ajar. The stars had aligned for her tonight, it seemed.

Or that’s what she thought. Scaling the trellis fencing up the side of the house had proved harder than anticipated. She landed back on the ground with a thud when a deep voice made her jump out of her skin.

“You could just use the front door if you like, Miss Karnstein.” Mr Hollis was leaning around the porch railing from the front of the house.

Carmilla shot up and began wiping herself down. “Sir, I was just, erm. I forgot to-“ Carmilla stumbled over her words.

“I don’t like rule-breakers or liars, Carmilla.” The man said, seriously. “But more than that, I don’t like hearing my daughter cry herself to sleep every night. Lately, you seem to be her only remedy. So, if you’d like to stay with her, I’ll allow it. Now, please stop attacking my house.”

After a few more awkward exchanges and warnings from the Reverend, she opened the door to Laura’s bedroom. She was in bed with her back to Carmilla.

“Daddy, I’m fine, honestly, go to bed.” Laura said, but her voice was shaking and thick with sorrow- she’d definitely been crying.

Carmilla snuck in and shut the door. She’d taken her shoes and jacket off downstairs so she walked over to the bed, lifted the covers and climbed in. Laura had turned around by this point, a confused look on her face. “Dad-“

“Shh baby, it’s me.” Carmilla breathed into her ear, as she pressed her front to Laura’s back, spooning her protectively. She wrapped strong arms around Laura’s stomach and kissed the back of her neck. “Your Dad let me stay. Now get some sleep.”

Laura didn’t say anything, but her breathing was unsteady and Carmilla knew that she was still crying. She held Laura tighter and took one of the blonde’s hands in her own and waited for her to fall asleep.


	12. Proposals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait! Apparently I get migraines now so...
> 
> I also am not happy with this chapter, no matter how much I played about with it just didn't work out, so sorry in advance!
> 
> Thanks for the Kudos + Comments <3

“I’m going to a party tomorrow night.” Laura stroked Carmilla’s hair as they lay in bed.

Carmilla was especially exhausted that day; she’d been to school early that morning to pick up assignments and worksheets from Principal Kelly; anytime she didn’t spend with Laura she spent studying, and everything was starting to take its toll.

So when Laura had arrived at her house earlier that afternoon, Carmilla had nestled herself into her arms and hadn’t moved since.

“A party, huh?” Carmilla drawled out, too comfortable for conversation.

“Yeah, the Star Club is having one in honour of the passing over of Hyakutake, the comet.”

“Yeah, you told me about that. No one knows when it’ll come back, right?” Carmilla asked, paying more attention now.

“Right. I’ve never been to a party before.” Laura’s voice was small, self-conscious.

“Well the ones I’ve been to have been booze-fuelled and full of idiot jocks so, I think your party sounds like a winner already. You’ll have fun. Just don’t be calling me up when you’ve had one too many…” Carmilla joked, but Laura didn’t laugh so the brunette looked up at her.

“I-I think I might have a drink. It’s number 68 on my list.” Laura was biting her lip.

Carmilla sat up and crossed her legs so that she sat facing Laura. “Were you nervous to tell me that?”

“A little. I mean- is that a pathetic thing to have on my list?”

“No. If it’s something you wanna do then it should be on there.” Carmilla took Laura’s hand in her own.

“I just wanna feel like a normal teenager, at a semi-normal high school party.”

“Then you will. How about having your super-hot, badass and indifferent girlfriend pick you up after, huh?” Carmilla grinned her most charming smile.

“Hmm, now where would I myself one of those?” Laura quipped, tapping her chin. Carmilla pouted and made to stand up but Laura pulled her back by her belt loops. “Just kidding, babe.”

Carmilla gave her a ‘you better be’ look and lay back down in her arms.

***

On the day of the party, Carmilla stayed with Laura all day and helped her get ready for it. Laura had bought a black, long sleeve bodycon dress to wear, and in all honesty Carmilla had underestimated just how good it would look.

Laura walked back into the bedroom after changing and Carmilla just kind of sat and stared.

“How do I look?” Laura asked, tugging down on the sides of the dress.

Carmilla just swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. She managed a nod, but that was all. Laura giggled and blushed a little, then walked over to sit on Carmilla’s lap, her dress rode up her thighs and Carmilla placed a hand on one of them, rubbing softly.

“So, what are you doing with your night off?” Laura questioned and she was so close that Carmilla could feel the warmth of her breath.

She cleared her throat loudly, not trusting that it would work. “I’ve got a project to work on…”

“Are you sure you don’t mind picking me up later?”

“Of course not, cupcake.” Carmilla looked at her watch. “Right, let’s get going, party girl.” Her voice was still slightly shaky and she figured it would be best if she were no longer in a room alone with Laura.

***

Carmilla parked outside of LaFontaine’s house just after one o’clock. It seemed quiet from the front but she could hear a faint thumping of music when she got out of the car and stood against it. The music must be in the back garden or the basement, Carmilla thought.

As she waited for Laura to come out she wondered whether her girlfriend would have been brave enough to have that drink or not. She tried, but she couldn’t imagine Laura buzzed, let alone wasted. Not that Laura would be wasted; Carmilla didn’t think that was Laura’s intention when she said she wanted to have a drink.

Footsteps along the sidewalk interrupted her thoughts. She looked to her right and saw Ell walking along, slightly unsteady in her footing, but Carmilla had definitely seen her in worse states. Thankfully, Ell’s house was only a few doors down from LaFontaine’s.

Ell smiled sadly when she saw it was Carmilla. She stopped a few steps away from the brunette, looking from her to the house. Putting the pieces together of why Carmilla would be here, she seemed to become even more uncomfortable.

“Hey…” The blonde mumbled hesitantly.

“Hi, Ell.” Carmilla said, her voice neutral. There was a long, painful pause between them.

“I’m so sorry about the fliers.” Ell said, eventually.

Carmilla looked at her feet, she wasn’t angry about the fliers anymore, she had more important things to think about. “It doesn’t matter.” She said, because it didn’t.

“Yeah...” Ell said in agreement. Carmilla expected her to leave, but apparently she hadn’t finished. “I guess- I guess you’re with who you should be.”

Carmilla looked up at her, a little confused, and too tired to ask.

“Laura. It’s like she chose you.” Ell said, offering a genuine but downhearted smile.

Carmilla thought about it and couldn’t help but smile her self. “Yeah…” She admitted. “And I have no idea why.”

“I do.” Ell’s smile was weaker now, fading. Then she seemed to steel herself and leaned forward to place a quick kiss on Carmilla’s cheek, then hurried off. Carmilla watched her go for a moment then looked back to the house.

A very hazy-eyed looking Laura stood in the pathway, clearly having seen the exchange. She’d stopped midway down the path and was rubbing her arms. Carmilla pushed herself off the car to go to her but Laura had already turned around and was storming back into the house.

Well, shit. Carmilla thought, running a hand through her hair. The conversation with Ell had been completely innocent and Laura had actually been the main topic, but she knew that to her potentially drunken girlfriend it could have seemed like the opposite.

So she walked quickly up the path and followed Laura into the house. She walked through the door into a hallway. There were a couple of groups congregated there, including some sat on the stairs, and they all looked at Carmilla as though a giraffe had just walked through the door.

Carmilla perused the faces of her audience, but no Laura. She looked at the most intimidated looking person there, a short blonde boy, and narrowed her eyes. She didn’t need to say a word before his eyes widened and he pointed up the stairs.

She gave him a curt nod and ran up the stairs, through the parted sea of teenagers who’d made way for her. When she reached the top she barged into the first room she came to. A startled LaFontaine and Lola Perry who were sat on the bed, pulled away from each other and Carmilla just backed out slowly and shut the door.

She walked along the hallway to the next room and opened the door, a little more cautiously this time, although she wasn’t sure what could top her unwanted discovery of the two gingers at this point.

The room was dark and seemingly unoccupied, but Carmilla knew better than to be convinced.

“Okay, anybody with their butt on show better put it away before I find the light switch.” The brunette warned as she felt along the wall. Eventually she found the switch, but it was one of those dials that let you choose the intensity of the light, so she turned it so just a warm glow lit the room.

She almost jumped when she saw a dark silhouette sat at the window, then realised it was that of her girlfriend’s. She stepped in and closed the door gently.

As she walked into the middle of the room, a tearful Laura looked away from the window, where she sat with her knees pulled to her chest, and turned to face Carmilla who offered her a small smile.

“I’m glad you’re not a butt.” Carmilla joked, wondering she’d become so smooth.

Laura laughed at that. “Oh, but I am.” She said bitterly, and then turned her head away.

Carmilla walked over to the windowsill and sat opposite Laura with her legs crossed. She stayed quiet and waited for Laura to talk.

“I’ve never been jealous before. And _I know,_ before you tell me I’m stupid, I know. I know that it was nothing- I know I can trust you, Carm. And if- if I don’t- you know- I do want you to move on. Of course I do. I just- the image of it was right in front of me and it just- it just made me _nauseous_. And I hate that there’s that selfish part of me, that wants it to be _me_ who has you forever- but then how can I not when you’re you-it’s just not fair-”

“Laura, stop.” Carmilla couldn’t let her keep on rambling. She cupped the back of Laura’s head and pulled her into her chest, enveloping the blonde in her arms. She didn’t know what to say, there were no words that could heal Laura’s pain so she just held her.

Laura pulled back, her face streaked with fresh tears. “I have more love for you than I know what to do with, Carm. All I want is a chance to give it. What if I don’t get that chance?”

“You will, baby. You will.” Carmilla promised.        

So, afterwards while she was driving an exhausted, sleeping Laura home, she solidified a plan in her head that she’d been working on for weeks. She knew what she wanted, and she knew how to make it happen. She just hoped Laura would want it too.

Time seemed to be speeding up and slowing down at the same time. It seemed like only yesterday that Carmilla was at that cement factory – completely unaware that that night would set off a chain of events that would lead her to Laura. Yet now, everyday with Laura felt like a lifetime, and she supposed that was because that’s how they wanted it to feel. How they needed it to feel.

*** 

Carmilla gave the caretaker of the cemetery a nod as she carried the final pieces of the older telescope to her car and placed them beside it. She felt bad taking it apart without Laura’s permission or knowledge, but it was all part of her master plan.

Part one of the plan was to build the ‘larger telescope’ Laura had talked of building, that first night in the cemetery, the one that would allow Laura to see the comet Hyakutake. Laura was too sick to build it and had too much going on, so Carmilla was going to build it for her.

She thanked the gatekeeper as she handed the keys back over to him and turned towards her car. There was now a familiar truck parked behind her Yugo. Will stepped out of it, looking incredibly sheepish.

Carmilla clenched her jaw and walked over to the pieces of telescope on the floor and began loading them into the car.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Carmilla didn’t look at him as she said it, but her voice wasn’t hostile. Without a word, Will stepped forward and began helping her.

***

With a little over a week, Carmilla was pretty confident as she pulled up outside of the Hollis residence. Since the party, Laura’s condition had deteriorated slightly, and she’d struggled to get out of bed the last few days.

She lugged a large piece of cardboard over to the workstation she’d set up in Laura’s yard, in view of her bedroom window. As Carmilla worked, Laura would look out and watch her every now and then if she was feeling up to it.

Reverend Hollis hadn’t been overly helpful with Carmilla’s project, but he hadn’t complained when she’d set up shop in his backyard either, so she couldn’t really criticise. Plus he spent most of his time attending to his daughter, which was more than understandable.

Carmilla turned off the electric saw she’d been using and picked up a pencil to note down some measurements, but as she did so she heard the Reverend shouting.

“Laura, honey? What’s the matter?!”

Carmilla looked up to Laura’s window, a fresh wave of dread washed over her at the panic in the Reverend’s voice.

***

Carmilla sat beside Laura’s hospital bed later that day. She was vaguely aware of the Reverend speaking to someone in the hallway, but in reality the only thing that broke through the numbness was the feeling of Laura’s warm hand in her own. The blonde was hooked up to various monitors, an IV drip and some pumps.

A nurse entered the room, checked Laura’s monitor and updated her clipboard. Carmilla glanced from her to the monitor and sighed at the unintentional look of pity she received. It was probably because two hours ago, Carmilla had been stood with that same nurse and the Reverend, discussing how Laura, without a solution, had less time to live than they’d predicted. Much less time.

Carmilla’s father was on his way to the hospital, but she knew that there was nothing more he could do here than he’d already been doing at home. According to the nurses, he’d been dedicating all his time and resources to finding something for Laura. If Carmilla could feel anything at that moment, she’d feel gratitude. But all she heard was ‘Laura’ and ‘less time’- that was pretty much all she needed to hear- and from that moment she hadn’t left Laura’s side.

The Reverend went home overnight to sleep and pack a bag for his daughter, while Carmilla refused to leave and slept beside her girlfriend. Her mind seemed to wake her up every hour or so to check on her, to hear the beeping of the monitor and feel the warmth of her skin.

Laura was in and out of sleep, and whenever she was out she wasn’t too talkative, so Carmilla just whispered sweet nothings into her ear and peppered kisses over her head.

The brunette woke the next morning settled into her seat. She felt pressure on her shoulder and looked up to see the Reverend stood over her. He looked like he’d barely slept either. He was in different clothes but his hair was unkempt and stubble was growing on his face. His clean-cut look had vanished.

“Go home, sweetheart.” His voice was soft but strained.

Carmilla shook her head. “No, I’m good.”

The Reverend bent down slightly closer to Carmilla’s ear. “I need just a minute with her.”

Carmilla understood and moved over to Laura, kissing her forehead. When she stirred she whispered, “I’ll be back, okay?” Laura gave a small nod.

***

While she was away from the hospital, Carmilla decided to make herself useful. Laura’s hospital room was nice, thanks to her father, but it was still bland, so Carmilla stopped by the store and picked up some balloons and flowers.

Part of her wanted to go and work on the telescope, but then all of the doubts at the back of her mind overcame - what if Laura was too ill by the time the comet came? What if she wasn’t alive to see it? Then Carmilla would be left with a really large telescope and no Laura. The lump in her throat came and never left after that thought.

Laura was asleep when she got back to the room, so she set down the balloons and the flowers quietly. She grabbed a book from her backpack and sat in her seat. She wasn’t reading long when she heard Laura stir.

Laura was smiling at her and sighed contentedly. Carmilla smiled back.

“You’re back.”

Carmilla sat up and then moved to take a new seat on the bed, being careful not to sit on Laura.

“How you feeling, cupcake?”

“I’m okay. I have something for you, actually.” She said as she reached under her pillow and pulled out a worn book. Carmilla looked it at dubiously as she took it and Laura laughed. “Don’t worry, babe. It’s not a bible.”

Carmilla exhaled in relief and turned the book over in her hands.

“My mother made it for me before I was born. It’s got quotes from famous people. Her favourite lines from books. Her thoughts.” Laura explained.

Carmilla opened it on one of the bookmarked pages. “’What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.’ Aristotle.”

“Mmmm. Lower. Same page.”

“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” Carmilla thought about it whilst Laura watched her meaningfully. “Dolly Parton.”

Laura nodded. “I always thought she was smart.”

Another bookmark slipped out halfway so Carmilla went to that page. It was reserved for one quote only. It was quite a long one and there was a dried flower cello taped to the page.

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous.” Carmilla read as Laura shut her eyes. “Love is never boastful or conceited.”

Laura began to recite along with Carmilla.

“It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and it is not resentful.” Carmilla sighed as the words sank in.

“That was read at my parents’ wedding.” The blonde said as she opened her eyes again. Carmilla took her hand and held it.

“How’re you doing?” She asked softly.

“Better. I was really angry.”

“I know.”

“It’s gone now.”

Carmilla looked up hopefully. “Because you have faith you’ll get better?”

Laura avoided giving the question a straight answer and shrugged. “Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself. Like, the journey never ends."

Carmilla placed the book on the bedside table and kicked off her shoes. She lay fully on the bed then turned onto her side and lay her head down next to Laura’s.

“Maybe I believe he sent you to me _because_ I’m ill. To help me through.” Laura said, looking Carmilla’s eyes.

Carmilla touched her face tenderly, running fingers over her cheek and Laura responded to the touch by closing her eyes. They stayed that way for a while then Laura looked back up to her.

“You’re my angel.” Laura whispered and smiled. Carmilla stared at Laura lovingly, on the verge of tears. She kissed Laura then pulled back, and the two gazed at each other affectionately.

***

“What do you mean there’s nothing more you can do?” Carmilla paced frantically around the large boardroom, as her father leaned against the table with his arms crossed.

“Sweetie, I’ve exhausted all of my resources- I’m not saying that something new won’t crop up but- for now there’s nothing-” Her father sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “There’s nothing more I can try. I won’t stop searching and making calls until-“

“Until she’s dead, right?” Carmilla said, agonisingly. Her father jut looked at her, almost as pained as she was. “Can she go home?”

Dr Karnstein hung his head and Carmilla already knew the answer. “She’s deteriorating quicker now, honey, she needs to be cared for.”

Carmilla nodded her head bitterly. “But that costs money. Right.” She’d heard enough. Her relentless hope over the past few months seemed to have all been lost in that room.

All of a sudden she felt claustrophobic. Like she couldn’t breathe. She was being suffocated by time. Her feet automatically took her toward Laura’s room but she stopped herself. She couldn’t be around Laura that, in such a panic.

Laura was the only person who could have soothed her pain, but she had her own battles. So she wandered aimlessly around the hospital until two hands were firmly on her shoulders from behind, slowing her down.

“Woah there.”

Carmilla turned round to see Mr Hollis looking down at her. “I just spoke to your father. And Laura’s been asking for you.”

“Everything’s being done but it’s not enough. I have to find something more.”

“Carmilla, there’s nothing more.”

“No, I don’t mean about Laura being ill. I’m talking about Laura and me.”

The Reverend placed a reassuring hand on Carmilla’s forearm. “Be with her when she needs. Make sure she never feels alone.”

Carmilla nodded. “Of course. I just- I really wanted her to get her miracle.”

The man laughed a little at that, then his face turned sincere. “Carmilla. She already got her miracle.” He paused, “It’s you.”

***

After the conversation with the Reverend, she went straight back to Laura’s room. Her father was there and Laura had tears in her eyes but a smile on her face. Carmilla moved immediately to stand next to Laura, who grabbed her hand and looked up at her.

“I can go home, Carm.” She smiled weakly.

Carmilla looked at her father. “Dad?”

“It’s true. I’m going to pay for care at home for Laura. You can be at home today.” Dr Karnstein said, then gave Carmilla a look that she couldn’t quite decipher the meaning of. He gave Laura a kind smile – one she hadn’t let herself see in years – then left.

Carmilla stared after him before she felt a small prod in her side. Laura was looking at her, still teary-eyed. “Go after him, you big goof.”

“I’ll be right back.” Then the brunette placed a quick kiss on Laura’s forehead and followed her father. She caught him at the elevators. He had his back to her.

She cleared her throat nervously. “Dad.”

He span round, his eyes were glistening with tears, and then suddenly so were her own.

“Th-thank you. For everything.” She choked out and he looked as though he was choosing his words carefully, but it didn’t matter because Carmilla just snaked her arms around his waist and squeezed him tightly. She felt him hesitate for a split second then he wrapped his own arms around her shoulders.

She wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but the elevator came and went a few times.

***

Carmilla was back at the workstation in the Hollis backyard. A library book on the comet was open with other similar book strewn around in a pile beside the table. She was sketching out the larger telescope and making a few computations.

She was trying not to rush, but it was the night before the comet arrived, which meant she had tonight to finish it. She needed tomorrow to prepare.

The back porch light came on and Reverend Hollis stepped out with a kerosene lantern in his hand.

“I have to finish this tonight.” Carmilla said, a little manically.

Without a word, though, the Reverend set the lantern down on the workstation and walked back into the house, leaving the porch light on.

A few minutes later he returned, dressed, and carrying two flasks of coffee.

“Here, something hot.”

“Thanks.”

“What are you gonna use for the side bearings?” The man asked, studying Carmilla’s sketches.

“I’m using an old phonographic turntable.”

“For the focuser?”

“A chrome-plated brass pipe from a drain line.”

The Reverend nodded, impressed.

Carmilla looked at him. “You know about this stuff?”

“I helped Laura with the first one.”

Carmilla raised her eyebrows. “I thought she built it herself.”

“Oh, she did. But hardly anyone does anything truly alone.”

The brunette was quiet a moment. “I need to this alone, sir.”

The Reverend searched her face, understanding, then turned and headed for the back door.

***

The next morning Carmilla shuffled about nervously outside the Reverend’s office. She wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans then knocked.

“Come in.”

Carmilla opened the door but remained stood in the doorway. He looked at her.

“You finish?”

“A few minutes ago. I have to ask you something, Reverend.” Carmilla said, seriously.

The man beckoned to the seat in front of him and Carmilla sat.

“Carmilla, when I was seventeen, I was sent up for a year for stealing a car. Sometimes I still feel like that boy inside me and I don’t like him. But I like you.” He winked at Carmilla and she knew there was nothing more to be said, so she stood up, beaming.

When the Reverend offered her his hand she shook it eagerly.

***

Carmilla stepped into Laura’s room that evening. The blonde was in bed asleep but she opened them as she heard the nurse greet Carmilla, who was standing there now showered and clean.

“Hey, you.” Carmilla smiled.

“Hey.” Laura smiled, a little groggy from the pain medication.

Carmilla looked to the nurse. “Can she go outside for while? Just onto the balcony?”

Laura looked at the nurse uncertainly, but she just smiled. “You’ll be fine Miss Hollis. As long as Carmilla here promises to take good care of you.”

“Of course.” Carmilla winked at Laura and the nurse helped her get the blonde out onto the balcony.

The telescope Carmilla had built was setup and pointing to the sky. The porch swing had been moved up to the balcony too, and was laden with blankets.

Laura looked around, happy. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Laura walked over to the telescope and examined it. “It’s beautiful.” Then she looked doubtfully at the lights of the houses and streets around them. “I’m not sure what we’ll be able to see though…”

Carmilla checked her watch. “Okay, it’s time. Check it out." 

Laura was about to, and then suddenly the neighbourhood suddenly darkened. From the street lamps to the lights in every nearby house- everything was switched off.

Laura looked at her girlfriend in disbelief.

Carmilla just shrugged. “I have my ways, cutie. Now look, you’re gonna miss it.”

Laura already had tears streaming down her face. She braced herself in front of the telescope and against Carmilla, then peered into the eyepiece. She pulled back, wiped her eyes then adjusted the telescope accordingly.

Carmilla watched Laura’s face silently as she saw the comet. The blonde was visibly in awe and when she pulled away from the eyepiece to look at the night sky, Carmilla remembered that there was a comet. Though, in that moment, she knew what she found more beautiful.

Laura looked back through the telescope and adjusted a knob.

“Wow.” She whispered, as if frightened that her voice would scare it away. “There it is.”

Carmilla continued to watch her, and then Laura broke away again to look at Carmilla this time.

“Come look, Carm. Quick.”

So Carmilla gently moved her aside, still holding her hand, and peered into the telescope.

Wow. It _was_ beautiful. From it’s hazy head to the long tail, made up of gas and dust and debris. “The comet of the century.”

Then she moved back so Laura could see again. Moments passed and Carmilla began to feel nervous. She watched Laura, who was completely entranced by the comet.

A few more long moments passed, then Carmilla decided it was now or never.

“You love me?”

Laura pulled away from the telescope, looking at Carmilla as if to say ‘duh?’. She said yes anyway.

Carmilla smiled. Softly turning Laura to face her. “Will you do something for me then?”

“Anything, baby.”

Carmilla inhaled deeply, her throat tightening with nervousness. “Will you marry me?”

Laura looked at her with disbelief. With hope, with fear. Sadness and love.

Then she smiled, tears gracing her cheeks. Then she nodded.

Carmilla grinned and kissed Laura. 

Laura Hollis. Her _fiancé_.


	13. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've actually struggled updating such an angsty story when SEASON 3 HAS ARRIVED AND HAS MADE ME SO HAPPY BUT OH WELL HERE WE ARE.
> 
> There's still a few chapters left of this story but I really do want to thank all of you who've left feedback I LOVE U. I might sound like a broken record but I don't care. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the chapter guys!

As expected, the big news spread around their small town quickly. A small minority were happy- you might even say touched by the news. Most were cynical, but Carmilla refused to listen to the opinions of people who had nothing better to do. She did not need specifics of the judgements. She could imagine well enough exactly what people were saying.

She knew it would be something along the lines of 'She's just doing it out of pity'. Or that she assumed Laura would be gone soon so she didn’t really see it as committing to anything. That Carmilla’s proposal was just some sort of chivalrous gesture. 

They didn’t know Carmilla’s reasons and Carmilla was never going to dignify them with an explanation. There was only one person who’s scepticism she entertained throughout it all, and that was her mother’s. Everyone else could shove it. 

***

“Carmilla. It is _nothing_ against Laura. I just- I don’t think it’s right. You can’t just marry her to make what might be her last days happy!” Her mother slammed her hand down on the kitchen table in protest.  
  
Carmilla stood at the sink facing away, looking out of the window to the lake. She shook her head, disappointed in her mother’s assumptions.

“It’s not for that, mom. I’m not doing it for her sake. I’m doing it because I love her. I love her so much and my heart is telling me to marry her.”

She heard her mother sigh. “Honey, I’m not sure-“

Carmilla span round, frustrated now. “Well I am. Look, mom,” She sat down at the table and put a hand on top of her mother’s. “I know how it looks, I do. But do you really think that I’m still the same person I was before I was with her? Do you really think I’d do this on a whim? I _know_ it doesn’t fix anything, I _know_ it doesn’t give her a better chance of surviving. But momma, I’m in love with her, so _so_ deeply. Whether she’s sick or not. Whether there’s not long left. I’m doing this because my heart is telling me to. For the first time in my life, my heart knows what I wants.”

Carmilla’s mother had welled up. “And that’s Laura.” 

It wasn’t a question but Carmilla answered it anyway.

“Always.” 

***

 With her mother’s approval, Carmilla let everyone else’s opinions wash away with the past. Although, she did daydream about writing the town a letter, listing the many reasons why she was marrying Laura- why _anyone_ would marry Laura.

Carmilla knew from the moment she’d asked the question that she would have married Laura Hollis no matter what. Laura Hollis was more than just a girl from Star Club who she’d fallen in love with.

In the past year, Laura had helped to build and mould the foundations on which Carmilla was now made. She was the reason Carmilla had become the person she was. The patience and kindness that she now possessed, she’d only found because Laura had showed her that it was there all along.

The happiness Laura emitted, and her optimism in the face of everything, was the most amazing thing. She had changed everything. 

***

So, just like Laura wanted, the church where her mother and father married was now filled to the brim with people. Due to the short notice of the wedding and the frenzied planning that had taken place there wasn’t much time for people to make arrangements. However, people were there whom Carmilla barely recognised, but they’d obviously come from everywhere to make the day as special as they could, so she was grateful for the support.

As Carmilla stood at the altar waiting for the music to start, she looked at the people who sat nearest to the front. There was her mother, Mattie, Principal Kelly, Miss Garber, and LaFontaine amongst others. All of them had been part of hers and Laura’s story in some capacity and she was elated at the fact they were here.

She glanced behind her over her left shoulder and her father stood there in his suit, looking at her with so much adoration in his eyes. He leaned forward and placed a hand on Carmilla’s back.

“I’m proud of you, kiddo.”

Carmilla smiled. “I’m proud of you too, Dad.” 

That was another thing she could thank Laura for. She’d brought her and her father back together in a way that she would never have thought possible. Laura had taught her forgiveness, and that in turn had allowed for a transformation to happen. Wounds had been healed and after everything he had done and continued to do for Laura, Carmilla knew he was someone she could trust.

She turned back to face the front and Mattie was there.

“You look beautiful, sis. And that dress. I have good taste.”

Carmilla’s dress was a long-sleeved, fitting, lace gown and her hair down in loose waves, much less messy than her usual style.

“Thanks Mattie.” Carmilla smiled.

Then the doors of the church closed, meaning that everyone had to take their seats because the bride was ready to walk down the aisle.

It was then that Carmilla became nervous. Laura’s condition was no better than when she’d proposed a week and a half ago. She was weak, but of course she was still resilient as ever, and was insistent on walking down the aisle. It was her dream, and it meant everything to her, so Carmilla had gone along with it because there was nothing she admired more than Laura’s faith. 

She just hoped that Laura could find the strength today. While she wondered, the “Wedding March” began and the doors opened.

The whole congregation turned round to see the bride; Carmilla’s bride- and there she was. Stood in the doorway of the church, linked arm-in-arm with Reverend Hollis.

Carmilla knew from the moment it happened, that she’d never forget the second she saw Laura. She would always remember being momentarily stunned at the sight. The blonde had the same hairstyle from the that night at the show, long and wavy mermaid hair. She had a little makeup up on that accentuated those doe eyes that Carmilla would die for.

Her dress was well, _wow_. Mattie and her mother had really pulled out all of the stops. Laura’s dress was lace too, but hers had a high collar that went up the sides of her neck but was cut into a ‘V’ shape down the front, all the way to her cleavage.

She started walking down the aisle with supported by the Reverend. Carmilla knew she was using all the strength she could muster. The nurse waited near the door with a wheelchair, as a precaution.

The whole church, including Carmilla, watched in awe as Laura walked. Laura was looking at the faces of the crowd, smiling that bright smile, and spreading her happiness. 

About halfway down the aisle she stopped and closed her eyes. Carmilla watched her try to catch her breath as the energy seemed to leave her quickly. What felt like a lifetime passed, then the blonde nodded to her father and they started moving again.

Carmilla’s heart surged with pride and she felt the tears coming. 

It was the most difficult walk anyone had had to make, in Carmilla’s opinion. A walk to remember.

Then Laura was stood opposite her and the whole church sighed in happiness (with a hint of relief) as the Reverend kissed her on the cheek then handed her over to Carmilla.

As the Reverend moved to prepare for the ceremony, Carmilla took the opportunity to speak to her bride. 

“You doin’ okay there, cupcake?” She asked through the grin that refused to leave her face.

Laura nodded. “I am now.” She was still a little breathless, but Carmilla was supporting her now and that made all of the difference, to the both of them. 

Then the Reverend took his position and cleared his throat, clearly attempting to keep his emotions in check. The congregation silenced and he looked down to his bible as Carmilla and Laura looked at each other. 

“Before I officially begin the ceremony, I’d like to say some words as a father, first. Today, I give away my daughter, or I’m supposed to at least...But I can no more give away Laura than I can give away my heart." He looked at Laura with a mixture of sadness and devotion. "That being said- frankly, there’s no one else on God’s earth who I’d rather let share in the joy that she has given me, than Carmilla here. May God’s blessings be with you both.”

Carmilla bowed her head in thanks toward the Reverend.   

“Now,” The Reverend continued, back in work-mode, “I’ll begin by reading a passage chosen by Carmilla.” 

Carmilla laughed silently at Laura’s confused face. The other woman didn’t know that Carmilla had made the small tweak to the ceremony, but she’d wanted to avoid the usual ‘gathered here today’ drivel. She wanted the wedding to be as unique and special as her wife-to-be was.

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes...” The Reverend read and Carmilla looked at Laura when she felt her squeeze her hand. 

“I love you.” Laura whispered, clearly moved that Carmilla had remembered the passage.

“I love you.” Carmilla responded, fighting the urge to kiss Laura already.

“And now for the vows. Laura.” The Reverend prompted her.

Laura nodded and looked at Carmilla then took a deep breath.

“I’ve done nothing this past week, but try to figure out what to say to you in my vows. I wasn’t sure how I could stand here and make all of the promises that I wanted to, when I don’t know if I’ll be around to keep them. But, then I thought, isn’t that what we’ve been doing all this time? Forever seems to be a shot in the dark for everyone, and it is _especially_ for us. But Carm, this love makes me believe that we are that one shot. The one shot that makes it. We are the ones who, in forty years, all the cynics will talk about because no one but us believed." She took another long breath. "I vow that I will never stop believing in us, in you. You are my best friend and the love of my life. When our journey started, I had a list of the last things I wanted to do with my time, then you came along and made them into firsts. They were no longer endings, but beginnings. I was figuring out how to die and then you taught me how to live. I vow to keep on living for you, Carm. I vow to love you. Always.”

Laura really shouldn’t have gone first, Carmilla thought. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house, including her own.

“Carmilla,” The Reverend said with a shaky voice.

The brunette exhaled loudly as she focused on Laura’s face. That would be enough to calm her. She gave herself a moment then began.

“I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But we fell, and I’ve never been more thankful of anything. We are flawed, and we are struggling and uncertain- but I think it's so beautiful, the way we try. The way _you_ try. But- vows are supposed to be for the future so- here’s what I promise. These vows are from one of my favourite poets, Beau Taplin, and they fit us perfectly. So, Laura Hollis. Astronomer. Actress. Tutor. Believer in God. Believer in me. 'I now commit myself to you, the very same way a star might commit to a constellation– I am but one small strand of your collective brilliance, but I promise to you now, that has always been, and will always be, enough. Because you see, for me it’s not “I do”, for me it always was and always will be.'”

The two women gazed at each other with more love in their eyes then they’d ever thought possible. Carmilla didn’t want that moment to end. She wanted Laura to look at her the way she was then, for forever.

Carmilla’s father handed her the ring that her mother had helped her pick out, and Laura gave her one in return. Then the moment arrived and the Reverend pronounced them wife and wife.

Carmilla held Laura’s hands in her own, feeling the gold band around the blonde’s finger made her heart soar. She kissed Laura softly, savouring the moment. Then she felt the other woman smile, so she smiled and they pulled apart so just their foreheads were touching.

Carmilla let it all sink in. She had a wife; a stunning, kind and beautiful wife who, in front of the whole town, she’d just devoted herself to, and nothing had ever felt so perfect or so right. The memory was seared into her mind forever; it was the most wonderful moment of her life, and nothing was ever going to top it.

***

After the ceremony, Carmilla, Laura and the guests went back to a nearby hotel that was run by Wilson Kirsch’s family. Kirsch, being frequently in touch with Carmilla now, and naturally fond of Laura, had asked his parents’ if they could hold a function at the hotel and put up two rooms for the night- one for Carmilla and Laura and one for Laura’s nurse. They did, of course. Free of charge, despite Carmilla’s objections.

Persuading the Reverend to allow the room situation to happen proved to be an easier task than Carmilla had anticipated. Turns out, he thought the chance for Laura to rest after the wedding and before travelling home was a good idea, as long as the nurse agreed to stay too.

When they arrived at the hotel, the guests were herded into the function room where there was a buffet and later on a band. By now, a tiring Laura was in her wheelchair.

“Do you want to get some food, cutie?” Carmilla asked as she rolled the chair to a stop.

“I think I might take a plate up to the room and lie down for an hour, if that’s okay?” Laura asked, placing a hand on top of Carmilla’s, which was resting on her shoulder. 

“Of course it is, want me to come with you?” Carmilla knelt down at the side of Laura and kissed her shoulder. 

“No, you should stay. Have some food. Oh and prepare yourself because once my energy’s replenished I’ll be coming down for the first dance, and I’m expecting great things from you Karnstein.” Laura teased; even exhausted she still had a sense of humour. 

Carmilla smirked then leaned up to whisper in Laura’s ear, “Don’t worry, baby, I’ve saved some moves for you.” She said in a low voice, and then placed a sweet kiss on a flustered Laura’s cheek.

She waved Caroline- Laura’s nurse- over and Laura explained the plan to her. Carmilla watched as the two went to the buffet, grabbed a plate, and then left the room. The brunette then looked around, searching through the sea of strangers for a familiar face.

Carmilla spent the next hour mingling- she’d turned into one of _those_ wives already.

She only checked if the music was ready for the first dance like- ten times.

It was nearing the eleventh time when she spotted Laura walking back into the room, followed by Caroline and the wheelchair as always. She must have slipped in and out of her wedding dress to sleep and got freshened up, because she seemed to look even more beautiful than before.

Carmilla crossed the room and when Laura saw her she snaked her arms around her waist.

 **“** Hi, wifey.” The blonde said, her voice sounding lighter than it had done in days. 

“Back atcha’,” Carmilla nuzzled her nose against Laura’s. “I missed you.”

“I’m here now. And I’d like to have that first dance, please.”

Carmilla smiled and nodded toward the band, who’d been watching her closely, terrified to miss their cue.

A slow intro started and the singer instructed the guests that it was time for the first dance. The congregation cleared the floor as Carmilla and Laura walked to the middle of it.

They stopped and Carmilla placed both of her hands on Laura’s waist, while Laura placed her arms around Carmilla’s neck. Their foreheads met and the intro got louder and became immediately more recognisable. Carmilla was vaguely aware of a lot of the guests sighing as they heard the song choice, and there may have been a few whimpers, but it didn’t really matter. All that mattered was that Laura was here, happy and in her arms.

The first verse was coming up and Carmilla breathed in. She loved this song and she started to sing along quietly, just to Laura, their foreheads still touching.

_Wise men say_

_Only fools rush in_

Laura was already crying and her hands were clenched in the hair at the back of Carmilla’s head. The brunette stroked up and down her waist soothingly.

_But I can’t help, falling in love with you_

Carmilla couldn’t help but grin as she sang, and she knew that Laura was only crying because she was happy. So when Laura nestled her face into Carmilla’s neck, she kissed the top of the blonde’s head and they continued to sway and sing in unison. 

Eventually, other couple’s began to move onto the dance floor. The ones that hadn’t been reduced to blubbering messes, that is.

*******

After the dance, Laura insisted on thanking almost every guest in the room. Personally. In depth. So naturally, Carmilla veered off elsewhere. 

“Carmilla?”

She turned round to see Will, SJ, Elsie and Ell stood there. Her heart swelled at the effort they’d made, and she was too happy today to be bitter.

“Hi, guys. Thanks for coming.” 

“Congratulations, you both looked amazing. It- it was a beautiful ceremony.” SJ said as she stepped forward slightly held out a white envelope addressed to herself and Laura. “It’s not much.”

Carmilla took it and opened it. Inside was a cheque for five hundred dollars. It was made out to Jefferson High. Her brow furrowed in confusion for a moment and then she realised and looked back up at the group.

Will stepped forward this time. “Mattie told us about Laura raising money for Jefferson and we did a little fundraising. Hope it helps.”

Carmilla smiled as her chest tightened. “Thank you. Really. Laura will love this.”

Each of them smiled at her awkwardly and a meaningful moment was shared. All wasn’t forgiven, but wounds were definitely healing.

“Carmilla,” Principal Kelly’s voice pulled her attention away from the group. “Can I talk with you for a minute?” 

Carmilla looked back to the group, nodded at them thankfully then followed her Principal to the side of the room.

“You’re graduating, Carmilla.”

She blinked a couple of times. “I'm sorry, what?”

“You’re graduating. And not only that, your grades are, well…outstanding. Especially considering the-your…circumstances.”

“So, what- what does this mean?”

 **“** It means you can go to college. A good one. Then on to medical school, if that’s what you want. I don’t want to jump the gun but, UNC is where your father studied and I’m aware that that’s somewhere you want to apply. I would be more than happy to write you a letter of recommendation.”

  
Carmilla’s heart leapt. _College_. In truth, it would have been the last thing on her mind over the past few months, but Laura always forced her to think about it. She knew it was important for Carmilla not to throw it away. So she’d had studied, harder than she’d ever done before. And it had paid off.

Kelly was willing to help get her into North Carolina, where she’d always wanted to go. Where her father had gone. It was also close, so she could go to college and still be close to Laura that way.

Yes, it was amazing news. “Thank you for telling me and, well- for everything, sir.” Carmilla choked out. 

Principal Kelly smiled but shook his head. “It was all you, Carmilla. Congratulations.” Then he walked away, mumbling something about the buffet and quiche. 

Carmilla turned to look for Laura, but the other woman had already found her.

“Hey.” Laura said as she walked over. She looked so well, healthier than she had done in weeks. Today was so amazing, so different. While Carmilla’s chest had been heavy with fear over the past few months, today it felt weightless. Today her and Laura were just two people who loved each other. 

“Hi, beautiful.” Carmilla reached out and tucked a stray hair behind her wife’s ear. “How are you doing?” 

Laura wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s waist and pulled her closer. “Honestly? I’m kind of ready for it to be just me and you now.” 

Carmilla smiled wide. “I definitely agree.”

The university news could wait. 

***

After they both gave thank you speeches to their guests and bid their family and friends farewell, Carmilla, Laura and Caroline went back to their rooms. Caroline’s room was just next door, aptly set up for if Laura took a bad turn in the night. The three went there first and Caroline checked Laura over, gave her her medication and then gave the green light. Laura could stay with Carmilla.

So the newlyweds went into their room. The interior reminded Carmilla of that of a log cabin. Wooden flooring and panelled walls. There was a queen size oak bed in the centre of the room.

The Wilson’s maids had done the room up real nice, everything you would expect a honeymoon suite to be. Carmilla’s favourite touch was the candles. There were about five sets of white pillar candles that lit the room, emitting a warm flickering glow. Carmilla did always have a weakness for candles.

Laura flopped down on the bed with a groan and Carmilla followed suit. It was the comfiest bed in existence. The two lay there for a while chatting, still in their wedding dresses.

“Carm?” Laura turned her head to so she was looking at Carmilla, who was already staring at her. Their faces were just a few inches away from each other.

“Hmm?”

“We got married today.” 

Carmilla’s eyebrow’s raised in surprise. “Wait, that’s what that was? Oh crap.” 

Laura scowled at her wife. “Well if it was mistake it can always be rectified?”

Carmilla took Laura’s hand at kissed it, holding her gaze. “Never. Today was the best day of my life.”

Laura beamed at that, as if it were news to her. She really was oblivious at times.

Later, when Laura was 'reading the welcome pack' (in reality the smaller woman was napping on and off, but she pretended not to notice) Carmilla decided that she wanted to get out of the dress into something more comfy. She struggled.

“Hey, Laur?" She spoke gently and Laura jumped up, already nodding vigorously. "Sorry to disturb your, erm-  _reading-_ but can you unzip me? Then I’ll do you.”

Laura moved over, coming round quickly, and Carmilla moved her hair over one shoulder so it wasn’t in the way. Her hands were cold and Carmilla assumed that was the reason a shiver went down her spine. 

She didn’t think about the fact that she had nothing on underneath until the top of her dress fell down and gathered at her waist, exposing the whole of her upper torso to Laura, who was still standing behind her silent.

“You’re quiet all of a sudden.” Carmilla said shakily, turning her head to the side so she could see Laura in her peripheral.

“Turn around.” Laura’s voice was low, almost unrecognisable. It was laced with something that Carmilla couldn't quite put her finger on.

She felt her heartbeat quicken, but she obeyed Laura’s command and turned round, meeting her gaze. 

As Carmilla studied Laura's face, she couldn’t find the Laura she’d just married; all wide-eyed and adorable. That Laura had disappeared, something in her look had changed. Her eyelids were hooded and she was raking her eyes up and down Carmilla’s half-naked body.

“What are you thinking about?” Carmilla asked.

Laura’s eyes locked with hers. “How I wish your dress had fell all the way down."

_Holy shit._

Carmilla raised an eyebrow and didn’t even try to stop her smirk as she pushed her dress down from where it was gathered at her hips, letting it slowly slide down her legs, leaving her stood there in just her lacy black panties.

Laura stepped forward then, still fully dressed, and placed her on hands on Carmilla’s waist, digging her fingers gently into the skin there. Despite the move, Carmilla could still see the lack of confidence in the smaller woman’s face so, without wanting to push Laura into anything, she smiled and pressed her lips to her wife’s.

Laura kissed her back and began stroking her thumbs over the skin on Carmilla’s waist.

“You okay?” She whispered against Laura’s lips, who just nodded, breathless. 

Carmilla read that as consent and stepped out of her dress. She then picked it up and lay it over the armchair by the bed. Then she walked back over to Laura, kissed her forehead, then her shoulder. From there she circled her way around so she was stood behind her wife. 

Her hands found the zip of Laura’s dress and after some awkward fumbling and giggling; the dress had joined Carmilla’s on the armchair. In all of the difficulty, Carmilla hadn’t even registered the beauty that stood before her. 

Laura was still stood facing away, laughing. Her laughter was causing the muscles in her back to contract and that was all it took for Carmilla’s mouth to go dry. Laura’s chuckles subsided as she noticed Carmilla’s silence. If her mouth hadn't been so dry she would of drooled.

She looked at the back of Laura’s body again, more carefully this time. Her skin looked so soft and Laura’s turquoise panties illuminated the tanned tone of it.

“You’re perfect.” Carmilla croaked out, quietly.

At that, Laura turned around slowly. Carmilla was now biting her lip so hard that she was waiting for the taste of blood to arrive.

Her hands itched to touch Laura. Every single inch of her because _God_ , she needed to be touched. And for the first time ever, Carmilla _needed_ Laura to touch her. Up to that moment, the kissing and the cuddling and the falling asleep in each other’s arms had been enough; more than enough. Carmilla knew that it always would be with Laura. But right now, a want existed in her stomach that had never been there before, with anyone. 

She would suppress that want if need be, but she would gladly give herself over to it if she could, if Laura wanted the same. 

As if having read her mind, Laura’s face was graced with an uncharacteristic smirk. Then she sauntered past Carmilla and climbed onto the king-size bed, crawling up to the pillows then flipping to lie on her back. 

Carmilla, having turned round to gawp at that point, was momentarily frozen at the end of the bed.

It was only when Laura held a shaky hand out to her that she seemed to come back down to earth. Carmilla climbed onto the bed and interlaced her fingers with the other woman, who pulled Carmilla down on top of her gently. 

Both women inhaled sharply as their naked torsos pressed together and she didn’t know about Laura, but it sent Carmilla’s head into a spin. She didn’t know how it happened, but she’d found that her lips were now latched to Laura’s neck, kissing up and down her jaw line and sucking on her pulse point. 

Apparently Laura liked that, if the moans that it elicited from her were anything to go by. Carmilla slowed down then though, and began lazily kissing across the smaller woman’s chest and throat, hands still intertwined. There was no need to rush.

After some amount of time (but who was counting) Carmilla propped herself up on the elbow of her free arm. She brought the hand that held Laura’s up to her mouth and kissed it as her own dark eyes met hazel ones. The two of them grinned at one another.

Laura untangled their interlocked fingers, then after a slight pause placed Carmilla’s hand on one of her breasts. Carmilla knew what to do. She kneaded Laura’s breast in her hand then leaned down to suck softly on the nipple, as Laura’s hands raked down her back.

She pulled away then traced the same hand over Laura’s chest, then down her stomach, mapping out a path. Then her hand was on the outside of Laura’s thigh, stroking there softly. Laura’s head pushed back into the pillow then and Carmilla moved her lips back to tend to Laura’s throat once more. 

Her hands moved to the inside of Laura’s thigh and it evoked a small, surprised moan from the smaller woman. 

“Should I stop?” Carmilla removed her lips from Laura’s neck long enough to ask.

“No.” Laura said quickly, so quickly that she blushed at herself and buried her face into Carmilla’s neck. The taller woman could feel Laura’s smile against her skin. A smile that turned into an open mouth when Carmilla’s fingers moved closer to the crease between her legs.

She stroked her way up until her fingertips hit Laura’s now very damp underwear. Carmilla couldn’t stop her sharp intake of breath and she felt how wet Laura was for her. She kissed Laura softly before cupping her and rubbing her hand in a circular motion.

Carmilla had closed her eyes, getting lost in the moment so when she opened them to find Laura looking at her meaningfully, she became a little embarrassed and her hand movement stopped. She was about to ask Laura if this was still okay but the she’d already wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s neck, pulling her closer. As if that wasn’t enough confirmation, Laura bucked her hips against Carmilla’s hand.

“Please," Laura breathed out, “ _Carm_. Please.”

Carmilla continued her movements as Laura tugged softly at her hair. She wanted this to be perfect for her. She wanted it to be good for Laura because she deserved good, but Carmilla had never had sex like this. Sweet, loving and soft was an unusual concept. This was as new to her as it was to Laura.

Her hesitation wasn’t lost on her wife, and she loved that the other woman could read her so easily. A heavily breathing Laura cupped her face firmly and pulled Carmilla’s head down so their foreheads were touching,

“Stop thinking so hard.” She breathes, “You don’t have to be scared of this.”

Carmilla had no idea how Laura had become the one reassuring her, but of course, it worked. Carmilla relaxed into another kiss, then moved her hand against Laura’s core, underneath her underwear, with more pressure now. She circled her clit lightly, and Laura’s gasps became louder and louder. Carmilla now incredibly wet herself, got lost in the sound and let it encourage her and calm her. Then her middle finger slid in between Laura’s wet folds and curled, tentatively.

At that, Laura’s back arched and she bit her bottom lip to stifle a moan.

“Fuck, _Carm_. Fu-” Laura groaned out and Carmilla’s finger started pumping into her, spurred on by Laura’s sudden bout of cursing. “That’s-“

Carmilla worried she was being repetitive for a moment, as she found herself nipping and kissing Laura’s neck _again_ , but she really couldn’t help it. After a few minutes of that, Laura’s moans had subsided, but she was still breathing heavily.

The smaller woman was biting her lip again so with her free hand Carmilla pulled it free from the teeth, making Laura open her eyes. She was looking at Carmilla hazily. The glow from the candles was illuminating her now slightly shiny face and she looked heavenly.

“Y-you okay?” Carmilla whispered, though her voice almost didn’t work. She felt herself getting close to climaxing.

Laura just nodded again and nuzzled her nose against Carmilla’s. The taller woman added another finger then hit a particular spot and then Laura’s fingernails were scraping hard down her back.

Their foreheads met again as Laura pushed upward and Carmilla pushed downward. All of a sudden Carmilla was overwhelmed with emotion. As her fingers moved in and out of Laura she found herself with so much to say.

Laura was watching her, studying her, and Carmilla was doing the same. As she looked into those hazel-coloured doe eyes, she needed to tell Laura how she felt, but she didn’t have the breath.

She didn’t have the breath to list off all of the reasons why Laura was the most beautiful thing to ever exist. Nor did she have the breath to explain to Laura why there were tears in her eyes, threatening to fall at any moment.

The feeling in her core started to build and she could feel Laura shaking beneath her. She was close too.

Carmilla rocked her hips against the arm that was working on Laura and the other woman grabbed her forearm. Her mouth was wide open now and she was making unbelievably sexy noises.

“You’re fucking perfect.” Carmilla droned out, but Laura didn’t respond. “Baby?” She wanted Laura to look at her when she came.

Laura reopened her eyes and Carmilla smirked at her, and then curled both of her fingers hard into Laura, and it was enough to have her coming against Carmilla’s palm, which in turn sent Carmilla over the edge too.

Laura’s body melted into the sheets and happened to move away from Carmilla who, unhappy with the loss of contact, nestled herself into Laura’s side instantly, pulling the blanket over them both as she did so. Their bodies reconnected, slightly sweatier than when they’d began.

She felt Laura kiss her forehead and bring the hand that wasn’t around her shoulders up to her chin. She tried to lift Carmilla’s head up but she didn’t want to look at her, because then Laura would see the tears on her cheeks.

“Carm, look at me.” Laura’s voice was soft, and Carmilla was powerless against it. She looked up through her watery eyes and found that Laura was crying too.

Laura’s thumb swiped at her cheek. “Happy?” She asked, referring to the tears.

Carmilla thought about it. “I-I think so. Mostly.” She sniffled.

Laura smiled through her own tears. “Me too.”

Laura let Carmilla snuggle herself back into her side, stroking her hair as they both fell asleep. Carmilla held desperately onto the woman she knew she’d never be able to let go of.

***

A few days after the wedding, Laura was back to being bed-ridden. It was as though the universe had given them the day off for the wedding, but Laura was paying for it now. The whole thing had taken almost everything out of her.

Time seemed to be becoming scarcer and scarcer and Carmilla was becoming more and more terrified.

Then almost a week later, the phone rang.

“Carmilla, can I talk to Laura for a second.”

Carmilla looked over to her wife, today wasn’t a good day, it was noon and Laura was yet to stay awake for longer than a few minutes.

“She’s pretty exhausted today, I-“

“It’s important, Carmilla. Please.” Her father pleaded.

Carmilla closed her eyes for a moment, “One second.” She placed the phone down onto the cabinet then walked over to Laura’s bed, sitting next to her.

Laura’s eyes opened slowly and Carmilla brushed some hair out of them.

"Baby," Carmilla cooed softly, "My dad's on the phone, do you think you can talk to him?"

Laura cleared her throat weakly and nodded, so Carmilla placed the phone next to her ear and Laura lifted a hand up to hold it.

Carmilla made to stand up but Laura placed her free hand on her wrist, silently asking her to stay as she listened into the phone.

Carmilla sat and watched as Laura's face changed, her eyebrows lifted and her eyes flitted quickly from left to right, as if she were thinking hard, wide awake now.

"Of course I do, it's my only option." Laura said, glancing at Carmilla with teary eyes, who frowned. "Okay. Yeah. Okay. I don't have the words right now but, thank you Mr Karnstein."

Laura put the phone down and Carmilla shuffled forward impatiently, her whole body tensed. "What?" She asked, exasperated. 

"There's a clinical trial, Carm. In Colorado. They-they want me to go on it."

Carmilla blinked as she tried to register the news. She swallowed hard. "So..." She struggled to find the words.

"So this might be our shot in the dark."


	14. Reunions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andddddd we're back. Finally. Remember when I used to update like five times a week lol. I hope you like the direction this is taking! Thank you as always to everyone who's stuck with this fic! We're nearly at the end!

Carmilla lugged her suitcase into her dorm room. She’d left the rest of her stuff with her mother and Mattie, who were bickering at the car over some mundane dispute that she wanted no part of.

Although she’d never admit it, she didn’t want their bickering to ruin the moment, because despite the fact that she’d spent all summer insisting that she didn’t care _where_ she went to college, her heart couldn’t lie. She was so elated that it was _here_.

Amidst the agony and longing she now felt every waking hour, walking into her dorm room at UNC managed to make her feel excited, less numb. The fraction of her heart that was still her own, that didn’t belong to another, started to beat a little faster as one of her dreams was fulfilled. 

Of course though, it made her think of Laura.

-

_“I’ve heard CU is a great college. And it’s in Colorado, how weird is that!” Carmilla mustered up as much genuine enthusiasm as she could, hoping Laura wouldn’t see through it. But of course she would._

_It was silent for a moment, and then her wife huffed from her place in Carmilla’s lap._

_“Carm, we’ve talked about this- UNC is your dream. You’ve applied. You’re practically already a student there.”_

_“Except that I’m not…yet. And I can always apply elsewhere. Somewhere like…I don’t know…CU.” Carmilla continued to flick through her book, seeming nonchalant, but she knew exactly what she was doing. And so did her wife._

_A now slightly displeased Laura sat up slowly and turned to face her. She must’ve felt good today, because she’d already showered and changed into sweats. Her face was still ashen and she probably didn’t have enough strength to do anything tasking but at least she was awake and talking._

_“We have a plan, Carm. You stay here, wait for the news that you’ve gotten into the college of your dreams, go to your high school graduation, then- and_ only _then- you can come stay with me in Colorado for the summer.” Laura was right, it was a good plan, but Carmilla was still torn._

_“And then leave you again when college starts.” Carmilla said sulkily, pointing out the huge flaw in their plan._

_Laura sighed, relating. She twirled Carmilla’s hair in her fingers. “I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but when have we ever been easy? And, it’ll be worth it, right? If this trial works, we’ll have our whole lives to make up for the time apart.”_

_Carmilla swallowed hard. She cupped Laura’s cheek. “And- and if it doesn’t? Then not only have I wasted time being away from you but I’ve left you to go through it alone…”_

_“Not true. It’s more like: Then my amazing wife will be in UNC studying to become a doctor, like she always wanted to. And I won’t be alone- my dad will be there. You’ve gotten me through the worst of it, now I can do this bit by myself. You deserve your dream, Carm.” Laura smiled and it was so genuine. There was no bitterness or sadness in her voice. Laura truly didn’t care as long as Carmilla was okay. Which made the thought of losing her tear Carmilla apart even more._

_“But it’s_ my _dream, Laur. So it’s_ my _choice if I want time with you more. And what kind of wife would I be if I abandoned you for my own dream?”_

 _Laura shook her head and wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s neck. “_ Our _dream. I love you. You’re my wife. It’s my dream too now.” Laura leaned forward and kissed her softly. “So you need to go after it. We’re gonna get through this, Carm.”_

_-_

Carmilla’s new roommate had evidently beaten her to it and was already fully moved in. A very tall blonde girl sat over in what she’d clearly chosen as her side of the room. Fair’s fair, Carmilla thought.

The stranger looked up as Carmilla entered and gave her a smile. It wasn’t one of those over-enthusiastic ‘let’s be immediate best friends’ smiles but it didn’t seem faked either. Carmilla felt hopeful- her worst nightmare would be some prissy little over-achiever who’d want them to be the best of friends and braid each other’s hair. Of course, there was one person who’d be an exception to that, but the thought brought tears to her eyes so she pushed it to the back of her mind.

“Hey. I’m Betty. Spielsdorf.” Betty introduced herself.

“Carmilla Karnstein.” Carmilla returned the smile, and her eyes flitted around the room looking for any sign of a chore wheel.

“Want some help with that?” Betty gestured to the suitcase.

“Nah, I think I’m good. Thanks.” Carmilla lifted the case onto the free bed.

“Carmilla? Honey?” Her mother’s voice filled the room. Then she was walking in with three large IKEA bags in her hand, followed by an annoyed looking Mattie, who was also carrying her fair share of luggage. She grabbed some bags off of her mother, who then spotted Betty.

Betty stood up, no doubt feeling slightly awkward and in the way now. “Hi, I’m Betty.”

“Oh, hi Betty! I’m Carmilla’s mother and this is Mattie, her friend.” Her mother said, and Mattie gave her a curt nod.

“It’s nice to meet you both,” Betty smiled politely. “I’ll get out of your hair while you get unpacked.” She said to Carmilla, who gave her an apologetic look, then an appreciative one. Betty seemed to get it; they were going to get on just fine.

***

A couple of hours later and Carmilla had pretty much unpacked; she had one box left that she’d purposely left until last for two reasons. One, for her mother’s sake; she was already incredibly emotional from the whole day and Carmilla didn’t want to bring her to any premature tears. Two, she wanted to unpack it alone, by herself. She wanted the moment to be just hers.

Betty was yet to resurface as it got later, and eventually it was time for her mother and Mattie to leave.

“You sure you don’t want me to stay over, sis? You know, just until I’ve established the blonde giraffe isn’t a serial killer.” Mattie tried as she hugged Carmilla.

“ _Mattie_.” She replied with an eye roll. “I’ll be fine. But thank you. For everything.” Carmilla was thanking Mattie for more than helping her with the move, and she knew that her friend would understand that.

Mattie had understood- or at least pretended to- _a lot_ over the past few months; like the fears that Carmilla hadn’t wanted to burden Laura with and the doubts that would have eaten away at her otherwise.

-

_“What’s the centre called again?” Mattie asked Carmilla, as they stood on the dock overlooking the bay. It always was the most beautiful in April._

_“It’s the Colorado University Cancer Centre. They do all kinds of trials, apparently.”_

**__ **

_“And what’s the purpose of this trial?” Mattie questioned, and Carmilla noted the tiniest hint of that fierce protective energy Mattie only ever used for, well, Carmilla. Yet here she was, quite clearly caring about Laura._

_“Well, the plan is to see whether certain alterations of typical treatments can reduce how lethal the side effects_ _of them are, but still maintain- or even improve- the survival rates.”_

_“I thought Laura had stopped responding to treatments all together, though?”_

_Carmilla nodded, “She did, the ones they’d tried. Some of them didn’t ‘work’ due to her reaction to the side effects. They were too severe and would have killed her long before they made her better. These treatments are modified- so they’re kind of like brand new. Laura might not respond to them but then again she might, and she might respond well.” Carmilla exhaled, a little deflated. “Either way it’s our last chance so we might as well take it.”_

_“If anyone’s got a chance, it’s that little gidget. She’s almost as stubborn as you, sis.” Mattie smiled and so did Carmilla, enjoying the genuine fondness in her friend’s voice when she spoke of Laura. “So…Colorado?” Mattie asked after a moment and Carmilla’s heart sank a little._

_“Yeah. Colorado.” She said, her voice small. She’d known the conversation was coming but she wasn’t sure how ready she was to admit how scared she was. That the thought of Laura being any further than ten minutes away from her absolutely terrified her._

_Of course, if it meant Laura would get better, she wouldn’t have it any other way._

-

Carmilla then turned to her mother, completely unsurprised to see the tears already welling in her eyes.

“I’m so proud of you, sweetie. So so proud.” That was all she managed to get out before the tears well and truly fell.

Carmilla hugged her tightly, knowing when her mother said she was proud of her she wasn’t just referring to college.

She even let herself cry a little. She’d had to get used to that, lately.

***

When Carmilla stepped back into her dorm alone, the cardboard box on the floor by her bed seemed to scream out at her. She walked over to it and set it on the bed, using her key to cut through the tape.

As the top flaps opened a familiar smell filled Carmilla’s nostrils. She didn’t realise it until later, but she was already crying.

Laura had packed the box for her, so Carmilla had no idea what was inside, but knowing her wife, it’d be something that would reduce Carmilla to a crumbling mess within a matter of minutes.

She reached into the box and the first thing she felt was soft, squishy material. She smiled and pulled it out.

Laura’s yellow pillow.

Carmilla hugged it to her chest immediately and nuzzled into it, breathing it in. The ache she’d felt since leaving Colorado eased slightly. She closed her eyes as a memory came to the forefront of her mind.

-

_Carmilla knocked on the doorframe of Laura’s bedroom then put her hands in the back pocket of her jeans and rocked back and forth on her heels._

_Laura, who’d been looking out of the window with her back to Carmilla, turned and smiled sadly. Her move to Colorado had come round fast, too fast._

_“You all packed, cupcake?” Carmilla asked, trying not to let the dread she was feeling show in her voice._

_“Pretty much, but I can’t find my yellow pillow. I think my dad’s already packed it and forgotten to tell me. I mean it’s not the end of the world it’s just confusing because it’s like- a pillow, you know? There’s only so many places it could be…I’m not too bothered about taking it anyway but…” Laura continued to ramble as she looked around the room, avoiding Carmilla’s gaze. Carmilla watched her, taking her in. God, she was going to miss her._

_Things had been tense between the two of them over the past week. They weren’t mad at each other by any means, but there was an amalgamation of guilt and sorrow and misery causing a slight strain on their relationship, or at least on their ability to communicate. Both of them were all too aware of the pain the other was in and both of them blamed themselves. Not completely, but enough._

_“That’s a box of your things that I found lying around. I didn’t know what you might need.” Laura explained, gesturing to a box on her now empty desk. Rested on top of it was Carmilla’s leather jacket that had been in Laura’s possession for the past couple of months._

_Carmilla wondered for a moment why it wasn’t inside the box, then was annoyed at herself for not realising the answer sooner. Laura didn’t want to give her the jacket back, and truthfully Carmilla didn’t want it back. She’d avoid that cliché at all costs. It all felt too much like a breakup already._

_She walked over to the jacket and picked it up. Then she looked at Laura, who was looking down sadly. Carmilla opened out the jacket in her hands then walked over to Laura and wrapped it around her shoulders._

_“Looks better on you anyways.” She said softly as Laura looked up to her, tears brimming in her eyes. Then it only took a split second for Laura to collapse into Carmilla, sobs wracking through her small frame. It took even less time for Carmilla to follow suit._

_Carmilla managed to move them to sit on a free spot on the mattress. Laura was pretty much curled up in her lap, her fists clenched in Carmilla’s hoodie. Eventually the crying subsided, but they stayed clinging to one another. Carmilla was first to break the painful silence._

_“I think I might go mad without you. I know it’s not forever but…I miss you already.”_

_Laura sniffled and shook her head. “No, Carm. We can’t be like that. Being away from you is going to break my heart but- we can’t fall apart. If we do then we’ll never make it back to each other. Okay?”_

_Carmilla nodded. “Okay. Okay.” Then she pulled Laura into her chest and kissed the top of her head._

_“There’s like an hour until me and my Dad have to leave, I hope you don’t have to pee or anything because I’m not letting go of you until then.” Laura mumbled into her chest and Carmilla just chuckled._

_“Cupcake?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“I have a confession to make.”_

_“Go on…”_

_“I have your yellow pillow.”_

_“Is that so?” Laura didn’t look up at her but Carmilla could hear the smile in her voice. She was an expert on Laura by now._

_“I don’t know how it happened, honestly. I just walked into my room a couple days ago and…poof. There it was.”_

_“Poof?” Laura’s voice sounded steady and serious but her body was shaking slightly from silent laughing and it gave her away._

_Carmilla laughed aloud, it was light and almost carefree. “Yes, poof.”_

_“This is no laughing matter, Carmilla. My wife is a kleptomaniac. I’m furious…- Also say poof one more time for me.”_

_-_

Carmilla took in the scent of the pillow one last time, then placed it at the top of her bed. It didn’t really go with the rest of her dark bedding, but she liked that.

She reached back into the box and felt cold metal. It was a picture frame. The frame was silver with words engraved along the bottom.

_I am but one small strand of your collective brilliance, but I promise to you now, that has always been, and will always be, enough. I love you._

It was an excerpt from Beau Taplin’s poem that Carmilla put in her vows. She smiled and ran her fingers over the etching. There was a post-it note stuck on the glass over the photo. It just read ‘The ~~Worst~~ Best Reunion Ever’ in Laura’s handwriting.

Carmilla, with tears in her eyes, removed the note and studied the photo, already knowing what it would be. It was herself and Laura stood next to a yellow and brown sign that read:

_Independence Pass_

_Elevation 12, 095 Feet_

_Continental Divide_

No longer trusting her legs, she sat down on the bed next to the box. She leaned forward resting her elbows on her knees and touched the image of Laura in the frame.

-

**2 Missed Calls (9:15pm): Laura**

**Laura (9:21pm):** _Hey you. So…you missed our pre-graduation phone date? You’re twenty minutes late :( We said 9pm my time and 11pm your time, right? I’m sure there’s a good reason…maybe you’ve fallen asleep…but I guess I’m kind of disappointed that I don’t get to wish you luck for tomorrow. I mean- I had a whole ‘I’m so proud of you’ speech planned out and everything ;) Anyways, I guess I’ll just have to type it out to you in the morning instead :P Just text me when you get chance, Carm. Love you x_

**Laura (9:47pm):** _And maybe just…let me know next time! You never miss our Skype dates for ANYTHING! You could have at least text me. Or better yet reply now and stop making your wife worry._

**Laura (10:35pm):** _Still worried over here Carm. There’s just no way you’ve fallen asleep because you’re basically a vampire and there’s no way you’d miss our date without telling me because you’re you. I’ve tried calling your mom and Mattie but there’s no answer…and I don’t know why I think texting you all this will help this situation but I kind of don’t know what else to do!!!_

**3 Missed Calls (10:46pm): Laura**

_Shit. Carmilla ran a hand through her hair as her phone started up and the notifications flooded through. She immediately went to type out a quick message reassuring Laura that she was at least alive and then her phone cut off- again- before she could send it. Shit, shit, shit._

_She managed to refrain from launching it out of the window._

_She almost ushered the cab driver to speed up but she held her tongue, aware that getting kicked out of this cab could be counter-productive._

_Admittedly, she could have ran or at least caught a bus from the airport if it wasn’t the first time she’d taken the route, but it was. Plus, the distance in a cab was probably no more than a ten-minute drive and Carmilla had spent enough time away from her wife. It was early June. The last time Carmilla had seen Laura in person was early April. It’d been two months since she’d been with her. Kissed her. Held her. Touched her._

_And it really felt as though the universe wanted to prolong that time when the plane she was taking to surprise Laura ended up just sat on the tarmac for almost three hours due to fuel issues. To make matters worse, Carmilla had put her mobile in her suitcase (assuming there’d be no need for it) and therefore was literally unreachable for the duration of that time._

_As if all of that commotion hadn’t created enough urgency, receiving Laura’s frantic texts and worried calls made getting to her all the more imperative, if that was even possible. The last thing Carmilla wanted was for this surprise visit to turn sour- more than it already had at least._

_Yep, this was going to be difficult to explain to Laura._

_So with that in mind, it was more than understandable that when a quicker way to Laura and her father’s apartment presented itself in the form of a no doubt extortionate cab driver, Carmilla all but jumped through the window anyway._

_She bit her nails nervously and at the same time made eye contact with the driver through his mirror. She could only see his eyes but she didn’t miss the smile in them. He had kind eyes, wrinkled at the corners. In any other situation she’d probably have chatted to him, let him tell her a story and actually enjoyed the ride. She could have let some casual conversation calm her anxiety._

_Instead she checked her watch again. 1:49am. For a second she had a momentary heart attack before she realised that her watch hadn’t set itself to the correct time zone. Duh._

_It was actually 11:49pm there in Colorado._

_Forty-five-ish minutes since she’d landed. Over an hour since Laura had last text (as far she knew thanks to her damn phone). Nearly three hours since she was supposed to call Laura and a whole lifetime since she’d entered this cab it seemed._

_(In truth it had only been a few minutes.)_

_“You visiting or coming home?” The driver asked as he braked at a stop sign._

_Carmilla smiled through her worry as she thought about the question. “Both, I guess.”_

_“Ahh, I’ve seen that look before. Boyfriend? Girlfriend?”_

_“Wife, actually.”_

_Carmilla saw his eyebrows raise slightly in the rear-view, probably having noticed how young she was, but his eyes were smiling still. She appreciated his acceptance._

_“How long’s it been since you’ve seen her?”_

_Carmilla looked down, cheeks reddening a little. Was she that obvious?_

_“Just two months.”_

_He chuckled a little. “There’s no need to play it down, miss. I imagine being sat in this car with me has been five minutes too long.”_

_She scrunched her face, silently agreeing, earning another laugh from the cab driver. He asked her a few more questions about Laura then suddenly the car was stopping and the engine was being cut. Carmilla looked out of the window and up at a grey apartment block. Apparently they’d arrived._

_She looked at the cab driver who was looking at her with a smug look on his face. “Time goes a lot quicker when your minds occupied, doesn’t it?” Then he gave her a wink._

_Carmilla grinned. “Thank you. Really. How much do I owe you?”_

_The man shook his head. “It’s my pleasure. And before you object, it’s on the house on one condition.”_

_Carmilla tilted her head, intrigued. “Okay…”_

_He pointed across the street to a grocery store. “Get yourself in there and get your lady some flowers.”_

_***_

_Carmilla’s heart was beating so hard she could feel it in her head. There was that much adrenaline pumping through her that her cheeks were reddening and heat was creeping up her neck._

_She stood her suitcase up beside her and nervously glanced at the rather expensive but completely worth it bouquet of White Calla Lillies._

_With her free hand, she knocked on the apartment door._

_She listened and heard shuffling then footsteps on hardwood floor._

_The door swung open and Laura Hollis stood there, frozen and as if she’d seen a ghost._

_Carmilla took advantage of her wife’s motionless state to study her._

_Laura looked better. Tons better. She had a complexion again and her face still looked a little gaunt but her cheekbones weren’t nearly as visible as they’d been two months ago._

_When Laura had assured Carmilla that things were looking up on each one of their phone dates she hadn’t wanted to get her hopes up, but seeing Laura in the flesh looking so much healthier (albeit slightly angry)– there was no stopping the way her heart lifted. The trial was working, and here was the proof._

_The sight made her grin and she felt tears of happiness prick her eyes. She looked into Laura’s eyes and gathered that the other girl must have been crying prior to even opening the door. Her eyes were red and blotchy and it reminded Carmilla that, to Laura, she’d been AWOL for the past few hours with no reason. The guilt flooded through her._

_She was about to begin her explanation/apology when Laura’s arms were wrapped around her neck pulling her impossibly closer. Carmilla buried her face into her wife’s neck as they stood embracing in the hallway of the apartment building. She raked her fingers up and down Laura’s back, feeling that she was there and she was real, while Laura had her hands in Carmilla’s hair and was occasionally kissing the side of Carmilla’s head. Neither of them moved to pull away for a long time and both of them were crying._

_They held each other, allowing it to heal the aching and yearning of the past two months._

_Carmilla was prepared to stay in that moment forever but then there was space, cold cold space between them once more._

_Before Carmilla could question it Laura, with a now bunched up tear-stricken face, gave her a half-hearted shove in the shoulder- it didn’t hurt but the message was definitely clear. The bundle of fury before her looked so conflicted that Carmilla kind of wanted to smile, but when Laura grabbed the Lillies from her hand then stormed back into the apartment, slamming the door behind her, she kind of just wanted to cry a little more._

_***_

Thump. Thump. Thump.

 _“Laura, open the door. Please.” Carmilla bumped her head against it after asking- no,_ pleading _\- for the hundredth time. “At least let me explain. Then you can decide whether to let me in or not.”_

_Carmilla held her breath and listened for some sign of confirmation or movement from inside the apartment. She pressed an ear to the wood, just in case._

_“I’m listening.” Laura’s croaky voice came from right on the other side of the door. Carmilla’s heart swelled as she imagined Laura having been sat there this whole time, just to be close to her._

_Carmilla sat down and leaned sideways against the door. She took in a deep breath._

_“I was supposed to be here by nine so that when you sat down for our phone date I could knock on the door and surprise you. But- I ended up being stuck on the plane for like an extra two hours and my stupid phone died or broke or whatever so I couldn’t contact you and I tried to get to you as fast as I could and I’m just so sorry that I made you worry like that.”_

_Carmilla let out the breath she’d been holding and rolled her eyes at her own rambling. Laura had definitely rubbed off on her._

_“Three hours you had me worried for. Three hours, Carmilla. I was going out of my mind.” Any annoyance seemed to have faded, and all that was left in Laura’s voice was exhaustion and maybe a little dejection. It told Carmilla that the only thing keeping Laura from letting her in now was her stubbornness._

_“I know, baby. I’m sorry. But I’m here now- so let me in. This is torture. You’re right there and I can’t even see you when it’s all I’ve wanted to do for the past two months.” Carmilla found herself pressing herself into the door as much as was humanly possible. She ached to be on the other side of it._

_“Do you know what’s worse than this, Carmilla? Thinking something had happened to you. Just the thought of it made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. Look, I know I’m being irrational and it’s not really your fault but the past few hours have been awful and-” Laura’s voice cracked a little and Carmilla was really starting to hate this door. How durable is oak?_

_“Open the door, Laura.” Carmilla said sternly this time as she stood up. She wasn’t asking anymore._

_After a pause she heard the lock click and Laura reappeared as the door opened. She stepped forward and with one hand she took Carmilla’s suitcase handle and with the other she interlocked their fingers, pulling both into the apartment._

_Carmilla shut the door behind her and studied Laura’s new home. It wasn’t as homely as the Hollis residence that she knew and loved back in Beaufort, but it was nice. It was open plan; the kitchen area was to the right- with a three-seater breakfast bar- and the living room to the left. Right ahead of her was a small hallway with four doors._

_That was all the attention she was willing to give the apartment._

_Carmilla watched Laura put her case down by the dining table then turn back to her, taking her hand again. The two of them looked at one another for a moment._

_Carmilla had a thousand things to say on the tip of her tongue._

_I missed you. I love you. I need you._

_She couldn’t say them though, because her eyes were darting down to Laura’s lips and all she could think about was that she hadn’t felt them on her in two months._

_All she could feel was frustration at the fact she’d been back with Laura for at least an hour and hadn’t kissed her._

_Laura, seemingly reading her mind, moved forward and captured Carmilla’s lips with her own. It was long and slow. It was all consuming. It was remembering._

_It was coming home._

_***_

_“Happy Graduation day, babe.”_

_“Why thank you cupcake.” Carmilla kissed the skin of Laura’s bare back as they lay in bed together the next morning. “Er, it’s a bit late to ask now but- where’s your Dad? Please tell me he’s not in the apartment…” Carmilla’s eyes widened as she thought about the previous night’s antics, and the mental repercussions it would have on all three of them if the Reverend had listened to hers and Laura’s reunion/makeup sex._

_Laura rolled over in Carmilla’s arms so they were facing, giggling at the worried look on her wife’s face. However, every bad feeling seemed to disappear from inside of her at the vision before her. Even after just waking up, Laura looked amazing. Carmilla had always thought her beautiful but now, she could see the life returning to Laura and it brought her happiness she never imagined to feel._

_“Carm, do you really think I would have let last night happen if my dad was home? Do you think we’d both still be breathing?” Laura asked with raised eyebrows and Carmilla got the point. “He’s started volunteering at the homeless shelter a couple nights a week up here, now that I don’t need round the clock care. Last night was his first night. Which I would have told you on our phone date if you’d have showed up for it.” Laura nudged at her playfully and Carmilla was about to apologise again but was cut off with a kiss._

_Carmilla sighed happily, “I’ve missed that. You interrupting me.”_

_“So much that you couldn’t wait one more day?” Laura said and Carmilla huffed, she’d been waiting for that._

_“Cupcake, you do know you don’t have to go to graduation to actually graduate, right? I’d rather be here with you.”_

_“But I hate that you missed out on that moment though, Carmilla. I mean, it was one day…”_

_“When I found out I’d gotten into UNC I booked the first flights available to me. It’s complete coincidence that they were a day before graduation. I’d have been here much sooner if I could have because honestly? No. I couldn’t have waited another_ second _to see you, let alone a day.”_

_Laura relented at that and Carmilla could see that she understood, so she closed her eyes and snuggled closer to her. She truly could have laid there all day- scratch that, all week- with her wife but she’d made plans for today and, come hell or high water, these plans were going to work out._

_***_

_“Carm, we need to get a picture of the two of us in front of this.” Laura called over to her from her place at the foot of the large yellow and brown sign._

_Carmilla, who was lay close by on a grassy banking by a small pond, just hummed in response. She loved her wife, but the past five hours in the car had been trying to say the least. They would switch between bickering over directions and what music to play, to Laura occasionally nibbling on her earlobe or rubbing the inside of her thigh. All of which sent Carmilla crazy, one way or another._

_So needless to say, she was enjoying relaxing on the grass with the sun on her face. Until she could no longer feel it on her face and frowned. She opened her eyes and jumped at the sight of Laura standing over her, hands on her hips and eyebrows raised._

_“Can I help you, creampuff?”_

_“I asked if we could take a picture!”_

_“Where’s the fire, cupcake? I’m resting.” Carmilla closed her eyes again and settled herself back into the comfortable position she’d adopted in the grass._

_“But the sun’s going down-“ The rest of that sentence didn’t come, and instead Carmilla heard a long sigh. “You know what, Carm? You’re right. I think I’m gonna rest too.”_

_Laura’s voice sounded far too high-pitched to be serious, and Carmilla’s suspicions were confirmed when she felt the entire weight of her wife on top of her._

_She let out a strangled huff, to which Laura just giggled. “No no no no no. Get off of me. I mean it, creampuff. Unless you wanna hitchhike home I suggest-“_

_“What’s that, babe? You want me to get off? If only there was something you could offer me as an incentive…” Laura feigned innocence and Carmilla hated herself for finding it cute._

_“FINE. Get your damn camera, cutie.”_

-

A single teardrop fell from Carmilla’s cheek onto the photo frame in her hands. It brought her out of the memory and back into her lonely dorm room. She stood from the bed and placed the picture on her the shelf at the head of her bed.

"Who is she?"

Betty's voice from behind her made her jump and she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Um- what? I mean- who?" Carmilla cringed at the tremble in her own voice. 

"The girl in the pic..." Betty said as she strode past and flopped down on her bed, opening up her laptop, showing no indication that she'd even notice if Carmilla didn't respond to her question. From most people, Carmilla would have interpreted that as slightly rude, but Betty didn't seem like that kind of person. She seemed like the kind of person that wouldn't push Carmilla to share if she wasn't willing to. 

However, for the sake of making an effort with her new roommate, Carmilla held up her left hand and pointed to her ring finger. "My wife, actually." 

Betty looked up, her raised eyebrows giving away her surprise. "Wow. _That_ I was not expecting." 

Carmilla chuckled. "Yeah, it's a long story. Things have been kind of wild this past year."

"I'll bet..." Betty regarded Carmilla for a moment then patted the space next to her on the bed. "Start from the beginning, Karnstein...”

 Over the course of the following hours, Carmilla had told the story of herself and Laura to her very interested new roommate. At intervals they’d ordered pizza and Carmilla had gone on a snack run.

“So that’s that. And here I am…” Carmilla sighed as she finally came to the end of the story.

Her roommate regarded her for a moment, probably figuring out how to respond to the insight she’d gotten into Carmilla’s life before she came to college. Carmilla gave a half smile and played with the ring on her finger. She’d managed not to cry as she’d relayed the story to Betty but, emotionally, she was now pretty exhausted.

“Does it get easier?” Betty asked.

She certainly wasn’t ready for that question. Carmilla glanced at the cardboard box that she hadn’t even finished unpacking earlier. The yellow pillow also there in her peripheral. The tears began to well and she breathed in deeply.

“No, it doesn’t. I guess I’m not-I’m not quite there yet.”

***

When Carmilla woke the next morning, Betty was already up and out. She recalled her saying something about an early taster lesson for some language class.

After the heavy talk last night, Carmilla had found it easy to get to sleep, curled around Laura’s yellow pillow. She snuggled her face into it and lay there for a few more minutes before getting out of bed to use the bathroom.

As she walked back in she accidentally kicked the cardboard box on the floor by her bed. She picked it up and placed it onto her mattress. She pulled out what turned out to be some of Laura’s favourite books (annotated of course), a mixed tape, and Laura’s favourite hoodie. The final thing in the box was a small, handwritten note.

_My beautiful Carmilla,_

_Firstly, Happy First Day of College! I am beyond proud of you. Go kick ass._

_Secondly, stop walking around like I’m dead. Seriously. I would bet a lot of money right now that half of the campus already thinks you’re a widower. Heads up, you’re not._

_You actually have a hot, sexy wife living in Colorado, who’s actually very much alive these days. So stop brooding and enjoy yourself._

_I miss you too._

_Do not forget about our phone date on Sunday night! I want to hear all about your first day there! (I totally don’t care if your roommate's drop-dead gorgeous. Not at all.)_

_I hope you like the moving in presents I packed you. I know that I stole the yellow pillow back off of you over the summer but I knew you’d need it, so you’re welcome._

_I love you._

_Laura_


	15. Normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL HELLO. I hope everyone had a good Christmas & New Year! I clearly spent mine NOT writing ;) Guys, the end is nigh. This is the penultimate chapter. Only one left. Enjoy.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's still along for the ride <3

“This is a remarkable moment in your lives, one that will no doubt be among the most memorable of life’s milestones...”

Some past student who’d gone on to be a successful entertainment innovator (or something, she’d missed that part) began his commencement speech, and Carmilla shuffled uncomfortably on the bleachers.

Four years ago when she’d graduated from high school, she’d missed out on the actual graduation ceremony part, so needless to say she wasn’t prepared at all for the _mundaneness_ of the whole thing.

Even her (huge) sense of self-pride (that she’d never actually show) couldn’t save her from the sheer boredom she was experiencing. So she sat restlessly in her Carolina blue graduation gown, under the intense heat of the sun, and peered out into the crowd for a moment.

The stadium was filled to the brim, and any hope of spotting a familiar face was definitely hopeless.

Carmilla’s phone vibrated in her hand and she looked down.

**Laura (9:11am):** We’re all seated now, babe. Try not to look too bored like I know you will be ;)

Carmilla rolled her eyes. Laura knew her too well. Before she could type a reply it buzzed again.

**Laura (9:12am):** Have I mentioned how proud I am of you today? Because I am SO proud of you.

**Carmilla (9:12am):** Nope, you only mentioned it like a dozen times. But you can SHOW me later if you like, over and over again until I get the message ;)

**Laura (9:13am):** Seriously? I’m sat in between your mom and my dad right now! Now stop texting me inappropriately and listen to the cool guy speak. You might learn somethin’.

**Carmilla (9:14am):** Yes, ma’am. I love you x

Carmilla smiled to herself and focused her attention back to the speaker.

He spoke about his own graduation in that very stadium some years ago, and Carmilla prepared herself for the typical Cinderella story- the ‘started from the bottom’ and ‘never gave up’ cliché. But then the speech took a turn as he shared a story about losing a loved one shortly after graduation, and the struggles that came thereafter.

“Adversity is a vital part of growth, of life.” He went on. “Hardship strengthens each of us in ways that triumph and attainment cannot. The highlights and accomplishments of one’s life might make for good stories and look good on a resume or in a photo album, but believe me, it’s your journey through the difficulties and through the lows that will really define you.”

Carmilla wanted to listen to the rest of the speech, but his words got her thinking. She thought of her own adversities, of Laura’s. How far they’d both come in the past five years. People would probably just assume that their greatest adversity had been Laura’s illness, but upon reflection, Carmilla disagreed.

Laura had fought like hell, she’d endured and she’d won. The clinical trial had been a success and the day Laura got the all clear was no doubt the happiest day of both their lives; a highlight. Yes, there had been adversity getting there, struggles and heartache and not knowing, but they’d pulled each other through it. They had both remained united, and by the end of Carmilla’s first year at college, Laura was healthy again.

Laura started her first year at Colorado State as Carmilla started her second at UNC. Pretty soon they were a ‘normal’ married couple, but in college. So not _quite_ normal, but definitely getting there, she’d thought at least.

However, that’s where the adversity had started, when the normal arrived.

College was hard. Marriage was harder. College _plus_ marriage was frankly, unmanageable. Especially when that marriage was long distance.

-

_With everyone’s support, Carmilla was settling into college life quite well. Her and Betty got along just fine and there was always the same group of people she spoke to in her classes, who soon enough she became good friends with._

_She and Laura had phone dates on Tuesday’s and then as time went on they both learned when the other might be free for a quick chance call throughout the week._

_Like today for instance, as Carmilla stepped out of the building where she’d just had her first semester Biology class and into cold December air, she knew that Laura would have just finished her Monday morning yoga session. They’d be able to chat for around an hour before Laura had to go for a bout of treatment or a check up._

_As she began her walk home and pulled out her phone to dial Laura’s number, she was already smiling. Carmilla had been many things since starting college: lovesick, stressed, exhausted, and deflated amongst many other things. The only remedy for it and the only thing that could put a smile on her face through the bad days was talking to Laura._

_Carmilla was terrified of jinxing anything, but she knew that Laura was out of the woods - she could just feel it. The trial was a breakthrough. It was saving Laura’s life, and now they were almost just your average high school sweethearts, dealing with the struggles of a long distance relationship and trying to not let the distance tear them apart._

_Almost._

_Out of the woods or not, Laura had to stay in Colorado for the indefinite future, they both knew and accepted that. So, over their many phone calls, Carmilla helped Laura draw up a new plan. It filled both of them with unimaginable joy, to be able to talk about the future, even if they were going to miles apart._

_Carmilla hit dial and took in a deep breath of winter air, waiting to hear the most beautiful voice in the world._

_“Hey, piner.”_

_“Hello, piniest.” Carmilla retorted - Laura had definitely pined more than her last week, even Betty had called her gross._

_“Touché. How are you, babe?”_

_“I’m good, we just learned about brain sex in biology so its been an interesting morning. You?”_

_“Oh yeah we covered that in yoga class too…”_

_“Huh, really? Did you send Hannah my love?” Carmilla asked in a voice that sounded as sour as the look on her face._

_Hannah was Laura’s blonde, hot, yoga instructor and Hannah was also definitely_ very _into Laura._

_It only drove Carmilla_ slightly _crazy._

_Laura huffed through the phone. “Carm, we talked about this at Thanksgiving.”_

_“I’m kidding! Kind of. Do you think I marked my territory enough though?”_

_“At Thanksgiving? Definitely. If I were a tree I’d have been covered in pee.”_

_“Mission accomplished.” Carmilla grinned as Laura failed to hold back a laugh._

_“What happened to ‘love is never jealous’ huh?”_

_Carmilla snorted. “Ha! Cupcake, please. I am_ not _jealous.”_

_“Really? It’s okay if you are. I mean I was totally jealous of Betty at first…”_

_Carmilla actually stopped walking in the middle of the street. “You cannot be serious. She’s twice the size of me- that’s just not a height difference I could entertain. And okay, I might be a little jealous of Hannah and her yoga biceps.”_

_Laura laughed again through the phone as Carmilla decided to sit down on a bench in the park she was walking through._

_“Jealous you is kind of hot, Carm. I can just imagine your pout right now.”_

_“You’re loving this.”_

_“Every minute, babe.”_

-

**Laura (9:25am):** I love you too, babe. Always x

The text alert brought Carmilla from the memory and she realised that someone else had replaced the previous speaker now. She was slightly disappointed that she’d missed the end of the speech, but she knew her mother would have filmed the whole thing, so she’d no doubt hear the rest of it at some point.

Carmilla looked back down to Laura’s text and smiled. They said ‘I love you’ nearly everyday, but they saved ‘always’ for the special moments, the moments when they needed it, when they really truly meant it.

Yes, ‘always’ had saved them more than once over the past few years in Carmilla’s opinion, and hell, had they needed saving.

At first it was easy to laugh off any adversity, to brush annoyances like Hannah the yoga instructor under the rug and to find the long distance thing actually kind of cute and romantic. Initially, Carmilla appreciated the struggles. The good, the bad and the ugly. Because it was _normal_. It wasn’t life or death.

Plus, after Laura’s miracle recovery, Carmilla had all of the perspective she needed: ‘Laura’s going to go to University in Colorado and is going to be hundreds of miles away for the next four years? No sweat, at least she’s still on the planet with you. At least you’ll be with her one day.’ That’s what Carmilla would replay over and over in her mind and for a while, it worked.

When she and Laura would fight over the silliest of things, like every couple does, she always tried to remind herself to rise above it and that any quarrels were insignificant compared to what her and Laura had already overcome.

However, the longer they were apart and the busier they both became, the more Carmilla’s positive perspective waned, along with Laura’s.

Being the bigger person proved difficult for them on many occasions. They were both passionate about many things, but mostly about each other, so of course there were arguments.

Soon enough, in the Christmas break of Carmilla’s second year at UNC and Laura’s first at Colorado State, the cracks started to show.

-

_“Dad! Carm’s here- oof. I’m okay!” Laura’s grunt was followed by a thud on the other side of the door and Carmilla shook her head. Her wife was such a puppy dog._

_“Laura, why are you on the floor? Don’t leave Carmilla waiting outside.”_

_“You know what, Dad, you’re right. How rude of me.”_

_“Sarcasm doesn’t become you, young lady-“_

_“Guys. Really?” Carmilla was confused as to why she always seemed to be on the wrong side of this door. It seemed every time she was in Colorado she struggled to actually enter the apartment._

_The door finally opened and both Laura and Carmilla let out a long sigh, completely in sync. They did it every time they were reunited, and hadn’t even realised it until Laura’s father pointed it out a few reunions ago._

_“Hey.” Laura hadn’t stopped smiling and her eyes were shining._

_“Hey.” Carmilla tried to keep her own resolve, as she was aware they were in the presence of the Reverend. “Hello, sir.” She nodded to him, barely taking her eyes off of Laura._

_Mr Hollis stepped forward so that he stood in between the two of them and placed a firm hand on Carmilla’s shoulder, it was their version of a hug, she guessed._

_“It’s good to have you home, Carmilla.” He then bent to pick up her suitcase and moved it into the apartment, that’s when Carmilla noticed he was wearing his coat and had his car keys in his hand. Following him inside, she was about to ask if he was leaving when-_

_“You ready to go, Mr Hollis?”_

_Carmilla didn’t even need to turn round to know whom the voice belonged to, but when she did she wasn’t any less disappointed. Did yoga instructors ever not where yoga pants? Was it like a rule, even when they weren’t instructing?_

_“Sorry Hannah, I was just welcoming Carmilla back for Christmas break.” The Reverend said walking over to the door to join the waiting blonde._

_“Oh! Glad you’re here Carmilla, Laura’s been banging on about it for weeks at our classes. It’s just been ‘Carm this, Carm that.’” Hannah greeted her sweetly, too sweetly. It might have been convincing if she hadn’t been staring at Laura the whole time she spoke._

_When Carmilla failed to answer Laura cleared her throat and Carmilla managed a fake smile and a chuckle._

_“Aha. Well I’ve missed her too and I’m glad to be back. Um, where are you guys going? You don’t look dressed for yoga, Mr Hollis?” Carmilla joked, finding her confidence again._

_Everyone laughed, and Carmilla hoped it wasn’t obvious that she was actually dying to know the answer._

_“Hannah has been joining me at the homeless shelter here and there, whenever she can.”_

_It was petty, but Carmilla didn’t love how fondly Laura’s father was looking at Hannah, and she definitely hated how fondly Laura was looking at Hannah. This was what life was like when Carmilla was in North Carolina. It made her feel like an outsider._

_Hannah had been in Laura’s life for over a year now, and every time Carmilla had met her she’d notice how the tall blonde would look at Laura, especially when she thought no one was watching. Laura had made a lot of friends in Colorado, but the only one she disliked was Hannah, because she was the only one who looked at Laura the way Carmilla looked at Laura._

_She knew she shouldn’t let it bother her and she trusted Laura of course, but it still did. Hannah got more time with Laura- and Carmilla didn’t like how that meant that Hannah was a bigger part of Laura’s life than she was._

_“That’s good of you.” Carmilla said through gritted teeth and a tense jaw._

_“We should be going. Girls, I’ll be back later to take you out for dinner, my treat!” A cheerful Mr Hollis said to the couple as he turned and walked down the hall._

_“It was nice to see you again, Carmilla. I’m sure I’ll see you soon. See you tomorrow, Laur.” Hannah waved, closing the door and following after Carmilla’s father-in-law._

_Laur? Tomorrow? Ugh._

_She turned round to face Laura and was about to question, well,_ all _of that interaction when Laura’s lips were on hers and Carmilla couldn’t help but melt._

_“Bed. Now.” Laura said in a low voice, in between biting Carmilla’s bottom lip._

_Being petty and jealous could definitely wait._

_***_

_Carmilla opened the collar on her shirt and splashed some cold water on her neck in an effort to cool down. It failed of course, because it wasn’t her body temperature that needed cooling down, it was the white-hot rage that was searing through her._

_She stared at the restroom door, knowing that she should probably return to their table. Not that anyone would be missing her, the three of them barely noticed her leave. Yes, the three of them. Laura, Mr Hollis and Hannah._

_When Mr Hollis had pulled up in the restaurant parking lot with the yoga teacher still in the passenger side, Carmilla already knew what was coming. From then the evening just went bad to worse. The minute they’d sat at the table, Hannah had run the show, taking advantage of Carmilla’s quiet, disappointed state._

_Carmilla’s life at college was so hectic that she barely had holidays, and time away from classes and studying was spent volunteering at hospitals, attending pre-med camp and getting involved in research._

_Any of her free time went to Laura, so needless to say it was frustrating when the scarce amount of time they did have together had to be shared with Hannah. As much as she wanted to she just couldn’t mask her frustration, not completely anyway._

_She’d made it through the appetisers and the main, being talked at and told stories about memories that all seemed to include Hannah and definitely not her. She’d ignored the way Hannah would stare at Laura’s mouth when she was talking and place a hand on Laura’s whenever she laughed or spoke excitedly._

_Laura was driving, so Carmilla decided that drinking would be her coping mechanism for the evening. It was like a game: ‘Drink every time Hannah flirts, touches or eyes your wife in a way that’s more than friendly. Take an even bigger drink every time the yoga instructor smirks at your reaction to it!’_

_With the help of alcohol, Carmilla smiled and laughed with them and held on to the part of herself that_ was _genuinely happy with how Laura’s life was now. Laura was living, like_ really _living and Carmilla was so thankful for it. She just wished she was more a part of it, and that she didn’t have to be so jealous of someone that was._

_The last straw was during dessert, when Laura got some chocolate sauce on her chin. Carmilla chuckled silently and was about to let her know when Hannah leaned over the table and slowly wiped it off herself, letting her hand linger just below Laura’s lips and laughing about needing to get Laura a bib. What really got Carmilla riled however, was the way Hannah glanced over to her as she did it, expecting some sort of reaction._

_Mr Hollis was too engrossed in the drinks menu to notice the interaction, while Laura chuckled awkwardly but quickly moved the conversation on, despite being clearly uncomfortable._

_Carmilla wondered how many times an oblivious Hannah made her wife feel that way. Frowning, Carmilla excused herself from the table to go to the restroom. She was torn. Was she just being too possessive? Or was Hannah actually crossing a line, and if she was, why wasn’t Laura doing anything about it?_

_She just stood hunched over the sink, staring into the mirror trying to convince herself that she was just crazy, that this woman wasn’t actively trying to pursue Laura._

_Carmilla wasn’t crazy though; she’d just watched Laura become uncomfortable with her own two eyes. She didn’t know Hannah, not really, but she knew Laura and she knew when something was wrong._

_Deciding that this wasn’t the time or the place for her revelations, the brunette turned to the door, just as Laura walked through it._

_Laura looked slightly unsure as she stopped a couple of feet away._

_“Hey.”_

_“I was just coming back, cupcake.”_

_“That’s okay, dad and Hannah just left actually, something came up at the shelter so he’s gonna drop Hannah off home then go straight there. They said to tell you bye.”_

_“Ahh right, sorry- I didn’t realise I was in here for so long...”_

_“Everything okay? You’ve been quiet all night. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drink so much in one meal.” Laura joked._

_This was it, Carmilla thought. She could enjoy the rest of her night with Laura or speak her mind and ruin it. She held her breath as she struggled with the decision._

_Instead of hashing it out in the bathroom, Carmilla took Laura’s hand and lead her to the car. When they got in but Laura didn’t start the engine Carmilla guessed they’d be talking there and then. Her head suddenly felt cloudy, and for the first time that night she actually felt more than a little drunk._

_“Carm, talk to me.” The smaller woman spoke softly as she sat sideways in the car seat to face Carmilla, and reached out to tuck some hair behind her ear._

_“Is Hannah always like that?” Carmilla asked quietly, searching Laura’s eyes. She could feel tears in her own eyes and cursed herself for drinking so much; she had little control over her emotions when drunk._

_The softness in her wife’s hazel eyes disappeared, and was replaced by a rare defensive look, one that Carmilla didn’t see often._

_“Like what?” Laura feigned confusion, but it wasn’t enough and Carmilla could see right through it. She suddenly felt very hot again._

_“Like...oh I don’t know…like wiping food off of your face and looking at you like you’re the fucking sun.” It came out bitter and jealous and Carmilla cringed at herself._

_“It’s nothing- it’s just how she is. She’s my_ friend _, Carm. That’s all I see her as. That’s all there is.” Laura shook her head but her expression gave her away. She knew that for Hannah there was more._

_Carmilla let out a humourless laugh, disappointed in Laura’s denial. “But it’s not the way that she sees you, and it doesn’t seem to matter to her that it’s unreciprocated. I saw how uncomfortable it made you, Laura. So I’m asking again, is she like that all of the time?”_

_Laura looked hesitant to answer, but eventually she relented. “I-it’s just how she is. It’s not all the time but I guess it’s there, I do see it- but Carm I swear I don’t encourage it.”_

_“But you don’t stop it, either. Even though it clearly makes you uneasy- or is that just when your wife’s got a front row seat?” Carmilla was becoming angrier than she could help._

_Laura’s eyebrows raised and then went back down into a frown. “She’s the best friend that I have here and I don’t want to lose that.”_

_“Oh my god. I’m trying desperately not to pull any possessive-wife crap here, Laura. But your best friend is a woman who is clearly head over heels for you, who literally can’t keep her hands off you. She doesn’t seem to care whether it upsets me OR you. Can you please try to understand why that bothers me? I’m barely a part of your life as it is, and then I come here and I have to see stuff like that? Have to share OUR time with her? I’d never dictate to you how you should live your life or who you should have in it, Laura, but I honestly don’t know how to be okay with this. I just don’t.”_

_Laura leaned forward at that and cupped Carmilla’s cheeks firmly. “I get it, I do. But she’s not head over heels for me- she has a crush- but she’ll get over it. I’m never going to want her. You are the biggest part of my life, Carmilla. You’re my world.”_

_Carmilla shook her head, pulling away. “Well I felt like an outsider in that world today, Laura, and I don’t think you_ do _get it.”_

_Laura’s eyes were shining and Carmilla could see her panicking- she was about to comfort her and take it all back when Laura said something that she wouldn’t be able to unsay._

_“No, you- you’re NOT an outsider, Carmilla. You’re everything. All I do is think about you and talk about you. Hannah’s just here, that’s all. Like- I can’t help that she’s here and you’re not-”_

_Carmilla frowned, “Wait- what’s that supposed to mean?”_

_“I just mean- is this not more about you? About you being at UNC and not here?”_

_“Are you fucking serious? No, Laura. It’s not about that. It’s about you spending the majority of your time with a girl who has feelings for you. It’s about you not giving a fuck about how that makes me feel, and letting her become a huge part of your life anyway! God, I can’t imagine what you let her do when I’m not here, if when I am here she’s practically in your pocket, touching you every ten seconds and wiping dessert off of your fucking face! But_ thanks _for making it about how I abandoned you.”_

_Carmilla clambered out of the car and slammed the door put her hands behind her head, closing her eyes. She hated so much in that moment. She hated how she felt, the jealousy and the anger. She hated Hannah and the memory of her ogling Laura then looking over at Carmilla to make sure she was watching. She hated Laura for not understanding, and for knowing and letting it happen anyway._

_She felt like the eighteen-year-old she was before she fell for Laura. Irrational and angry. She hated that too._

_“Carm…” Laura croaked out from behind Carmilla, having followed her out of the car. Carmilla fought the urge to wrap her wife up in her arms; she was too far-gone for that now. She was irritated, feeling stupid and let down._

_She didn’t think she was asking for much. She just wanted Laura to get Hannah to understand the meaning of boundaries and make her respect the fucking sanctity of marriage like any decent human being would. Why couldn’t Laura see that?_

_She spun round to face Laura and walked toward her slowly. “I feel like you’re lacking perspective right now baby, so let me paint you a picture.” Carmilla’s voice was dripping with venom- it was out to hurt. “Imagine Betty has a little crush on me, it’s innocent at first- you and I both laugh about it, we brush it off. Then Betty starts to get grabby, touching my arm or my shoulder, looking at my lips and clearly wishing_ she _could kiss them, not you. Then I start bringing her to our reunion dinners with my parents- and instead of paying attention to you, who I’ve not seen in months, I spend the night reminding you of how little you’ve been in my life and exactly how much Betty has. All the while I act none-the-wiser, while Betty sits there and looks at me like she wants to fuck my brains out.” Carmilla ignored the way Laura winced at that. “To make matters worse, you can tell that Betty knows that you know, and she’s real fucking smug about it. You feel like you don’t belong there. It makes you sick to your stomach she leans over to brush my hair out of my eyes, then runs a thumb over my cheek- just like how you do it. You watch me cringe at the contact, and you don’t understand why I’m not stopping it. When you finally tell me how you feel, I deny it at first- I make you think you’re crazy. Then when I admit it, I basically say that it’s okay that it upsets you and it’s okay that it makes me uncomfortable, because that’s just the way the world works, cu-“_

_“Okay! Please, just stop. Please.” Laura begged, tears running freely down her face now, her hands placed flat against Carmilla’s chest. Carmilla quickly became aware that she’d backed the smaller woman up against the car, and was incredibly close to her- probably intimidatingly so. Her fears were confirmed when she look at Laura._

_“I’m sorry I-“ Carmilla stepped back immediately. For the first time in years, she’d just completely lost herself._

_“Everything okay?” A man asked as he walked by. Carmilla looked from him to her wife, a little ashamed. She turned and walked away, leaving Laura calling after her._

_***_

_It was late when Carmilla went back to the apartment. She’d gone to a bar for a few hours and gotten more drunk- then waited it out until she was sober enough to go back to Laura._

_She took out the key Laura had given her earlier that day and let herself in as quietly as possible. The apartment was dark like she’d expected it to be. Kicking off her shoes and jacket, she went to the fridge and took a swig of juice then turned round, preparing to sleep on the couch._

_Her heart swelled when she noticed Laura’s form, curled up with a small blanket over her legs. Her phone was in her hand and Carmilla felt a surge of guilt for switching hers off after running off._

_She padded over and knelt down beside Laura, taking her phone from her hands and setting it down on the coffee table. Even sleeping, there was a frown on the blonde’s face that Carmilla wished she hadn’t put there._

_She wasn’t angry anymore, she was tired, and with tiredness comes vulnerability and the only person she ever wanted to be vulnerable around was Laura- but Laura had hurt her- so she decided against talking and settled for just being_ near _to her wife._

_She sat on the floor with her back against the couch where Laura slept, and could feel the blonde’s breath on the back of her neck. She let it sooth her._

_Her position was uncomfortable as hell, but being close to Laura trumped lower back and butt pain any day._

_***_

_Carmilla awoke to the feeling of fingers running through her hair. The room was still dark when she opened her eyes and it didn’t feel as though she’d been asleep long. Despite the soft sensation on her head, the rest of her body starting from the neck down felt like a car had hit it._

_Begrudgingly she lifted her neck forward, away from the magical touch, and winced in pain has her neck reminded her of the awkward sitting position she’d slept in. She leaned forward and stretched her arms and back out, then looked over her shoulder at Laura._

_A small sliver of moonlight that was coming through a gap in the apartment blinds shone a line of light over Laura’s face. From that, Carmilla deciphered two things; Laura was now very much awake, and she was also crying._

_The tears on her cheeks glistened and all at once, a groggy Carmilla remembered every detail of the past evening._

_They were both still for a few moments, just gazing sadly at each other. Then, Laura scooted her whole body as far against the back of the couch as she could, seemingly to make room for the brunette._

_Carmilla didn’t move an inch though, until Laura lifted up the blanket that was covering her legs. When she did that, Carmilla moved up onto the couch and lay on her side, mimicking her wife’s position._

_It wasn’t a big couch, so there wasn’t much room for the two of them. The front of their legs and their chests were touching, faces inches apart. Carmilla felt Laura cover her with the blanket, and while it wasn’t the double bed she was used to, it was much more comfortable than the floor._

_Also, the double bed didn’t have her wife in it, and Carmilla didn’t want to be anywhere but with Laura. Ever. Not caring anymore about their fight, Carmilla moved impossibly closer to Laura and nuzzled their noses together. When the blonde let out a long sigh, Carmilla started to pepper the lightest kisses over Laura’s face, occasionally on her lips, whenever Laura tried to speak._

_It wasn’t forcing her to be quiet, and Laura knew that, it was just Carmilla’s way of saying ‘Let’s not do this now, we can talk tomorrow.’_

_They shed their fair share of tears, not just for the past, but also for how hard they knew the future would be._

_Nothing more was said between them that night, until Carmilla was on the cusp of falling asleep in Laura’s embrace._

_The last thing she heard was a soft whisper in her ear._

_“Always.”_

-

“Carm, anyone would think you’d just been to a funeral, not your college graduation. What’s with you?” Laura nudged her as the rest of the table (consisting of Carmilla’s parent’s, Laura’s father and Mattie) chattered on.

Carmilla played with her wedding ring, twisting it around on her finger and running a thumb over the smooth band as they sat in the restaurant they’d come to for a ‘celebration lunch’.

She hadn’t meant to get so lost in thought and become such a downer but since the commencement speech a bout of nostalgia had taken over her mind.

It was hard; thinking about how many times her and Laura nearly lost each other along the way. About how close she’d come to being sat here without Laura, but then again, without Laura would she even be sat here?

“Carmilla.” Laura squeezed her hand firmly and worry flashed in her eyes.

She felt the sudden urge to grab Laura, right in the middle of the restaurant, and tell her just how lucky she felt to have her, and how sorry she was for anything she’d ever done to hurt her.

Instead, she simply leaned forward and placed a lingering kiss to her cheek. “Sorry, I’m okay- just thinking about things I guess.” 

Laura frowned for a small moment, like maybe she wasn’t convinced, but then she was smiling again. “Well everyone’s here for you, so, actually _be_ here you goof.”

Carmilla chuckled and brought Laura’s hand up to her lips and kissed it. She was about to apologise again but the rest of the table suddenly turned their attention to the couple.

“When are you two lovebird’s moving in together then?” Mattie asked. Carmilla felt her heart sink and the feeling’s that she kept hidden _very_ deep down resurfaced all at once. Her palms started to sweat and she dropped Laura’s hand to try and conceal her guilt.

-

_“I got in, Laura.”_

_“Carm! That’s fantastic! I mean- I’m totally not surprised because you totally deserve it and you’ve worked so hard but that’s amazing! I’m so proud of you!”_

_“Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s great and all but you know what the best part about getting into Medical School is?”_

_“Ohh I don’t know…Enlighten me…” Laura’s playful tone travelled through the speaker on Carmilla’s phone and she couldn’t believe that after all these years it still made her heart beat faster._

_“Well cupcake, I get to finally live with my wife in Colorado.”_

_“Is that so? And has your wife agreed to this arrangement?”_

_“Oh there’s no need to even ask. I’m sure she’ll be very…agreeable…especially when it comes to the sleeping arrangements.” Carmilla drawled out in the deep, sultry voice she knew sent Laura crazy._

_“I’m sure she will. She might even get some practice in tonight…maybe even right now…” The sentence was practically moaned out._

_Carmilla’s mouth actually watered and she forgot how to breathe for a second. She loved it when Laura was in this sort of mood, which was actually quite often these days._

_As the brunette continued to shamelessly flirt over the phone with her wife, she became more and more elated at the idea of them actually being together._

_Seeing Laura every day of the week. The concept was alien. After four years of marriage, it all seemed pretty tragic, how much time they had been apart._

_Now, everything was about to change. Her and Laura would be living together in Colorado. Laura was almost finished obtaining her teaching license and Carmilla was starting at med school. They were really starting their lives together now, and it terrified Carmilla._

_Shit. She was terrified._

_She wasn’t terrified in the adrenaline-fuelled way in which you are when you get on a rollercoaster, however. It was pure and unyielding fear that hit her like a train._

_The brunette couldn’t understand why she was having this crisis all of a sudden. Her and Laura would finally be together, like they’d wanted to be for the past four years. They’d be together and come home to each other like normal couples do. Then it hit her._

_Her and Laura Karnstein-Hollis were not made for normal. Not yet._

_Carmilla was twenty-three years old, by the time she finished medical school she’d be twenty-seven, then she’d go into a residency and then, if all went well, she’d be a real doctor. She wanted that- she wanted to be a doctor someday. But she suddenly felt like she didn’t want that straight away._

_Carmilla knew what her heart really wanted. She wanted Laura, and she wanted to_ live _with Laura, she wanted adventures with Laura. She wasn’t ready to settle down into a normal life where work would weigh both of them down and keep them anchored together but apart at the same time._

_She wanted her and Laura to both be those naïve teenagers again, the ones who wrote Life List’s of all the things they wanted to do. They’d been so focused on not losing each other that they’d kind of lost themselves._

_Carmilla had made all of the right choices since finishing high school; she’d gotten her degree, volunteered and built up a resume. Since getting the all clear Laura had done the same. It had kept the two of them apart._

_They could be together now, yes, but they’d still be busier than ever and Carmilla wanted more, no matter how selfish it might be. She was being ungrateful and she knew it, because on one hand she was lucky for_ any _kind of life with Laura- but then on the other hand, shouldn’t that mean that ‘normal’ wouldn’t do them justice?_

_Carmilla wanted to combust. Her epiphany was ill timed and unwanted (she assumed) by Laura. How could she ask her wife to just pick up and leave, after everything she’d overcome to get where she is? That was when the guilt started to sink in, and she pushed her feelings to the very back of her mind, deciding that if Colorado was enough for Laura, it was enough for her._

-

Carmilla plastered a brilliant smile over her face, but the way she’d dropped Laura’s hand was never going to go unnoticed by the blonde. She was annoyed at herself for letting her emotions show so easily. It had always been so easy to kid herself, but never Laura.

The brunette cut herself a little slack though; she’d been feeling nostalgic and pensive about both the past and the future this whole day, ever since that speech.

She felt Laura frowning at her but ignored it, and tried her best to answer Mattie’s question honestly.

“Well, we always said we’d wait until after my graduation to put all of the money we’ve saved down on an apartment, but we’ve narrowed it down to a few possibilities.”

Apparently that was all the input anyone wanted from Carmilla on that subject anyway, as Mr Hollis chimed in quickly after, talking about how much he’d miss living with Laura when she moved out.

Laura was still eyeing her and Carmilla became nervous under the gaze, she knew the blonde wasn’t going to let it go. Unfortunately, the longer the meal went on, the more Laura seemed to overthink it. She sat quiet and distracted for the rest of it.

Carmilla immediately tried to reverse her small giveaway by moving her chair closer to Laura’s and placing an arm around the back of her chair, planting soft kisses to her cheek and her shoulder every few minutes. She took it as a good sign that Laura was still leaning into her touch every time.

***

They left the restaurant a couple of hours later.

While the Hollis’ were back in North Carolina the Kirsch family had put them up in their hotel again like they had done those years ago for Carmilla and Laura’s wedding. This time they’d insisted it be a graduation present.

Mattie and Carmilla’s parents drove back to Beaufort, while Mr Hollis drove himself, Laura and Carmilla to the hotel. He bid them goodnight after congratulating the graduate one last time.

She was apprehensive to be alone with Laura, but also thankful as the smaller woman currently looked like she was going to implode.

Carmilla set her suitcase to the side and threw the room key onto a nearby table, not bothering to observe the no doubt stunning room they’d been put in, opting instead to watch Laura pacing.

She thought it would be wiser to let Laura talk first, so she waited silently. When she started to get dizzy from watching her wife flit around the room she averted her eyes to her feet. She knew that Laura was just figuring out what she wanted to say and to ask, she’d expected that. What she didn’t expect was her face to come into contact with what could only be a pillow.

She staggered backwards slightly and after steeling herself, she looked from the pillow on the floor to Laura, who looked as surprised at what she’d done as Carmilla felt.

“Sorry!” Laura shouted, seeming sincere for a second then apparently changing her mind. “In fact no, I am _not_ sorry! I don’t know what it is you’ve done, or what you’re planning to do, but I know there’s _something_! And it must be bad if you haven’t even talked to me about it. So that,” the blonde pointed to the pillow, “is just in advance! In advance for ruining this perfect thing we have!”

Laura stood with her bunched up face and crossed arms, trying to be angry and fierce, but Carmilla knew her and she could see the hurt and the apprehension. They were more obvious than anything else.

Carmilla bent down to pick up the pillow, setting it down behind her and out of reach. She spoke softly and calmly, “Okay then. Now the pillow assault is checked off, do you want to ask me what you’ve been desperate to ask all day?”

For a moment Laura looked as though she was too scared to let the words leave her mouth, but Laura Karnstein-Hollis had never been a coward.

“You don’t want me and Colorado anymore, do you?”

Carmilla just shook her head, no. There was an apology in her eyes and on the tip of her tongue, but guilt forbid her to speak. Laura’s whole posture deflated and her face paled.

“You…you don’t want…you don’t want _me_ anymore?” The words were hardly audible, but they were there.

Carmilla frowned because _what a ridiculous fucking question._ Then she realised how this all must be sounding to her slightly neurotic wife. She bolted across the room, right into Laura’s space, pulling her closer by her hips.

“Laura, _no_. Just _no_. Of course I- I’d _never_ \- I want you. That’s not what-“ Carmilla had to take a breath, because she was in danger of making this monumental misunderstanding even worse. “It’s not that I don’t want Colorado, because I do- _someday_. But right now I just want more, for the _both_ of us. I don’t want to become this boring couple that never has any time for one another because we spend our lives at school and at the hospital. I want us to have all of those adventures we wrote down when we didn’t think we had much time. Look, if Colorado’s what you really want, then it’s Colorado. Ultimately, I just want to be wherever you are, I want _you_ more than any of that. This is enough, Colorado is enough, I _promise_. I just, something inside me tells me we were made for more than just normal.”

Laura started shaking her head, “You’re saying it’s enough, but then what you’re also saying is that it’s not enough, Carmilla. I don’t even know what to say. What’s more than enough, then? What’s this alternative that you seem to want so badly? Have you even thought about other options? I’ve still got one year left of college for god’s sake! You just got into medical school! Wow, you’ve officially gone bat-shit crazy.”

“I know how it sounds. Just, pretend for a minute that I asked you to come away with me in a much better way than this. And that you actually said yes. We could go to Europe and- and sleep in crappy hotel rooms and walk around the city all day- a different one every week.” Carmilla stopped and pulled her wallet out of her back pocket and took out two pieces of crumpled lined paper. “These are our lists, Laura. I’ve carried them round for the past four years and I forgot about them. I forgot all about them until a few weeks ago and now they’re all I can think about. I still want to do everything on my list and I don’t think that’s changed for you either. I want to do them with you.”

Laura pulled away and Carmilla let her. The blonde flopped down on the couch and sighed loudly. Understandably, the whole conversation had seemed to overwhelm her.

Carmilla stayed rooted to the spot, unsure of what to do.

“It just doesn’t sound like us, Carm. You’re a med student and I’m almost a teacher- we’re building a life. Can we really just pick up and leave? How would we even pay for it?” Laura actually seemed to be genuinely interested in figuring out the ‘how’ and Carmilla was glad she’d thought long and hard about everything beforehand.

“We could wait, and live with your Dad while you finish your last year at college and get your degree. I mean its not like he spends a lot of time at the apartment anyway with his work at the homeless shelter and I’d get a temporary job out there and get some more money together. We already have savings but that gives us a whole year to save more and plan. It’s doable, Laur.”

“And what about Med School?”

“It can wait. School isn’t going anywhere.” Carmilla spoke assertively, and she even surprised herself and how sure she sounded.

“I’ve not seen you this passionate about anything since...” Laura smiled.

“Since what?” 

“Since you spent months trying to convince me that you weren’t a total jackass.” 

Carmilla smirked and went to sit by Laura on the couch. “And that worked, didn’t it?”

Laura chuckled and shook her head. She played with Carmilla’s hair then looked into her eyes. “I never needed convincing in the first place. I was just playing hard to get.”

Carmilla saw a look in her wife’s eyes and she knew that they weren’t just talking about high school anymore. “So- is that a yes?!”

“Carm, I’d go anywhere with you. Really, all you needed to do was ask. I’m kind of annoyed that I didn’t think of it myself, to be honest.”

She felt her eyes widen. “We’re really doing this?” Laura nodded and the stupidest grin was spreading across her face. She couldn’t have hidden it even if she’d wanted to. She cupped Laura’s face and attempted to kiss her but it was all teeth, so she wrapped her arms around her neck instead.

 


	16. Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL HELLO. It's been actual months and I can only apologise. I tried to get this done sooner but I clearly failed lol. 
> 
> ANYWHO - this is the end. It's definitely not the best chapter I've written but it's still a chapter! 
> 
> I want to thank everyone so much who has read, commented, liked and shared this fic. If you write fics yourself then you know what it means and if you don't then you cannot understand how much it really does mean to have feedback! It makes me feel like I'm actually good at something! THANK YOU.
> 
> Gonna plug a new fic I'll be writing because why the heck not? I'm been re-motivated by all the movie stuff. I'm only human. 
> 
> I have a 'Walk The Line' AU fic in the works. I've been planning it for a while. Google it if you want a synopsis and if anyone else has a strong love for Johnny Cash hit me up and we will get married.
> 
> Thank you again and enjoy. I'll be back soon.

Carmilla pulled into the driveway and the porch light illuminated at her arrival home.

She looked at the clock on the dashboard. 00:30. Her shift at the hospital had ‘ended’ hours ago and she should have been home at least in time for dinner. Her tardiness was nothing new though; overtime was a big part of being a doctor. Especially one as sought after as she was.

Luckily, Carmilla had the most understanding and beautiful wife in the world. She cut the engine and she suddenly felt re-energised, despite the three-day shift she’d just endured.

She let herself into the dark house as quietly as possible, and noticed a dim light coming from the kitchen down the hallway. Carmilla knew exactly where to look when she entered, and sure enough there were her leftovers, sat on the breakfast bar with a neatly written note placed by the side.

_Hey, beautiful._

_You were missed at dinner. If you’re not hungry for this there’s milk and cookies in the fridge. Maybe. Maybe just milk... Depends how long it takes you to get home._

_Now hurry up and get upstairs because I can’t wait to hold you._

Carmilla smiled and then decided she wasn’t hungry at all right now, it was definitely just time for bed.

She was about to leave when a flying ball of black fur jumped up onto the counter, making her heart stop. She stepped back and accidentally knocked over a picture frame on the cabinet behind her.

“ _Jesus_ , Texas! Are you trying to kill me?” Carmilla scolded, then softened when the black cat rubbed its head against her forearm. “If you weren’t so cute I’d take you back to that gas station we found you at." 

-

_“Carm, did you see that?” Laura squeaked as they exited the gas station store and walked back over to their pump._

_“See what, cupcake?”_

_“A black kitten just ran underneath the car!”_

_“Our car?”_

_“Yes!” The blonde said as she surged forward and landed on her hands and knees beside the vehicle. “Come on little buddy. Come on out, it’s okay. Carm. Carm it’s not moving.”_

_Carmilla huffed. “You mean to tell me that we just travelled most of Europe without a hitch, and now we’re back on American soil – just six hours from home – a kitten is holding us up.”_

_“Oh stop grumbling, grumpy-pants. Help me coax it out.”_

_Reluctantly, Carmilla got on her hands and knees and peered underneath her and Laura’s rental car._

_(When they’d reached the last day of their European adventure, it had felt like too soon, so instead of flying back to Colorado they opted for a flight to New York instead. From there they’d road trip it back to Colorado. At least that was plan, but clearly Kansas had other plans for them, in the form of a tiny black kitten.)_

_“Be careful.”_

_“With that?”_

_“When you climb underneath the car and get it.”_

_“Oh. I see. Thank you for volunteering me for that task.”_

_“Anytime, babe.”_

_The brunette huffed as she climbed under the car._

_“Your ass looks great in those jeans by the way.” She heard her wife quip from behind her._

_“Yeah, the guy who works at the gas station thinks so too.” Carmilla smirked at the silence that followed and listened carefully from her place under the car. She heard Laura turn around and then clear her throat extremely loudly and extremely falsely._

_Carmilla couldn’t see anything except the underbelly of their rental, but she was gleefully picturing an embarrassed pervert and a tiny but albeit very angry wife._

_“Just get the cat, Carmilla.”_

_“Yes Ma’am.” The dark-haired girl turned her head to the left and peered to the other end of the car. She could just make out the tail of the black kitten, which had curled itself up against the inside of the cars front wheel, managing to blend into the shadows quite well._

_Carmilla started to army crawl over to it when the cat shot up and froze, so she froze too. Any slight movement she tried made the cat retreat away, but never completely out from the shelter of the car._

_“Laura it won’t let me near it.”_

_“Maybe you’re moving too quickly.”_

_“Cupcake, I’m underneath a car. There’s only so fast I can go.”_

_“True. What if you talk to it?”_

_“You’ve got to be kidding.”_

_“Oh, I never joke about cat conversations, Carm.”_

_Carmilla pinched the bridge of her nose hard, wondering how she’d ended up in this situation. She cleared her throat._

_“Hello…cat. Listen, it’s not safe for you under here so I just want to take you out, okay? You’ve got to stop moving.”_

_“Carm?” She could already hear the amusement in Laura’s voice._

_“Yes?”_

_“Maybe you could be a bit less…formal?”_

_Carmilla gritted her teeth and took a deep breath. She definitely hated Texas and cats._

_She shuffled forwards slowly, still on her stomach, and put a hand out cautiously._

_“Come on, little one. Sh-sh-sh-sh. I’m not going to hurt you.” The cat didn’t shy away as she got closer this time and she started making noises with her mouth that she’d seen people do with cats._

_The kitten let Carmilla softly stroke the top of its head and purred at her touch._

_A few minutes later it was in Carmilla’s arms –still purring away- and she was climbing from underneath the car._  
  
_“I’ve got to be honest Carm, I thought you’d be under there a lot longer.” Laura admitted whilst keeping her distance, not wanting to startle the animal back underneath the car. “Were you a kitten in another life?”_

_“Don’t insult me, cupcake. A kitten, no. A panther, maybe.” Carmilla scoffed as she opened the trunk of the car and took out a picnic blanket, wrapping it around the shaking fur ball._

_“Whatever you say, Carm. Shall we find out where there’s an animal shelter on the way? Carm?”_

_Just as Laura had asked the question, the kitten had yawned and rubbed its head against Carmilla’s bicep. Laura said her name again._

_“We’re…we’re not gonna need an animal shelter.” Carmilla looked at her wife, hoping she wouldn’t have to elaborate._

_“What? Why?” The confusion on Laura’s face told Carmilla that she would definitely have to elaborate._

_“Because we’re keeping it. So let’s go.”_

-

“You’re not that scared little kitten anymore are you, Texas?” The cat purred in response. “Yeah me neither, buddy.”

Remembering the frame she’d knocked over, she turned away from the cat and picked the photo up.

It was one of her favourite pictures from hers and Laura’s Europe trip, and it always took her back.

-

_#59 – See the Northern Lights_

_Carmilla opened her eyes and for a moment was confused about her surroundings. Even after being on their travels for a month now, she still wasn’t quite used to waking up in hotels._

_She buried her face deeper into the world’s comfiest pillow in the world’s comfiest bed. Although her big ‘come away with me’ speech that she had given to Laura had advocated for ‘crappy hotel rooms’, their working and saving scheme had gone really well. So that, plus a going away present (in the form of a large sum of money) from Carmilla’s father allowed her and Laura to indulge slightly, if they wanted to._

_Though of course, Laura had insisted they remain sensible and still budget for the most part, so crappy hotels were occasionally still on the agenda, but the one they were currently in- in Oslo, Norway- was far from crappy._

_They were catching the train to Lofoten in the morning, to go on a Northern Lights excursion._

_As lovely is it was, the best thing about the room wasn’t included in the price. She wasn’t even exclusive to Norway, just exclusive to Carmilla, who knew that she could travel to the ends of the earth and still find nothing as beautiful as the sleeping girl lay in front of her._

_Laura was facing away on her side; she’d pushed the covers right down to her knees at some point in the night so her whole body upwards from them was on show. She was naked apart from a pair of short, black sleep shorts. Her whole back was exposed and her blonde hair was sprawled out across the pillow._

_As of late Carmilla often found herself waking up at around this time, when it was no longer night but it wasn’t quite morning. She never fully woke, but was conscious enough to hear the sound of Laura’s steady breathing and to feel the warmth of her body._

_When they slept next to each other, there was a beautiful kind of serenity. It was content and it was safe. The outline of Laura’s form illuminated by early morning light was Carmilla’s favourite view._

_All of the dips and curves that Carmilla had spent numerous nights (and days) mapping out and tracing with her lips were revealed._

_Truthfully though, despite probably having the ability to wax poetic about Laura’s naked form forever more, another positive about a sleeping Laura was that she was just that- asleep. Some might have thought that rude, but in all fairness those people had never lived with Laura._

_Carmilla was irrevocably in love with Laura, but she was also forever infuriated by her- and the feeling was mutual_.

***

_“CARMILLA. Is it your life’s mission to leave hair in every shower drain in Europe? Or are you just limiting it to the ones that I have to share with you?!?!”_

_Carmilla rolled her eyes as she pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans. They were only a week into their travels and they were already starting to annoy each other. She wasn’t surprised; she’d never lived with Laura so intimately for so long, teething problems were to be expected. So maturely, she decided that instead of just apologising, it was actually a perfect opportunity for a…happy solution. For both of them, of course._

_“What’s that cupcake?” She drawled out as she crawled along the bed. “You want to share a shower with me? Right now? I mean I just had one but I’m up for it."_

_“Oh no you don’t lady-killer. Get in there and clean it up- that includes the gunk all over the flo-”_

_Laura had been bent over her suitcase with her back to Carmilla, so hadn’t noticed the brunette kneeling up in the bed and removing the shirt she’d only just put on. Her hair was still wet from the shower and the dripping water was cold as it ran down her now bare torso._

_Laura’s annoyance had momentarily lapsed, and she ran her eyes up and down Carmilla’s body. Carmilla knew she’d won; she was too good at this game._

_Their eyes met and Carmilla smirked, incredibly smug about how easy it was to turn an annoyed Laura into a horny one._

_She was unbuttoning her jeans when the blonde dropped the clothes she had in her hand and walked over to the bed, taking Carmilla’s hand then leading her into the en-suite. Instead of getting into the shower like Carmilla had anticipated her to, Laura pulled her forward and pushed her up against the outside of the shower’s glass panel door._

_The combination of Laura’s hands and the cold glass on her body made the brunette shudder. Then a tongue was in her mouth and an involuntary moan escaped her._

_She was drowning in the moment when all of a sudden Laura stopped; reluctantly Carmilla opened her eyes to see why the hell she was no longer being touched in that way that was sending her over the edge._

_Laura was just looking at her with a foreign smirk on her usually kind face. “Finish off your cleaning in here, and I’ll finish_ you _off in there.” Then the blonde was out of the bathroom._

_A stunned and now very frustrated Carmilla stormed forward to stand in the doorway, looking into the bedroom but froze when she saw Laura lay on the bed with her tank top rolled up and a hand on her stomach. The tips of her fingers just under the waistline of her underwear._

_“Oh no you don’t.” She husked. “You’ve got five minutes to clean it up, any longer than that I’m just gonna finish myself off.”_

_Carmilla just leered at her. She did not want to clean the bathroom, especially not now. What she wanted to do was Laura (whom she had clearly underestimated)._

***

_Carmilla smiled sleepily at the memory and scooted forward in the bed so that her front was pressed against Laura’s back. She lazily kissed one of her shoulder blades and pulled the duvet up over them both…_

_The movement didn’t wake Laura but it made her stir in her sleep and unconsciously snuggle back into Carmilla, who just smiled smugly, because she got to fall asleep next to Laura not once but twice every night, and who wouldn’t be smug about that?_

-

Norway had definitely been Carmilla’s favourite stop. She’d been excited that whole trip about seeing the lights, which were spectacular. However when she looked at the photo in her hand, it was obvious what was more special about that place. 

The excursion photographer had taken the image. It was herself and Laura stood beneath the lights, which contrasted beautifully against the dark Norway sky. They were both wearing matching ski suits that came with their expedition package. Their noses were red at the end from the cold temperature, but the look in their eyes was nothing but warm.

There were others in the background of the photo; all of them looking up at the show the lights were putting on. The only exceptions were Carmilla and Laura, who were looking at each other. 

That’s the very reason Carmilla bought and framed that photo, because while the Northern Lights had been nothing short of a wonder, all she could remember of Norway was falling in love with Laura all over again.

She placed the frame back in its rightful place on the cabinet, right next to a framed page of their joint Life List. It had become a tradition that whenever they crossed off all items on a page of the list, they would frame it. 

Carmilla looked over the list.

~~#33 – See the Northern Lights~~

~~#34 – Go to Bolzano, Italy~~

~~#35 – Visit Montmartre, Paris~~

~~#36 – See Old Town Square in Prague~~

The list went on and the brunette could feel nothing but blessed at the sight of it. At the times that she had already spent with the woman she loved.

Speaking of, it was now definitely time for bed. After flicking the kitchen light off and locking up, she climbed the stairs. She paused outside the first door she came to, which was slightly ajar.

The warm glow from a night-light emanated from inside the bedroom, a bedroom that’s walls were decorated with jungle animals and what’s floor was laden with toys and stuffed animals.

Carmilla peeked her head through the gap and felt her heart swell as she saw a tiny, sleeping form curled up in a small bed. Messy blonde hair was all she could see strewn across the pillow.

If it hadn’t been so late, Carmilla might have entered the room and hugged her daughter, but it was far past everyone’s bedtime, so she’d wait until the morning.

Instead, she whispered “Night, my Lily.” 

The next and final stop was Carmilla’s own bedroom. She slipped through the door and undressed, she’d washed up back at the hospital so she just threw her clothes in the hamper and climbed into bed.

Laura was facing away from her and hadn’t been woken by Carmilla’s arrival. As she settled into the sheets the smell of home enveloped the doctor’s senses and she pressed her front against Laura’s back, snaking a hand around her wife’s waist. Sleep was already coming but just before it took over, Laura’s hand intertwined with her own and a small ‘I love you’ came from the blonde in Carmilla’s arms.

That was what she lived for: the woman in her arms, the little girl in the next room and the feeling that came with them.

That feeling was there now, engrained in everything she was. It was that immortal kind of feeling that once it’s there, it never leaves – even if the cause was to fade, the memory of it would live on.

That’s what Carmilla and Laura’s love was.

It was a love that would live forever, and their journey was a walk to remember.


End file.
